10 Lessons Learned in 10 Years of Marriage

Last week my hubby and I celebrated a full decade of marriage. I still can't believe we have shared 10 years together! It's an exciting milestone, for sure, and one we took full advantage of with a fun just-for-us trip: 5 days of being "just us" instead of Mommy and Daddy, and doing all of the things we can't do with kids right now (everything from a starlight canoe ride, to cave exploring, to riding river rapids). It was a terrific and refreshing time, and I am so thankful that we were able to celebrate together! 

Hitting a milestone like this often brings about reminiscing and thinking back on all that we have been through together and everything we have learned, and I thought I would share 10 things I have learned after a decade of marriage. 

1. Keep God at the Center.  Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." (NIV) The most vital thing in our marriage has been keeping God as that "third strand" in our relationship. During times when we would not have been able to stick together on our own, He has been the one to hold us together and keep us strong. Having a shared faith and walking together to develop relationships with God has been such a blessing in our marriage, and remembering that our relationship is meant to portray the love between Christ and His church has given us a bigger purpose than just being happy together. 

2. Be Best Friends. Marriage isn't just a romantic relationship; it's a deep, intimate friendship. I can say without any hesitation that Jed is my very best friend. I have the most fun with him; there is nobody I'd rather spend time with; and he is the main person I know I can be myself with and still be loved and accepted. Developing a true friendship with each other has been one of my favorite parts of our marriage. We have special shows that we only watch together (and then quote to each other later on and have inside jokes with); we read classic books aloud (and have finished over 20 so far!); we even play video games together sometimes! Find some special things to do to develop companionship and camaraderie in your marriage and then enjoy the sweet friendship that results.

3. Divorce is Not an Option. Early in our engagement, while working through premarital counseling and workbooks, we read that it is wise to just resolve to not let divorce be an option in your marriage. Too many times marriages fall apart or are damaged by one or the other threatening to leave (and usually not for a solid reason), and having that threat hanging over your relationship hinders intimacy and openness. If you go into the marriage knowing that it is truly forever, not something that you can end for just any reason, it builds a security and assurance that allows real trust and relationship to flourish.

PLEASE NOTE: There is absolutely no judgement from me towards those that have divorced or have chosen to separate from their spouses. I know there are circumstances that force people to make the difficult decision to be apart from their spouse, whether temporarily or permanently, and my heart aches for those who face that. I am referring to the flippant, careless attitude of "well, if I change my mind later there's always divorce." Marriage should not be entered into lightly, with the thought that it can be ended if it isn't convenient anymore. God intended it to be for a lifetime, and ignoring that blueprint leads to deep heartache and grief.

4. Don't be Afraid of Conflict. I have always struggled in this area, and am still growing in it. It is hard to think of conflict as something that can be healthy and good for a relationship since it can bring up a lot of hurt and anger, but holding those emotions in just so you can avoid an argument is more detrimental than just hashing things out. There have been so many times that I have tried to ignore a problem or "get over" hurt feelings without working through it with Jed, and it always ends up doing more damage than the original issue! In fact, when I finally do share with him, it inevitably ends up that he was completely unaware of the problem, apologizes, and works to fix things. Give your spouse credit and share your heart, even if you think it will lead to conflict. It's always better to work through things together than to hold it all inside.

5. Remember You Are on the Same Team. When conflict does arise, it is so easy to forget this simple truth: you are on the same team. You and your spouse are for each other, even when it doesn't feel like it. Ultimately, you are not actually battling your spouse; you are battling something far deeper. Ephesians 6:12 reminds us, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Your ultimate enemy, Satan, hates marriage because it is something that God planned and that brings honor to Him; he does not want marriages to succeed! He will use anything and everything to add division to your relationship: irritation, selfishness, jealousy, feeling unappreciated, etc. Yes, your spouse is a sinful and fallen human, and yes they will mess up and hurt you; the real, core issue, though, is that Satan wants you to use that as an excuse to grow apart from each other. Don't let him win. Remind yourself that you are together in this whole thing, and do what it takes to work through it and win the battle.

6. Even Though You are "One", You Can't Read Each Other's Minds! Even after being married for 10 years, Jed and I still miss each other's cues and can't always figure out what the other person needs. Now, we have gotten better at it, and don't have to be quite as detailed in explaining what it is we want, but it still isn't fair for me to expect him to read my mind, and vice versa. Be ok with having to explain, in detail, what you want from your spouse. I think that a lot of conflict and marital problems come from having expectations that we don't share with each other! Don't be shy; tell your spouse what you want, whether that is more help around the house, a listening ear instead of a solution to your problem, or more frequent date nights. Give each other the best chance for success; don't assume your spouse already knows what you want/need.

