Ecuador, Part 3: I Love You and Will Provide For You

Something that God has spent a lot of time teaching me through most of this year is how faithfully He provides for His people. I've always known that He will take care of my needs, and have been blessed by how He's given me things I'd hoped to have. On my mission trip, though, He showed me an all new level of provision that really enlarged my view of His wonderful care.

2.  I Love You and Will Provide for You

Back at the airport on our first day of travel, beyond that struggle with the awful fear that I had made a mistake in coming, I was also just terribly homesick and missing “my people”, my husband and kids and parents and siblings, and the security of belonging and being wanted and regarded. I went into the trip trying hard to just focus on doing the work, being a team player, and staying reliant on God, and didn't realize at the time how much I was holding myself back from also relying on my team. I am very much a "people person"; I love to help and care for others, but I have to be very careful to not let my fear of adding stress or inconvenience to them drown out the needs I have for help and support. It fills my heart in amazing ways when others take time to care for me, and I find that one of the most impacting ways I grow closer to God is by experiencing Him through His people, but I struggle with allowing Him to do that in my life when I get too caught up in my own insecurity. At the beginning of the trip, I was so focused on supporting my team and avoiding any hint of being a "liability" that I didn't even ask God to provide me with His love and care through them. It was amazingly humbling and heart-filling, then, when God did that for me anyway.

My wonderful team, left to right: Dave, Ron, David, Meghan, Averie, Me, Julie, and Anne

From my team members to the other missionaries to the beautiful Ecuadorian people I encountered, I was so blessed with physical representatives of God's love. I got to room with a wonderfully sweet lady from my team who happened to have a daughter my age, and was such a source of wisdom, encouragement, and love. One of the men on my team would consistently check in with me to make sure I was ok and not feeling overwhelmed or anxious. And everyone in Ecuador greets each other by hugging and kissing on the cheek, and that simple physical affection was truly a sweet gift to my sometimes-lonely heart. A time that I had prepared to just survive alone and get through ended up being such a blessed time of fellowship and grace and growing in relationship with other people. I never thought of asking God for that blessing, but because He loves me, I didn't even need to ask; He is simply a good, good Father who is faithful in providing for His children's' needs and delights in giving them blessings. "Every good and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights..." (James 1:17) 

A shoulder rub "train" after a long day of work!

One of my beautiful Ecuadorian friends, Cici

Me with my sweet "roomie" Anne

Our team at the (way cool) fireworks museum with some of the amazing Ecuadorian people

One thing that especially blessed and helped me on the trip was actually a bit of an ongoing joke: from the first day we were in Cuenca and began meeting new people, my friend Meghan was constantly asked if I was her daughter! She isn’t even three years older than me, nor does she look that much older, but it was a consistent, daily occurrence. She and I would be standing with her actual daughter Averie, and it would begin:

 "Your daughters are so sweet." 

"Do your daughters speak Spanish?" 

"How sweet that you brought your girls with you." 

We weren't exactly sure why people were so convinced of this (we thought it was a mix between the fact that I look a lot younger than I really am, and the point that Meghan is “aggressively maternal” as she titled herself) but we decided to just roll with it, and throughout the week Meghan was my “missionary mom” and Averie was my "hermanita" (little sister). It was silly, funny…and so very much what I needed. I needed to know that I belonged and was wanted, and to have people that I knew loved me and would take care of me. That homesickness I had for my family was debilitating at the beginning of the trip, as was the anxiety of feeling out of place in a new country; I didn't even know how much I needed a surrogate family there in Ecuador until God provided it for me through my friend's family, and it was one of the biggest blessings God gave me on the trip.

Meghan did my hair for me just about every morning during breakfast

My favorite picture of me and my "hermanita" Averie

There were a lot of little ways God used my "Ecuador family" to take care of me and bless me--especially the sweetness of getting to have a little sister for the week to laugh, be silly, and talk with. Almost every day after breakfast, Averie and I got to go up to the roof of the hotel to just talk together and prepare for the day, and I loved those sweet moments so much! It was wonderful to have a little friend to spend time with and experience all of the "newness" together.
God also used these friends of mine to provide care and security when I needed it, and one event in particular stands out above the others. Before I even left on the trip, I had one specific fear that probably sounds silly, but was something that I could not let go of. I knew that we would be taking a lot of bus rides into different parts of the country, and also that the bus drivers there tend to be a little...aggressive. The bus rides in Ecuador are infamous for being "exciting", and I tend to get horribly carsick on just a normal drive.
"No problem," you might say, "Just take Dramamine and ride it out!"
Ah my friends, therein lies the problem.
You see, when I take Dramamine, I don't just get a little drowsy. That stuff is like general anesthesia for me: one second I'm awake, and the next I am out cold. My big fear was that I would take the meds I needed in order to avoid panic on those bus rides, and then would slump over, unconscious in the back of the bus...and somehow get left behind by my team. I realize how unfounded that fear is now, of course, but before the trip it was a very real anxiety! I shared it with Meghan, to which she replied that she would sooner load me into a baby carrier and haul me around unconscious before leaving me on a bus; but still I decided to attempt using the non-drowsy version of the meds just to be safe. For most of the trip this worked fine and I was able to get along ok, but one evening Meghan pulled me aside and said, "You know...the drive tomorrow is pretty intense. It's got super twisty roads, and goes up a mountain with not many guard rails and such...this really might need to be the drive that you knock yourself out for." 

