My Story for His Glory

***It's been a long time since I've published anything here on this little blog, though I have still been writing a lot. I've recently come out of a very hard season, one in which I needed to process and work through things on my own a little more, and wasn't ready to put out there for others to see. Now that I'm more on the other side of it, I'm hoping to share little pieces here and there, because I can see how very much God taught me in and through it all, and I really want to encourage and help anyone else who might be struggling, as well as share the amazing work God accomplished in and through me***

I absolutely love journals. I have kept a daily journal for half of my life now, writing out my prayers as a way to connect with God and clear my overloaded brain before I start the day. (It’s kind of the only way my super-distracted mind can stay focused while praying!) I often receive journals as gifts from people who know my love (and, honestly, need) for this daily habit, and each time I do it is such a blessing; I can’t wait to fill the pages with the prayers, blessings, and lessons to come. 

A few months ago, I finished a journal that a dear friend of mine gave me for Christmas last year. I was sitting at a bakery, enjoying a pumpkin muffin, when I opened that sweet little journal up and realized I was on the very last page. I paused for a moment and smiled a little sadly; it is always a bittersweet moment for me when I come to the end of a journal. I like to flip back through and briefly read over the events that had occurred in that span of time, and take a moment to see how God blessed, helped, and provided for me. As I prepared to do the same with this one, though, I had a sudden realization that made me stop in my tracks. I had forgotten, but I started this journal right in the middle of a very, very hard season…just days after one of the lowest times I’d ever had. In fact, this sweet little book almost didn’t even get the chance to be used by me at all.

 Tears filled my eyes as I turned to the first page and read that first entry, remembering the deep struggles and intense battles I was fighting at that time, and how I had hoped (really, kind of begged) that I would get to write some “happier” pages in this book. My specific prayer for this little journal was for God to allow its pages to show the “fruit” of the trials and pain I had already faced in previous months—to display growth and change and more of His Spirit being evident in my life. And you know what? In the 120 pages representing 6 more really, really hard months, God did just that. It definitely was not all sunshine and rainbows and a sudden transformation into a beautiful reflection of God’s work. Honestly, more than half of this journal holds some very hard, ugly, painful stuff as God walked me through deep depression, a lot of loss, false beliefs, heartbreak after heartbreak...basically one of the most intense seasons of refinement I’ve had yet. But really, the fact that it has a lot of tear-stained, angrily scribbled-on pages only makes the beauty of the final few pages in it shine brighter. Sitting in that bakery on that Friday morning, reading and reflecting over all of this, I was completely overwhelmed. To think of everything I was nine months ago—the brokenness, hopelessness, despair, and faithlessness—and see what God did in spite of it and through it all is just mind-blowing.

In ways, it’s really hard to think back on these things myself, let alone share them with others! I’ve realized, though, that this is part of my story. It isn’t pretty at first glance, or something I want to shout from the rooftops at all…until I look past the part that has to do with me, and turn my eyes on what God redeemed. Really, “my” story doesn’t have much to do with me at all, but everything to do with God and what He has done in me. That’s where the beauty lies, and where everything that should be shared comes to light. The focus shouldn’t be on what was, but rather on what He brought from it. He took complete brokenness and despair and inability and did everything He needed to do in order to bring me to where I am. He gave me beauty for ashes; He brought me through fire and flood to a place of not only surviving but truly thriving; He took a withered, parched plant and tended it and healed it so that now it is flourishing and has the chance to produce fruit for Him. That’s why I want to share this now; not to talk about me, but to point others to Him and showcase what he can do with a life that is given over to Him, no matter how broken and hopeless it may seem. He is so faithful, Guys, even when we are faithless. It’s incredibly humbling and overwhelming to reflect on this year and everything God has brought me through. 

On that Friday that I finished this journal, I read Isaiah 51:3, and it pretty much perfectly sums up exactly what God did for me in the span of this book: 

Obviously I have a lot of journals, but you know what? That one that almost didn't get used is always going to be one of my favorites, because it is the one that God chose to write a really beautiful story in: my story for His glory.