7. Prioritize Each Other. Early on in marriage, it is easy to keep your spouse a high priority. The feeling of being in love and enjoying time together pretty much guarantees that you won't neglect each other. As time goes on, though, and you add more responsibilities in (kids, work, a house) it gets trickier and trickier to keep priorities straight. Be purposeful in letting your spouse know they matter to you. Set aside times to be together, just you, even if that means sneaking out to the back yard while the kids are in bed. When your spouse is talking, put your phone/computer/book down and give him/her your full attention. When you have been apart, make it a point to greet your spouse first and let him/her know you missed them. Your spouse is meant to be your closest earthly relationship; make sure they know that they hold first place in your heart.

8. Strive to "Out-Love" Each Other. Something that can really make a difference in having a mediocre marriage versus a truly enjoyable one is to be purposeful in blessing your spouse. Something I've started doing that is really fun is to have a goal of blessing Jed in some special way at least once a week. That can be as simple as grabbing his favorite candy bar while I'm out grocery shopping, or leaving a love note in his suitcase when he is leaving on a business trip. Hebrews 10:24 (The Living Bible translation) says, "In response to all he has done for us, let us outdo each other in being helpful and kind to each other and in doing good." Can you imagine what kind of marriages we would have if we all lived like that?

9. Provide Space. As important as it is to have quality time together in a marriage, I also believe it is very important to give each other the gift of time alone. Each of you are your own people, with unique interests and hobbies, and it isn't realistic for most people to be able to be part of every single pastime their spouse has. Being purposeful in setting aside time for each other to pursue passions and be alone or with outside friends is a gift that has been a true blessing in our marriage.

10. Embrace "Gritty" Love. As time goes on, the "feel good" love of early marriage diminishes, but something even better takes its place. When we were first married, Jed and I were completely "in love", that feeling of euphoria and bliss that comes with finally finding "the one" and realizing you get to spend the rest of your lives together. As we have walked through life together, that kind of love, while still showing up once in a while, is not the main feeling we share. We have walked through a lot together--having children, changing jobs, moving, losing loved ones--and those incidents have brought out new traits in each of us (some of which aren't exactly positive!) Enduring these things together, though, and seeing the ugliest parts of each other has matured and refined that early love into something even more beautiful and rare: real, gritty, unbiased love. I used to feel sad when I thought back to that "in-love" season we shared, thinking that we were somehow not as close as we were then. In reality, though, we have developed more intimacy and closeness, and a more "real" love, in these later years than we could even think about back when we didn't know each other as well. It's exciting and wonderful to think that in the coming years and decades, that "gritty" love is just going to get stronger. What a gift!

When I think back on the last 10 years of my life with Jed, I am just so humbled and overwhelmed by all that God has done! We have learned, grown, and matured together, and have been abundantly blessed with a truly beautiful life. I can't wait to see what adventures are in store for the next decade and beyond, and I hope that all of you are blessed with that same excitement in your marriages.  

On Feeling Left Out

Have you ever had this experience? You’re relaxing a bit, mindlessly scrolling through social media, feeling just fine about the world. Suddenly, a post catches your eye that includes photos of some good friends, or family members, or other loved ones. The post talks about a fantastic trip or outing, or even just a playdate…that you weren’t invited to.

But other people were.

The post goes on to talk about what a great time everyone had and how much they love and appreciate each other, etc, etc, and the more you read, the less ok you feel. Suddenly life doesn’t feel so great. You feel lonely, isolated, even abandoned…totally left out. The questions start in almost immediately: “Why wasn’t I invited? Did they forget to ask, or did they purposely leave me out? Do they even like me?”

**Continue reading at Raising Rices where I am honored to get to share as a guest writer once again!

How I Plan My Homeschool Year Using Themes

How I Plan My Homeschool Year Using Themes

As summer winds down and we start scrambling to fit in a few last items from our "summer bucket list", it also comes time to get ready for fall and "back to school" time! For our family, that means planning another year of homeschool! This will be my third year of homeschooling (although the first two years were more of a "practice" school since my oldest is just now in 1st grade) and I am starting to get into a little bit of a "groove" with planning now. I was blessed with the opportunity to do a podcast with my sweet friend Marissa over at Raising Rices about preparing for the year of homeschooling, and I hope it will provide encouragement, ideas, and advice for anyone who is homeschooling or thinking about starting. You can listen to it here.