I had already had a mini panic attack with the bus ride from that day, so I had to agree with her. "Yeah...you're probably right."

So the next day we got on the bus and sat together, and I took that dreaded knock-me-unconscious pill. For a while I felt totally normal and was able to enjoy the scenery and chat with the rest of the team. Soon, though, a sudden wave of fatigue hit me, and felt myself nodding off. For a split second, panic set in. I bolted upright in my seat, looking around a bit wildly, feeling disoriented. Meghan caught my eye and asked, "Hey. Do you need to sleep?"

I think I shook my head no, and then yes. 

"What do you need? Do you have a blanket? Pillow?"

I don't remember what I said, but I mumbled something in response before I finally just rested my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes, trying to settle my anxiety. It was then that I felt God speak gently to my heart. "I've got you. You're safe. Just rest."
And with that, all of the anxiety was gone. I actually can't remember a time that I've felt more secure and at peace, which is amazing to me considering it was in the exact setting that I expected to hold so much fear for me. 
I slept for the entire drive to our destination, and then the medicine wore off enough that Meghan could wake me up (no need for that aforementioned baby carrier, thank goodness) and I went about the day a bit drowsy but otherwise just fine.

Even now, whenever I think back on that drive and God's amazing care for me in that situation, my heart is so full. He took a moment of scary vulnerability and turned it into one of my sweetest memories of His love and care. Even with my silliest fears and anxieties, He has compassion and grace on me and provides what I need to get through. 

2 Corinthians 9:8 tells us, "And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." That is exactly what God did for me on my mission trip: He blessed me abundantly (with things I didn't even think of asking for), and He gave me all that I needed in order to do the good work He had for me there. This is a promise He gives to each of His people, whether we are on a mission trip in another country, or serving Him faithfully right here at home. God gives us everything we need, blessing us abundantly, in order that we may do His good work. As you go about the work He has for you, I hope you can remember this promise of provision, and trust Him to carry it out for you just like He did (and continues to do) for me. 

My "Ecuador family", one of the biggest blessings I had on the trip

Click here to read part 4

Ecuador, Part 2: I Chose You

Stairs at Mirador Tres Cruces, one of the first places we stopped on our trip. 

A major theme I think I learned on my mission trip was a deeper, more intense knowledge of things I have actually known most of my life. I think that anyone who has been a believer for very long at all knows a great number of things "in theory" that we may not ever really "get" until God takes us out of our ordinary life and into something that opens our eyes more to Him and His ways. That was certainly the case for me. There are 3 things I've known about God that He rooted even deeper into my heart on this trip, and in this post I want to share the first one.

1. I Chose You for Good Works and to Leave a Mark for Me

Just taking in the beauty on one of our team bus rides. Wow God is an amazing Creator!

You guys remember that I went into this adventure really struggling with the thought that I was going to somehow hinder our team. I knew that God wanted me there, and I was stepping out in obedience and hope that He had something He wanted me to do there, but I was still very shaky and insecure just the same. I wasn’t nearly as anxious or uncertain thanks to that amazing message God sent through my friend on our first morning in Ecuador, but I still felt a bit out of place and uncertain. Even on that first day, though, God reassured me with the promise that He had me there for a reason.
We had headed over to the café a few of the Ecuadorian missionaries ran in order to meet the people we would be helping in serving, and as we were all waiting for dinner and getting to know each other, one of the missionaries I hadn't even met yet came over to me, holding his phone in his hand. 

“Hey. I’m Ed. I know we haven’t really even met yet, and this is gonna sound so weird, but…I know your doppelganger.” 

I wasn’t sure how to respond to that, but I was definitely curious. I laughed and said, “Oh yeah? This is intriguing. Can I see?”

 He turned his phone over and showed me a photo of a young lady, about ten years younger than me, who was indeed eerily similar to me. “I mean, you have the same face, same eyes, and you totally act like her.” He laughed. “Her name is Morgan, and she used to come to my youth group. You guys have a lot of the same mannerisms and just...yeah. It kinda freaks me out!” 

“Oh wow! That is awesome!”

As the evening wore on, Ed jokingly asked me if I would be willing to do a little project. “I think it would be so awesome and funny to do a video for Morgan, acting like you are her from the future.”

I’m always up for a little fun, so I eagerly agreed; and even in that moment, I felt a gentle prompting to take advantage of this opportunity. "Could I also maybe tell her some encouraging stuff, too? After we do the silly part?"

"Of course!"

Me, Meghan, and Ed (showing off his silly side)

A few days later we set the plan into motion. After a few minutes of discussing how we should make this work, we finally decided to make it a "survival" video, where I would be in some kind of peril and would have to tell Morgan all the things she would need to know in order to get through it. We were at an old schoolhouse that our team was helping to fix up and paint, so the backdrop was perfect.
Now, when I am tasked with something, I'm pretty much all-in. This was supposed to be a survival video, and I was determined to look the part.  I smeared dirt on my shirt, let another leader smash a wad of mud into my face, and tried to ignore the fact that the local Ecuadorians were watching me in stunned curiosity (and one had even pulled out a phone to tape the crazy missionary girl smearing mud all over herself). We went into one of the rooms that had already been cleaned, and successfully pulled off our silly "warning" video, somehow managing not to lose composure and laugh ourselves silly. Then after taking a moment to "pull it together a bit", I asked him to turn on the camera again, and then I got to share with this dear girl I had never met that God loves her and has amazing plans for her life, and that He has her exactly where He wants her for a reason.
 "Obviously I'm not really you from the future," I laughed, "but even still, I do know you have a good future ahead. God has plans for you, and special things for you to do."

Later on, Ed pulled me aside to thank me, and explained that Morgan was in a rough season at the time, and could definitely benefit from that kind of encouragement. This was one of the most impacting things on the trip for me, because this little project was something no one else could have done. One of the reasons God chose me to go to Ecuador was to reach a young lady who looks, acts, and speaks just like ME. I mean, it doesn’t get much more personal than that. I am still so blown away by how God did that for me, and how He said loud and clear that not only was I not a liability or a hindrance; I was chosen specifically for this time and this place by Him. 

Literally smearing mud on my face for the special video for Morgan

On that same day, God gave me one more very sweet picture of how He was using me in Ecuador. After making the video, I went into the other schoolroom where my friend Meghan had been spending time painting the walls so I could tell her about what I'd been up to. As I entered, I saw that she had gotten to create a sweet little mural for the kids of the school, and I joyfully exclaimed, “Oh wow, Meghan! That is so special! You get to leave something behind here in Ecuador that will bring so much joy to these kids every time they see it. How cool that you got to leave a mark here!”
She turned to me, a little surprised. “Oh wow,” she said, “I hadn’t thought of it like that. Way to put a cool spin on it!”
She went back to work for a few minutes while I told her about the video, and then she asked me to go get one of the ministry leaders. "I have an idea," she said, "and I want you to be part of it." When I returned she asked the leader, “How do you feel about me putting handprints on this wall?”
“Sure,” the leader replied, “You have free reign. Go nuts.”
Then Meghan told me, “Put some paint on your hands and follow me.”

Both of us smeared the thick paint on our hands, and then she led me to a blank wall and pressed one of her hands on it, indicating I should do the same. So I stuck my hands on the wall, and smiled at the colorful prints left behind. We repeated this a few more times and then Meghan grabbed another color of paint as she grinned at me and said, “There. Now you’ve left something behind, too.” 
In that moment I was struck with God’s small voice whispering, “You’ve left a mark for me here. Not only on that wall, but all over this place. I am using you to make an impact.” 

For the next thirty minutes my friend and I left multi-colored handprints all over that wall, and she wrote the message, “You Are Loved” above them. In that half hour, between painting our hands, and then having to pour gasoline and powdered soap over them, laughing as we tried to scrub that sticky, oily paint off, I realized that this was one of the most meaningful moments of the whole trip. God allowed me to leave a physical mark in Ecuador, in pretty-much permanent paint, to show His love and care to the people there, and He let me see a very visual image of the truth that He was using me to impact others.

Meghan and I with the finished "handprint wall"

Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Just like God had specific missions for me to do in Ecuador, God has specific works for each of His people to accomplish exactly where they're at--for each of you. There has been a few times now that I've heard the quote, "If you have a pulse, you have a purpose." and whether that means going on a mission trip, raising up godly kids, blessing your neighbors or friends, ministering to people at work, or a whole myriad of other possibilities, I hope that inspires you like it does me. 

Seriously overjoyed at getting to leave an impact for God

Later I'll share the second thing God taught me in a deeper way through my mission trip, but for now, I hope you all can really soak in the truth that God has very personal plans and purposes for you, and realize that this is really a perfect time to ask Him what those are in this season of your life. I can't wait to hear about what amazing things He does in and through each of you.