For those of you who learn or process better by reading/seeing things laid out, I wanted to include a few more "visual" things from some of what we shared in the podcast. Homeschooling is something that is very dear to me, both as a homeschool graduate myself and now also as a homeschool mama. I know it can be challenging, lonely, and downright overwhelming to get started, so I wanted to lay out my "method" of how I prepare for the year ahead, as well as my main purposes in schooling (AKA the things I try to turn back to when the school day is particularly hard and I feel like nobody is learning anything and I should just send everyone off to a more qualified professional!) 

Before reading ahead, two things I want to mention: First, I don't believe homeschooling is the perfect solution for every family, and I hope none of my readers will ever sense any kind of judgement or "holier than thou" messages from me just because our family has chosen to school at home for now. I tell everyone that we are taking the kids' schooling one year at a time, prayerfully thinking through and considering what is best for each child as well as our family unit. So far, the answer has been homeschooling, but someday that may change. God made every person and family unique, and it would be flat-out wrong to say that any one plan fits everyone. 

Along with that comes my second "disclaimer", that my way of doing things may not work for you, and that is totally ok! I want to share my thought process for those of you who do think like me and want to try a more theme-focused school year out, but I don't expect this to work for everyone. My prayer for this post, along with everything I write, is that it will encourage and inspire those that God intends it to. 

Ok. With all that said, let's get rolling.

Just What Are Themes, Anyway?

Simply put, using themes in homeschooling just means using different topics (animals, robots, spring, human body) to teach school subjects rather than, or in addition to, a typical curriculum. This coming year will be my first year with an elementary-school kiddo, so it is also the first year I've chosen a curriculum to use. I just didn't feel that my kids needed a lot of structured, sit-down-and-write learning before 1st grade (and I'm still keeping that part as light as possible for my oldest kiddo this year, using curriculum for his core subjects and themes for science and social studies). Instead, I chose to use a lot of hands-on and theme-based learning for preschool/kindergarten, and I was pleasantly surprised (and delighted!) by all that they picked up from it. Little kids need a lot of time to play and just be kids, and they are eager learners, so they soak information up no matter what they are doing. There are loads and loads of studies that back this up, and it's even been said that "play is the work of the child" (Maria Montessori). So if you have little kids (6 or 7 and under), try not to focus so much on seatwork (sitting down quietly and filling in worksheets) and instead just let them play! You'll be amazed at what they pick up!

 Now, I understand that some of us (*cough, cough* me) are too excited to wait for 1st or 2nd grade to start teaching. That's why I started using themes during school to make our mornings more purposeful and to get my kids in the "habit" of having a schooltime. Since I am more experienced with this kind of school planning, I'm going to spend my time in this post explaining that process rather than the process of choosing a curriculum and planning it out. For those of you with older students who need more information on that, you can listen to the podcast mentioned above (my friend Marissa does a great job of breaking down how to choose curriculum) or feel free to send me a message and I'm happy to share the process I did this year for picking the curriculum I am using for my oldest.

How I Plan for School:

1. Create Long-Term Goals and a Vision Statement (Do Once, Review Yearly)

• What do I want my kids to know by graduation?
• What do I want my school to look like?
• Why am I homeschooling?

Last year was my first "official" year of homeschool as my oldest son was in kindergarten, and because of that I wanted to figure out what my long-term goals were for him and my other kids. This goes beyond just the minimum requirements for graduation and goes more in-depth with what I want to impart to my kids before they leave my home. I think this is something any parent can do, regardless of if their kiddos are home-schooled or not. It can help to have a basic blueprint and purposeful plan for what we want our kids to learn, develop, and become while they are under our roofs. For example, here is what I came up with:

My Ultimate Goals for My Children 

1. I want my children to grow in their knowledge of and love for the Lord. I want them to come to salvation and to place God as the King of their lives, seeking to serve Him in all that they do.
2. I want them to love God’s Word and to be able to understand it and apply it to their lives. 
3. I want my children to grow in their character—to be honest, kind, generous, helpful, loving, and loyal.
4. I want them to learn how to treat others well and to seek to serve and put others before themselves.
5. I want them to appreciate and enjoy their family and to keep close bonds with each other and with their parents throughout their lives.
6. I want them to be able to understand, acknowledge, and control their emotions, as well as to grow in the skill of sharing their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs respectfully and well.
7. I want them to learn how to develop and nurture lasting friendships and relationships, gaining social skills, learning excellent manners, and growing in conflict resolution. 
8. Academically, I want my children to gain all of the skills they will need to be independent, wise, and responsible adults. I want them to be able to discover how they learn and to be able to use that knowledge to gain all of the understanding they need to survive and thrive as adults.
9.  I want them to not only understand basic learning skills (math, reading, writing), but to enjoy them! I want them to be lifelong learners, pursuing knowledge and wisdom in all of their passions. I want school to be something they enjoy and develop a passion for, not just something to endure and get through.
10. I want them to discover and nurture the gifts that God has given each of them so that they can use their talents to serve Him, help others, and impact their world for Christ.

By having this list in place, I can turn to it on even the hardest days and remember why I am doing this whole parenting "thing" in the first place. It enables me to stay purposeful in my parenting and in teaching my little school, and helps me not to get overwhelmed by the vague desire of wanting kids who turn out "right".

2. Research Requirements for Each Child and Create Year’s Goals (Yearly)

• Look up state requirements to stay within the law
• Research what each grade level should cover
• Find space to record learning progress as needed
• List learning goals to keep on track

Every state has different requirements and rules for homeschooling. At the beginning of each year, I like to check in and make sure nothing has changed and that I am still "within the law" in how I teach my kids. The Home School Legal Defense Association has a great tool for finding out what the law is in each state (and has a lot of good information in general on their site). 

Usually the state laws are far below what most parents actually expect from their kids academically, so the next thing I do is look up the basics of what each grade should learn before moving on to the next grade. This way I get an overall picture of what other students my kids' age are learning and can help my little ones stay on track. Something fun that I like to do with this info is make a little card for each student with each learning goal for the year listed. As we go through the school year, I let my kids mark off their goals as they accomplish them (usually with a dot marker. My kids just love those things!) Here is a picture of my kids' goals for last year:

Property of Raphah Mama

Property of Raphah Mama

3. Choose Which Subjects to Cover, and When to Do Them (Yearly)

• Daily subjects (math, reading, Bible, etc)
• Weekly  subjects (science, music, art, etc)

There are some subjects that need to be done each day (usually the typical reading, writing, and math) and others that would be fine to be done just once or twice a week (or even less). I think this can change with each family and even each year, so I like to review this at the beginning of each school year.

4. Prepare Planner and Schedule (Yearly)

• List any known days off (Holidays, Special Days, Etc)
• Choose weekly schedule (3 day, 4 day, 5 day)
• Create daily schedule for subjects/what each child does when

The next step for me is to buy a planner and start figuring out what I want our school time to look like this year. I mark off any days that I know we won't be doing school (Christmas break, birthdays, other special days) and decide if I want to do school Monday-Friday, or some other schedule. This year I am planning to do 4 days of school at home and then my son is attending a homeschool-supportive charter school one day a week to get in some PE time and the ever-important "socialization" (there are lots and lots of options for providing that time for home school kiddos, so be open and do some research!)

5. Choose Themes for Each Month/Week (Yearly, Semi-Annually, or Monthly)

• Interest-led themes (based on what child likes)
• Calendar-led themes (seasons or holidays)
• Life event themes (new baby, moving, vacation)

This has been one of my favorite parts of school planning. I love themes! There's just something about them that gets me excited to teach and also helps me to organize my thoughts into a fairly reasonable plan for what I want to teach my kids. I also like that I can get my kiddos involved in what we are going to learn, as it helps them to have a vested interest in their school and usually helps them want to do their schoolwork (usually...not always!) There are a myriad of themes you can choose from! For some ideas to get you started, you can check out my Pinterest Board for Early Learning Themes here.

6. Find Resources for Themes (Yearly or Semi-Annually)

• Pinterest ideas (save to a board)
• Library books (save to a “shelf”)
• Fun toys and games (make wishlist/shopping list)

Once you have settled on the themes you want to have for the year, you can start collecting ideas and resources for how you want to teach within those themes. Remember earlier when you decided which subjects you want to cover? This is the part where you tie your theme and subjects together. Confusing? Let's try an example. 

Say your theme is Space. The subjects/skills you want to cover this year are read-aloud time, fine motor skills, sensory time, and math/numbers. So you go through each subject and try to find things that match your theme, something like this:

• Read-Aloud: Search the library or your own books at home for any books on space you'd like to read to your kiddo and make a list (some libraries let you have a list of the books they have, so you can make a list for each theme if you want to!)

• Fine Motor Skills: Search pinterest for "space fine motor skills" and I guarantee you a myriad of fun ideas will pop up. One of the ones we used was to print out constellations and use a dull needle (or a plastic one for littler students) to poke the star pattern out. Then we held them up to the window and saw our constellations shining through!

• Sensory Time: Again, search on Pinterest and you'll find a boatload of ideas. Some that we have done are space playdough, galaxy slime, glow in the dark stars in water...