Click here to read part 3

Ecuador, Part 1: Boasting in My Weakness

The view from the top of the new cathedral in Cuenca, Ecuador

Ecuador

November 2-12, 2019

I’ve only had a few experiences in my life that I would consider to be life-changing, and each experience has proven so rich and full and impacting that it’s hard to put words to. My first mission trip was one of these times, without a doubt. Still, I am a “words” person, so I want to see if I can try to share at least a glimpse of the amazing, wonderful things God did in and through me in Ecuador. I could probably share dozens of times and not be able to cover all that He did in that 10-day span, but I’m hoping I can give at least a glimpse so that others can be encouraged and inspired at what our awesome God can do.

Beautiful scenery at Mirador Tres Cruces in Ecuador

I remember as a child telling my parents I wanted to be a missionary when I grew up, and I have had on my heart to do a mission trip of some sort for a while now, so when the opportunity to go to Ecuador with my church came, I jumped on it. My very good friend was leading it, it was to the country that another friend would soon be moving to in full-time ministry, and I wanted to take this next step in my walk with God. From the very beginning of this process, though, all the way back to last year when we had our very first informational meeting for the trip, I struggled with knowing for sure if I really should go. Even the night before that first meeting, Satan whispered one awful, debilitating message to my heart, “If you try to do this, you will be a liability to the team and to the work God wants to do.” He continued that message for the entire year, always adding another strand to it: 

“You will hold the others back, and ruin what God wants to do." 

"You are too weak, too afraid, and too much to handle." 

"You will only add stress and challenge to the leaders and the others, and won’t be of any actual use.” 

Though I tried to dismiss those words and move ahead, they still left an impact. I struggled intensely with the fear that my going on this trip would lead to the team being somehow hindered in their work, so while I went to the meetings, helped with the fundraising, worked on my Spanish, and did all I could to prepare for this trip, all the time my heart was quaking with the fear that I should not go. Deep within, though, I felt God leading me forward, urging me to step out in faith, reminding me in so many little ways that He wanted me there. It was only by His grace and mercy that I was able to get through all of the preparations and ended up sitting with my team on a plane, headed out for my first time out of the country without family, and the longest I had ever been away from my kids.

I thought that by getting on that first plane and taking that huge leap into doing what God said, I would have defeated that awful “liability” message once and for all, would be able to overcome my tendencies toward fear and anxiety, and would be able to get through without any trouble. Basically, I thought it would be easy.

Waiting at an airport on one of our three layovers

When we landed at the next airport though, and the rest of the team was in line for lunch, I sat at a table and was suddenly overcome with awful homesickness and anxiety. As tears started to burn my eyes, I heard that terrible message again: “See? What did I tell you. It’s happening, even now. You aren’t even out of the country yet and you’re already making a fool of yourself, distracting the team, adding stress. I told you. You are a liability and a hindrance.”

I fell apart worse than I can ever remember doing in a public place. I could not stop crying, as much as I tried to smash the tears away and settle my heart. I was so angry with myself, and felt that Satan’s message had been true all along. “This was such a horrible mistake.” I couldn’t even explain to my team what was happening, I was so upset, embarrassed, and mixed up inside. Still, they did all they could to help: sharing their lunch, praying with and for me, offering hugs and words of reassurance. Somehow we muddled our way through and after 14 hours of travel, we made it to Ecuador and our hotel for the night. Even then I was so, so unsettled, and had no idea of how I was going to make it through the next week.  As I fell asleep that night, I cried out to God and begged Him, “Please, Lord. Please show me you want me here. I can’t do this unless you tell me, very specifically, that I belong here; that this wasn’t a mistake.” That was honestly one of the most desperate, terrified prayers I have ever said, and one of the most intense moments I have ever had of recognizing my inabilities and “humanness”.

Probably the most accurate photo of how I was feeling during the day of travel

Somehow I was able to get some sleep, and when I woke up the next morning, I was greeted by a message from my dear friend and team leader. She had been writing it at the exact time I was crying out to God the night before, and when I saw the words she sent, I was deeply impacted: “You were called to this place for a purpose. It was not a mistake. Your Heavenly Father knows all the things you’re worried about and He has got you.” Needless to say, I cried; but this time, it was out of sheer gratitude and awe in how God had answered that desperate prayer. I hadn’t been able to explain to anyone what I was feeling, and yet God used my friend to share with me exactly what I begged Him to tell me. From that moment, I felt immense peace, grace, and boldness to do the work God had for me. There were still a handful of moments when I struggled, of course, but I never again had any doubt that God wanted me there, and I was able to carry out the resolution I had made to say “yes” to whatever He asked me to do on the trip. 

Me with my wonderful friend (and the team leader) Meghan

Going through that first day and night of pain was hard, but looking back I know it had a purpose. I believe that God allowed me to face that utter desperation and inability at the airport in order to show me and others that anything that was accomplished later on was all by His power. My team and I came face to face with who I am at my worst: on my own I am fearful, weak, and insecure. But when God takes over, I am bold and passionate and brave; and what a gift that God allowed us all to see both of those extremes on this trip so that there was no doubt Who was at work! Any good thing that I did was all because of how God equipped and empowered me, and I found that to be true for each member of our team.