• Math/Numbers: Counting stars, adding/subtracting stars, measuring planets...More ideas on Pinterest. (Sensing a theme here?)

Since I've been doing themes for a few years now, I have been able to collect a pretty good selection of learning activities for all kinds of themes on my Pinterest boards. Feel free to check them out here (scroll down to the section that starts with "school themes") 

7. Begin Planning Each Week Out in Planner (Semi-Annually or Monthly)

• Note what the theme is
• Write out each subject
• List assignments/books under subjects

Once you have your resources all lined up, you can start plugging things into your planner! Yay! When I started out with homeschooling, I was planning my whole school year at once; and while that was handy to just have everything done, it ended up not working so well because I had to switch things up later in the year to accommodate some life changes and learning styles. I think a better plan might be to do anywhere from one to three months at a time so that you can get a feel for what is working and what isn't and can adjust accordingly as the year goes on.  

8. Collect Needed Resources (Semi-Annually, Ongoing throughout Year)

• Download printables and save to folders on computer
• Put library books on hold
• Purchase toys and games and/or ask for as gifts for birthdays and holidays

This is the last step in the actual planning stage! For me, it's a lot easier if I just have all of my resources ready to go. I like to make sure I download any games or worksheets I want to use and have them ready to go in a file on my computer (I have a folder for each theme I want to use for the year). I also try to put books on hold at the library at least a week in advance, and buy any toys or games that match my theme (or add them to my kiddos' wishlists for birthdays and Christmas. It's always super fun to get a gift that can also double as learning time!)

9. Set Up Lessons (Weekly/Bi-Weekly)

• Print out needed papers/books
• Pick up books from library
• Shop for any additional supplies (printer ink, paper, sensory materials)

With everything planned and ready to go, all that's left to do is to set up your lessons for the week (or day or month, whatever works better for you). I have one day a week that I do "computer work", so that is the day that I print out anything I need for school the next week, make sure my books are ready at the library, and make a shopping list for ongoing school needs (like printer ink or sensory materials). When I run my errands, I make a habit of stopping at the library for my books, and picking up whatever is on my school list while I do my regular shopping. 

10. Teach! (Every School Day)

• Remember your main goals/purpose statement to stay on-track
• Use your plan, but don't be a slave to it
• Have fun!

Now all that's left is to put all of your plans into action! When teaching, especially the littlest years, remember to have heaps and heaps of grace on yourself and your little students. Your kids are going to learn what they need to eventually! You have a good, long while to impart what you want to share, so having a bad day here or there is not going to ruin anything. Real life happens--sickness, grumpy attitudes, emergency shopping trips, surprise visitors... The beauty of homeschool is that you don't have to be tied down to a set schedule; you can mix it up as needed. Stay flexible, roll with the punches, and enjoy this time! Homeschooling is supposed to be fun; not constant fun, and maybe not even every day, but if you aren't enjoying it the majority of the time than there's something "off". Hold your plans loosely and remember the main purpose here: to raise up little people who love God, enjoy their family, and have at least the basic skills needed to be successful adults. 

That's about it! I know there's a lot to this; it takes time, effort, and creativity to plan school this way. It isn't for everyone! But for those of you who think it might be a fun way to start school with your little ones, I hope this is a helpful breakdown. Please feel free to ask me any questions! I am always happy to help however I can. Homeschoolers are all one big tribe, and we have to stick together!

Happy "Back To School" Season!

Five Lessons I Learned from "The Greatest Showman

Have you ever found a movie that you just "connect" with somehow? Something about it resonates with you and you simply fall in love with it. Well, that happened to me this last spring, the first time I got to see The Greatest Showman.

 I know a lot of people who enjoyed the movie and even call it their favorite; for me, though, it goes beyond being something I just really enjoyed. It truly impacted me, and it's one I can watch over and over without getting tired of it (and still experiencing the same emotional response to it as the first time I watched!) Beyond enjoying the awesome music, the amazing choreography, and the sweet story, the movie has a lot of messages that deeply resonate with me. Here are some of the things I took away from it:

1. "A Million Dreams for the World We're Gonna Make." From the beginning of this movie, I was very drawn to and inspired by the song "A Million Dreams" because I could so relate to the lyrics it held. I've always been a dreamer, envisioning the way the world could be and how maybe I could play a part in changing it for the good. Hearing young Barnum share his heart and vision stirs something in my own heart and gives me the desire to do my part in impacting the world (even if it's just a small piece of the world that I get to influence.) I think that God gives each of us dreams and desires for a purpose, and He wants to use us to shape the world! 

It's easy to just "let life happen" and to be so discouraged by the overwhelming needs around us that we don't even try. I think, though, that we need to have the perspective that even if we only help one other person--encouraging them, blessing them, investing in them-- it could start a chain reaction that we may never see the full impact of this side of Heaven. You never know; what you do for even just one other person might be the start of a major change in the world. 

2.) "You Don't Need Everyone to Love You; Just a Few Good People." One of my favorite lines from the movie also comes from my favorite character, P.T. Barnum's wife Charity. In the movie, Barnum is able to share his dreams and vision with the world and is at the height of his success, and yet he is still determined to earn more praise, recognition...love. Growing up as a poor tailor's son left invisible scars on his heart, so he finds himself (like many of us) striving to earn the respect, love, and admiration of as many people as possible. Charity reminds him (and us), though, that we don't need everyone to love us. Instead, we need to look around and realize how many good people already do love us, and what a blessing and gift that is. I know for me, I am often just blown away when I really stop and realize how many wonderful people God has placed into my life that truly love me. I don't want to miss out on these precious people because I am seeking still others to show me love and appreciation.

3. "No One Ever Made a Difference by Being Like Everyone Else." The Barnum family are not exactly the "status quo" of their time in this movie. They face ridicule, ostracism, and some pretty severe challenges and set-backs as they work to bring their visions and dreams to others. However, the quote above pretty much captures the truth of the matter: to make a difference in the world, we have to BE different. I'm sure Barnum didn't intend a purely spiritual truth when he said this, but it really matches up with what God calls us as Christians to do. "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:2, NIV) We were made by God to be set apart from this world, to be a light to those lost in darkness. It is only by being different that we can truly make a difference.

4. "However Big, However Small, Let Me Be Part of It All." I absolutely adore Charity Barnum in this movie. Her loyalty to her husband and intense support of his dreams is such a good reminder for me as a wife, but I also just love her sweet contentment with life; she doesn't desire the best things, and isn't constantly seeking "more". Instead, she is genuinely happy with even the poorest lifestyle, and can find beauty and blessing in it with ease. What a good example for us; can we find the same contentment, no matter what our circumstances? Can we experience joy and true gratitude no matter how much or how little we have? With Christ's empowering Spirit, yes we can: "...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (Phillipians 4:11b-13 NIV) Living without contentment robs us of enjoying so many sweet blessings (to read more about how this can happen, check out the guest post I wrote on Raising Rice's website here) but contentment opens our eyes to how wonderful our lives truly are.

5. "It's Everything You Ever Want; It's Everything You Ever Need; It's Here Right in Front of You. This is Where You Wanna Be...THIS is the Greatest Show." 

The biggest lesson that P.T. Barnum learns by the end of The Greatest Showman is that in all of his seeking and hoping for the best in life, he almost misses the simple and beautiful truth that the "greatest show" is there right in front of him, in the wonderful wife and precious daughters he has been given. I think sometimes we can get so caught up in seeking "the next big thing" that we miss what is here in front of us, right now, TODAY.
This is it. This moment, now, is something we only dreamt of before: marriage, children, the job we went to school for, the precious friends we never thought we'd actually have, LIFE. Our lives are filled with amazing blessings and gifts, and if we aren't careful we will miss them in the seeking of "more". I can't get through this last truth, portrayed so sweetly at the end of the movie, without crying. I really want to "get" this, guys, and I hope you do too. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize I missed "The Greatest Show". Let's keep our eyes open and our hearts thankful for the fantastic, amazing, once-in-a-lifetime show God is playing out in our lives right now. 

"So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." (Psalm 90:12 ESV)

"Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity..." (Ephesians 5:15-16a)

Why You Should Be Yourself

We hear a lot about "being yourself" in this world. "Don't hide who you are" and "shine bright" are pretty popular taglines in this day and age. I think that's all well and good, and I do agree that we should definitely be true to who God made us to be; I find in my own life, though, that it's hard for me to take advice or recommendations unless I know the reasons why I should. Why should I be myself? Why should I take the risk of being hurt and reveal my heart to others? Because as much as we hear that exhortation to "be true to you", I think that oftentimes people barely gloss over, or even totally ignore, the fact that doing that is a risk. We risk being hurt, rejected, made fun of, demeaned, and torn down when we open the curtains and let people see the real us. I don't know about you, but I need some pretty solid reasons to take that leap of faith before I do it!