2 Corinthians 12:9 expresses this truth so well: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I know weakness isn’t something our culture teaches us to admit to, but in God’s kingdom it’s different. In God’s kingdom our weakness is just a better showcase for His power, and it’s pretty incredible to get to experience that firsthand. Because of that, I can honestly say “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

So what do I want you guys to take from this? Simply this: don’t think that any kind of inability or weakness can stop God from working through you. I promise you, no matter how unable, afraid, weak, untalented, or unmotivated you are, God can do incredible things through you. God isn’t surprised by your brokenness, sinfulness, or fragileness. He made us, and He chooses to call us and use us in spite of all of our downfalls. I can’t wait to share some of the incredible ways He did that in my life on this mission trip.

An outdoor market in Guayakil, Ecuador

Click here to read part 2

Pursued, Known, Loved

My church had its annual Christmas party this weekend, something I had been wanting to attend but hadn't had the chance to yet. This year, though, my husband graciously agreed to run our son's birthday sleepover, and the other kids were taken care of, so I was free to finally experience the fun. What I didn't expect, though, was for God to use that event, and two amazing friends, to remind me of some very special gifts He gives His people through the Savior we celebrate during Christmas.

When that big night finally arrived, I was ready. I had bought my white elephant gift (one I actually really wanted myself!), found a cute and festive outfit to wear, and dropped my other kids off with their childcare. I left home on a high simply because I was finally out of the house and had an entire night to myself! As I got closer to the church, though, I was taken aback by a growing feeling of anxiety. I tend to get social anxiety every once in a while, but this time it didn't make much sense; this was my church! I know and love these people, and had been looking forward to this party for weeks now. Still, the fact remained that I was struggling with a lot of uncertainty and felt suddenly very insecure and uncomfortable in my own skin. When I arrived and saw how many people were actually at this event, my low-level anxiety quickly began to snowball into a more intense fear. Still, I weaved through the crowd, set my gift beneath the Christmas tree in the center of the room, and wandered over to the drink table.

"Maybe having something to hold will distract me," I reasoned with myself.  I got a warm drink and tried to force myself to socialize, smiling at people who passed by, saying hello and making small talk with a few of my fellow party-goers. I really wanted to make this thing work, and was using all of the tools I had learned to try to break myself out of this anxiety cycle. As I leaned against the wall, though, sipping my coffee and taking the atmosphere in, something very akin to panic suddenly hit me. It was like a tidal wave of fear smashed into me and swept me away, to the point that my emotions became physical symptoms: I couldn't get a good breath, my heart was pounding, and I felt suddenly nauseous. 

"I need to get out of here."

I pulled myself away from the wall, pushed through the crowd, and headed for the door. At first I thought I would just take a moment to breathe outside away from the noise and people, recollect myself, and try again. But as I got into my car and waited for that awful panic to ebb away, one thought latched itself around my heart: "I can't do this." I needed to leave. 

Part of me felt completely relieved at the thought of just getting to escape the challenge, but another felt so disappointed and frustrated; after all of the work God had done in me in the last year, and all of the things we'd been through, why was something as simple as a Christmas party still such a struggle? Where was the confident, happy "me" I knew was trying to make more of an appearance lately (and who I also happen to really like?) 

Still, just the thought of trying to go back into that party sent my heart racing again, so I took out my phone to text two of my friends there and explain that I had to leave, then I started the car and drove off. I was crying as I left the parking lot, still struggling in the battle between wanting to overcome and enjoy the night, but truly being unable to make myself go back.

I had barely gotten a minute down the road when my phone started ringing. I saw that it was Nicole, one of the friends I had texted, and felt my heart sink. 

"Uh oh. She's going to try to get me to come back. And I can't. But that will make her sad. This. Is. The. Worst!"

 In the time it took me to pull myself together a bit more and find a parking lot to stop in, I had missed her call. I considered just letting it all go, but my sense of social etiquette won out, and I called her back. 

She answered on the first ring and simply demanded, "What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry, Nicole. I left."

"What?! No, are you joking??"

"No! I'm not! I'm parked at the library."

"NO! No way, no, come back!"

"NO. Nicole, I can't. No no no no." (For some reason the only word I could manage to say over and over was "no.")

"YES! Yes. Come back.You will love it, I promise. You can do this."

"No, I can't!" And then I started crying again. I was so frustrated with myself, but I couldn't help it. I was torn by my desire to not disappoint my friend and the intense anxiety I had at the thought of going back. "It's not that I don't want to!" I tried to explain, "I just physically can't! I'm going to throw up if I go back."

"But WHY? Please, Mary, please come back. This is exactly what happened to me before, and trust me, you'll just really regret it if you don't come back! You have to come back, I'm standing outside here, waiting for you!"

Even in that moment, in spite of my anxiety and emotion, I realized something pretty amazing: my friend was showing me the beautiful truth that I was wanted. It mattered that I was gone; she cared that I wasn't there, and she was being very (very) clear in communicating that to me. This was the first gift from our Savior that God showed me that night: He wants us. He cares very much when His people have wandered away, and He doesn't just let that go. He actively pursues us and doesn't give up, just like my awesome (albeit stubborn) friend was showing me on the phone.

Nicole and I went back and forth for a while, me crying and her alternating between pleading with me to come back and semi-threatening me, but we were at a complete stalemate. Both of us can be very tenacious, and we honestly probably would have stayed stuck in that conversation, simply saying "no" back and forth to each other for hours, if Nicole hadn't pulled in her secret weapon.

"Alright," she said, "Here's Meghan. Talk to her."

"NO!" and a whole new wave of tears started again. "NO! No no no no no!" (I'm not very eloquent when I'm panicking.)

Again, I was rather bewildered by the level of fear that rose up at that moment; Meghan, like Nicole, is a very good friend of mine that I love dearly. It made no sense for me to be feeling such panic at the thought of her getting on the phone. After thinking it through, though, I realize now why I was so afraid: Meghan really knows me. We've been friends for several years now, and have been through quite a bit in that time. We've done life together; she knows about my anxiety, and also when she should push me to overcome that struggle, and when it's just too much for me to handle in the moment (FYI she usually leans toward "pushing me to overcome it"). It is both an amazing blessing and terrifying vulnerability to have somebody know me that well. If I really dig deep and think back to that moment in the parking lot, that was the source of my fear as Meghan took the phone; as much as I love and trust her, that level of vulnerability felt extra scary in my anxious state that night. I think that what it boiled down to was: "Is she going to use her knowledge of me against me somehow?"

But the way God responded to that fear still makes me tear up.

As soon as she got on the phone, and I heard the calm kindness in her voice, my anxiety began to dissipate.

"Hey. What's happening? What's so scary about this thing for you?" There wasn't a trace of judgement or impatience in her tone; she was genuinely asking the questions she knew would help me open up and talk through things with her, something she's done for me many times before. So even though I felt silly and was frustrated that I was still crying, I told her exactly what I was afraid of, rattling things off a trifle hysterically, and ended by saying, "I can't go back to the church like this, all crazy and with mascara all over my face! I don't want everyone to see me like this and have to try to explain it to them all."

Her response was as calm and kind as ever, but also showed no sign of letting me cave in to those fears. "Well then, you just come back here, and you go to the bathroom, splash some water on your face, and then sit in the back row next to me." Then she added temptingly, "And then you eat the chocolate cookies I brought. I made a whole bunch more of those ones we made yesterday."

That's how the conversation went: me explaining my fears and giving all of the excuses I could, and her patiently listening and then calmly sharing the logical response and plan of action (complete with promises of chocolate, and a few silly jokes for good measure.) She used her knowledge of me to gently remind me of truth, make me laugh, and encourage me...all while still holding me to the standard of not giving in to my fear. And that was the next gift that God helped me understand more that night: Our Savior knows us intimately, but He doesn't use that knowledge against us, to manipulate, punish, or shame us. He made us and knows us better than we know ourselves, and He uses that insight for our good: to help, encourage, and grow us. Meghan reflected that beautifully to me that night, and it filled my heart. 

Then these two amazing friends of mine teamed up, and it was then that I knew I was a goner. Meghan had listened, joked, and bribed enough to calm me down, and she knew my sense of humor was kicking back in. "Ok, you need to come back now, cuz it's freezing out here, and we've made a pact that we are not going back inside until you show up."

"What? NO! You can't do that! You've been sick!"

"I know!" she said, and then coughed for good measure, "I'm catching pneumonia out here all because you won't come back! I'll bring it up for years to come: Hey, remember that time I caught pneumonia all because you wouldn't come back to the Christmas party?"

"Ooooh that's a low blow, Meghan!" I chided her, laughing. 

Then Nicole piped up in the background, "Yes! And also, we are going to take off an article of clothing for every minute it takes you to come back!"

"Ok, ok. I'm starting my car. I'm coming back. Just go inside!"

"NO. We made a pact."

(Are you seeing a theme of stubbornness in me and my friends?)

I pulled out of the parking lot and headed back toward the church, not really because I truly believed my friends would let themselves freeze or get sick, but because their show of resolved affection for me impacted me so much, and I cared more about showing them gratitude for it than I did about my anxiety.

Meghan stayed on the phone with me as I drove back and wove an elaborate tale of them both standing barely-clothed in front of the church, catching deadly diseases as they shivered in the cold. 

"Oh please," I giggled, "Yeah right. You guys are so silly."