 I am a pretty open person in general and try to be "real" and genuine, but I still struggle with this. I have lots of insecurities, fears, and uncertainties about myself, and like many others I have felt the sting of letting someone in only to have them crush my heart. I think there is wisdom in not opening up too soon to just any person; we want to make sure we are entrusting our hearts to people that are trustworthy. Still, we don't want to be so scared of others' opinions that we end up hiding the person God wants to be seen. So, I've been working on that in my own life in the last few months, and here are some of the things I've learned so far.

1.) You can minister much more effectively when people know the real you. 

Opening up about my struggles with anxiety and depression has provided me with so many opportunities to talk to others that I wouldn't have otherwise had. There's something about somebody confessing a struggle that makes others more willing to share their own. If we never revealed our struggles or weaknesses, we would limit others' willingness to open up with us about their own. When you are real and genuine with people, they will almost always do the same for you, giving you the opportunity to love and minister to them in a deeper and more meaningful way.

Another thing that happens when we let others see the parts of us that we don't really like is that it helps them to grow and mature. Let's accept it; all of us have things about us that are going to rub people the wrong way or irritate them. This is something I really don't like; I do everything in my power to not be an annoyance to those around me. However, maybe there's a reason God wants the people around us to deal with those things that irritate or stretch them. How else would they grow? Maybe God wants to use your emotional reactions to teach others patience and grace. Maybe He wants to use your silliness to help an uptight friend loosen up. You just never know how God wants to grow those around you by using your perceived weaknesses and struggles. If you limit or try to eliminate those traits, you may be taking away a tool that God wants to use to grow the people you interact with.

2.) You limit your ability to complete the work God has for you when you hide who you are. 

In counseling recently, I realized that I have been holding onto a false belief about myself that has caused me to hide a lot of who I am. My counselor encouraged me to get to the bottom of it so that we could start dealing with it and help me to be more open, and gave several reasons why this needed to happen; but the one that stuck with me the most was this: if I chose to keep hiding, stuffing my heart down deep inside, I would smother the potential and gifts that God has given me to do His work. Choosing to hide behind a false front deeply limits our potential. It's distracting to have to constantly focus on hiding ourselves! If we spend a lot of energy and time focusing on not letting the things we are ashamed of in ourselves peek out, that distracts us from putting all of our focus into the work God has for us! It's only when we can relax and stop hiding that we are able to really minister and serve as God desires.

3.) Hiding the things we are ashamed of often limits or even eliminates our greatest attributes. 

My husband and I are watching a TV show called "Monk" about a very gifted police detective who lost his wife and now struggles with intense OCD and several phobias. It can be a hard show to watch, for sure, but is one that I'm actually learning a lot from! In a recent episode we watched, Monk admits to his counselor that he is tired of being him, and he wishes he could just be a normal person. He is so torn up over how his struggles are ruining his life and others', and cries out that he just wants to be a happy, normal guy. I'll confess, I teared up a bit watching that; I could so relate to poor Monk. There have been many times that I have wished I could just stop being me--stop feeling so much, stop caring so deeply, and just stop struggling with things all the time. 

Well, Monk's counselor offers him medication that is supposed to help limit his OCD and anxieties, and Monk gives it a try. Guess what? It works! Monk gets the experience of being free from all of his struggles, and is a "normal" guy. 

However, this new normal is not so great. He actually becomes very arrogant, rude, distracted...and worst of all, he loses his amazing attention to detail, which was his greatest strength as a detective and was the gift that enabled him to solve crimes no one else could. See, it turned out that the reason he was able to do what he did was because of his OCD and fears. By getting rid of those, he also consequently lost everything he was good at. It wasn't until he stopped taking the medication and went back to dealing with constant fears and OCD that he was able to once again take note of things others had missed, and solve the current case.

 I believe that we can't selectively hide ourselves. If we choose to hide one thing, it automatically impacts another part of ourselves. If I choose to minimize and cover over how emotional I really am by putting on a tough act, I also consequently deaden the empathy and compassion God has given me for others. If I decide my need for quality time and kind words is an annoyance to others, I also lose my ability to recognize and meet those needs in others. God made us who we are in order to accomplish His purposes, and even though being in a fallen world has definitely twisted and morphed that, I believe He uses both our weaknesses and our strengths to accomplish His will. What if the thing you are most ashamed of, and that you wish with all your heart could just go away, is the very thing that God is using to accomplish His best work in your life? 

I know that "be yourself" has become almost trite in this day and age. We hear it from everyone and see it posted on everything from T-shirts to drink cups! However, I think it's time that we revive it for what it was meant to be: remembering that God created each of us uniquely, and placed us where we are for His perfect purposes. You have immense value simply because of how He created you, and you cannot fully honor Him or serve others to the max unless you "be yourself." So let's do this, Gang. No more hiding. Let your light shine; show your true colors; be who you were made to be, and watch God work through you.