But when I finally got parked and came walking up, I was stunned to find them both standing outside of the front doors of our church, barefoot, wearing nothing but jeans and tanktops, with their sweaters, shoes, and socks in a pile on the ground. For a moment I just stared at them in shock, and then we all burst into hysterical laughter.

It was at this timely moment that the children's director of our church came out. She looked at my half-naked friends, their pile of clothes, and then me. Then she simply shook her head and said, "You guys need to get inside or you're going to miss the white elephant number drawing."

We fell into a new round of hysterics as my friends scrambled to re-clothe themselves, and we went into the church together.

As the evening went on, God used my friends to remind me of one last gift found in our Savior:
His incredible, caring love, and the lengths He went to in order to show that to His people. These wonderful ladies were a small reflection of the immense love Jesus has for us:

They were willing to stand outside of our church in 40 degree weather, barely clothed, to prove how much they loved me and wanted me back.
Our precious Savior willingly bore a horrible death and took our sins on Himself to share that same message. Romans 5:8 tells us, "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

My friends found me a seat where I would feel less overwhelmed by people, and stayed close by to provide the security I needed to feel calm and secure.
Our amazing Lord promised, "I will never leave you or forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5).

They gave up their preferences to make sure I had a good time that night (things like sitting where they may not have originally planned to, walking up with me to get food even though they had already eaten, and spending the time focused on helping me have a good time instead of on just enjoying the party themselves).
Jesus gave up everything for His people, forsaking His rightful place in Heaven, even willingly facing separation from the Father in order to give us life to the full. Philippians 2:6-8 explains, "though he was in the form of God, (He) did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."

That Christmas party itself was very fun, and I'm so glad I went back. The best part by far, though, was that I got to see a clearer image of our amazing, loving Savior through the lens of my two wonderful friends. It reminded me of Who we celebrate during this season, and of the many reasons His birth was such a gift to His people. As we near Christmas and wrap up this year, I hope this is something you all can reflect on, too. Jesus's birth means we have Someone who loves us too much to let us wander away; Someone who knows us more than we can comprehend, and uses that knowledge to bless and help us; and Someone who went to incredible lengths to show His love for us. He is truly the greatest Gift we could ever hope to receive.

My Story for His Glory

***It's been a long time since I've published anything here on this little blog, though I have still been writing a lot. I've recently come out of a very hard season, one in which I needed to process and work through things on my own a little more, and wasn't ready to put out there for others to see. Now that I'm more on the other side of it, I'm hoping to share little pieces here and there, because I can see how very much God taught me in and through it all, and I really want to encourage and help anyone else who might be struggling, as well as share the amazing work God accomplished in and through me***

I absolutely love journals. I have kept a daily journal for half of my life now, writing out my prayers as a way to connect with God and clear my overloaded brain before I start the day. (It’s kind of the only way my super-distracted mind can stay focused while praying!) I often receive journals as gifts from people who know my love (and, honestly, need) for this daily habit, and each time I do it is such a blessing; I can’t wait to fill the pages with the prayers, blessings, and lessons to come. 

A few months ago, I finished a journal that a dear friend of mine gave me for Christmas last year. I was sitting at a bakery, enjoying a pumpkin muffin, when I opened that sweet little journal up and realized I was on the very last page. I paused for a moment and smiled a little sadly; it is always a bittersweet moment for me when I come to the end of a journal. I like to flip back through and briefly read over the events that had occurred in that span of time, and take a moment to see how God blessed, helped, and provided for me. As I prepared to do the same with this one, though, I had a sudden realization that made me stop in my tracks. I had forgotten, but I started this journal right in the middle of a very, very hard season…just days after one of the lowest times I’d ever had. In fact, this sweet little book almost didn’t even get the chance to be used by me at all.

 Tears filled my eyes as I turned to the first page and read that first entry, remembering the deep struggles and intense battles I was fighting at that time, and how I had hoped (really, kind of begged) that I would get to write some “happier” pages in this book. My specific prayer for this little journal was for God to allow its pages to show the “fruit” of the trials and pain I had already faced in previous months—to display growth and change and more of His Spirit being evident in my life. And you know what? In the 120 pages representing 6 more really, really hard months, God did just that. It definitely was not all sunshine and rainbows and a sudden transformation into a beautiful reflection of God’s work. Honestly, more than half of this journal holds some very hard, ugly, painful stuff as God walked me through deep depression, a lot of loss, false beliefs, heartbreak after heartbreak...basically one of the most intense seasons of refinement I’ve had yet. But really, the fact that it has a lot of tear-stained, angrily scribbled-on pages only makes the beauty of the final few pages in it shine brighter. Sitting in that bakery on that Friday morning, reading and reflecting over all of this, I was completely overwhelmed. To think of everything I was nine months ago—the brokenness, hopelessness, despair, and faithlessness—and see what God did in spite of it and through it all is just mind-blowing.

In ways, it’s really hard to think back on these things myself, let alone share them with others! I’ve realized, though, that this is part of my story. It isn’t pretty at first glance, or something I want to shout from the rooftops at all…until I look past the part that has to do with me, and turn my eyes on what God redeemed. Really, “my” story doesn’t have much to do with me at all, but everything to do with God and what He has done in me. That’s where the beauty lies, and where everything that should be shared comes to light. The focus shouldn’t be on what was, but rather on what He brought from it. He took complete brokenness and despair and inability and did everything He needed to do in order to bring me to where I am. He gave me beauty for ashes; He brought me through fire and flood to a place of not only surviving but truly thriving; He took a withered, parched plant and tended it and healed it so that now it is flourishing and has the chance to produce fruit for Him. That’s why I want to share this now; not to talk about me, but to point others to Him and showcase what he can do with a life that is given over to Him, no matter how broken and hopeless it may seem. He is so faithful, Guys, even when we are faithless. It’s incredibly humbling and overwhelming to reflect on this year and everything God has brought me through. 

On that Friday that I finished this journal, I read Isaiah 51:3, and it pretty much perfectly sums up exactly what God did for me in the span of this book: 

Obviously I have a lot of journals, but you know what? That one that almost didn't get used is always going to be one of my favorites, because it is the one that God chose to write a really beautiful story in: my story for His glory.

Day by Day

Do any of you struggle with taking life day by day? I think it must be a pretty common issue based on the number of quotes and quips about living in the moment, savoring each day, and focusing on the present. There’s a definite balance to be had in remembering the past but not getting stuck in it, and preparing for the future but not missing out on the present. I myself have fallen into both of these extremes at one time or another, and doing that has definitely helped me to understand the importance of taking life one day at a time, not only for my own sake but also for others'. Think about it: if we were really focused on today—on the blessings to thank God for, the opportunities to serve Him and love others, the growth and lessons He could use to shape us—can you imagine how God could use us? I think that Satan likes to keep us distracted from the present by having us focus on the past or future because he also knows how God could use someone who is sensitive to the moment. So with that said, how can we grow in this art of living day by day? I’m glad you asked. Here is what I am learning.

LIVING IN THE PAST

“No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” 

~Luke 9:62

If you struggle with living in the past, I think the best remedy for that is to let go. I think this is an ongoing, conscious choice we have to make over and over:

• To think back on sweet gifts and blessings we no longer have and thank God for them, but then accept that He has removed them now and walk willingly through the grief and loss with God’s grace and help. Psalm 143:5-6 expresses this well: "I remember the days of old.  I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain."
• To learn the lessons gained from painful interactions or circumstances, but then let go of whatever bitterness, anger, or hurt we may be tempted to grip onto to protect ourselves from future pain. "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13)
• To acknowledge that we were disappointed or wounded by people and events, but then trust that God can (and does) use even those things to bring about good. The story of Joseph is an awesome example of this, but one verse in particular wraps it all up, when Joseph talks to his brothers after they sold him into slavery: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Geneis 50:20)

Isaiah 43:18-19 tells us, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?” We don’t want to miss whatever new things God has in store because we are so caught up in the past. 

FOCUSED ON THE FUTURE

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"

~Luke 12:25-26

If your struggle is more in the realm of what is to come, I think the biggest remedy is to simply trust God, to have the humility to rely on Him and leave every part of your future in His hands. There are so many areas we can apply this practice:

• If you are worried about having what you may need later, remember that it is ultimately God who provides, and He promises to meet your every need. Matthew 6:31-34 tells us, “So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
• If you look to the days ahead and are overwhelmed by looming trials, grief, or challenges, remember that you don’t see the whole picture; you don’t know what kinds of mercies, grace, help, and strength God will provide to get you through them. Lamentations 3:21-23 says, “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” God will give you new mercies for every new morning, perfectly tailored for whatever the day may bring.
• If you find yourself distracted from today because you are caught up in making plans for success later on, remember that “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9) We need to have the humility to remember that ultimately all of our plans may fail; only God’s will endures. I don’t think it’s at all bad to make plans and try to be purposeful in our time, but we still need to keep a sense of humility in understanding that ultimately God’s plans are the ones that will happen (which is really a good thing, since He says in Jeremiah 29:11 that His plans are to prosper us and give us hope and a future.)

Matthew 6:34 tells us, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Don't borrow trouble, worry, or stress from tomorrow. Just focus on whatever God has for you today and walk through it in His strength and grace. 

My favorite Bible verse that I’ve adopted as my life verse is Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” I recently found out that “be still” is actually translated as the Hebrew word for "let go", which means that this verse is a perfect one to keep in mind in order to help us focus on living in the present"

“Be still (let go) [of the past] and know that I am God [trust me with your future].” 

 Let’s all try to remember to live this way and see how God can use people who are truly living day by day.