Raphah: Learning to Let Go

Raphah: Learning to Let Go

At the beginning of this year, I was blessed with the opportunity to join my dear friend on her brand new podcast. She asked me to speak on what God was teaching me, and I was happy to share the main focus I felt that He wanted me to have for this year. Since then, that focus has led to a lot of big changes and leaps of faith in my life, including starting this blog, so I wanted to share the background to my "word" for 2018, "Raphah", and some of what God has been teaching me since I started this journey with Him this year. You can listen to the podcast I did with Raising Rices here.

I’m one of those people that loves to set New Year’s goals, and for the last few years I have chosen a “word” to help define my focus for the year. I’ve done words like “able” and “enough”, and it has been something that has been both helpful and also just a lot of fun! At the end of 2017, I was going through my end-of-year routine, processing the last 12 months and trying to think through what God wanted me to focus on for 2018. 2017 had been a pretty rough year for our family, with a lot of loss and challenges, so I was feeling emotionally "shell-shocked" in a way, and truly weary. In times like these, I used to have a tendency to become very controlling with whatever I possibly could, and that was exactly what was happening in my heart as I contemplated the last year as well as the year to come: I was worn out and emotionally drained, and just clawing at whatever I could control. With all of that going on, I felt a very clear call from God asking me to just let go and let Him take care of things in the next year.

That challenge felt so scary to me, which was a clue that it was probably what He wanted me to focus on! I started doing some studying and research, trying to see if there was a special word that would “capture” that truth of letting go, and my work took me to a place I knew I could find answers and inspiration: the Bible. As I began learning about the truth of letting go and how it was used in God's Word, I was really blown away by what I found! The first thing that came up with my online search was the verse Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” This verse has always spoken to my frazzled, controlling, always-going spirit, but something I never knew is that the part that is translated as “be still” is actually the Hebrew word “râphâh”, and when I did some studying on that word, here’s what I found:

"râphâh, raw-faw'; to let drop, abandon, relax, refrain, forsake; to let go; to refrain, let alone; to be quiet" (Blue Letter Bible.com)

So, the literal translation of that verse I’ve read and loved for so long, is actually “râphâh (LET GO, drop, refrain) and know that I am God.” That was such a powerful word picture for me, envisioning myself just dropping everything, letting my hands hang down, being weak instead of trying to stay strong and keep it all together, and let God handle it! So, that’s the word I chose for this year: râphâh.

It's been 8 months so far of living out this adventure of "raphah", and I have been so humbled and blown away by all of the things God has taught me in it. I'm sure He still has a lot more to show me before this year is out (and, really, throughout my life as I believe this word is one I will want to live by forever!) but here are some of the things He's shown me so far.

God is teaching me to let go in my role as a mother. I think that motherhood is automatically one of those roles in life that has the highest risk of guilt, just because of the intense responsibility and importance it holds, but I also feel that living in this day and age makes “mommy guilt” way more intense and frequent. I really feel that one of the most damaging things to mothers is the idea that somehow everything is “our fault”, whether for good or not-so-good. If we have well-behaved children, we are told what a good job we are doing; if our kids are in a trickier stage, we are often judged (silently or not-so-silently) and end up feeling intense guilt.

I’ve noticed in my own life that it isn’t even just what friends or family say in a moment of my kids’ misbehavior, but also even some of the parenting magazines and books I’ve read have fed me this idea that I am somehow in control of how my kids turn out. There are countless lists of how what we do incites behavior problems in our kids. Your kid is throwing tantrums? It’s because YOU don’t give him enough attention. Your daughter is regressing in her potty-training? YOU probably forced her to start training too soon, and now it’s all ruined. On and on it goes, until the voices in our heads end up constantly questioning and berating every decision we try to make as parents, and every misbehavior or little quirk of our kids leads us to blame ourselves.

Now, of course as parents we DO have pretty powerful influence over our kids’ behavior, and there are things we can do to help or hinder them in their development. But to take everything on ourselves, and to believe that how our kids end up is all up to us and our abilities and actions, is a very disheartening and dangerous thing. I can’t control my kids. They are their own people, with their own decisions, weaknesses, and abilities (or lack thereof!) and God purposely designed them that way! He also purposely gave them to me to parent, in spite of my own weaknesses. Something so encouraging that my own mom has told me over and over again is that God “fills in the gaps”. Where I mess up or fail as a parent, God can and will come in and meet my child’s need. They are His first, and He loves them more than I ever can! I am learning to let go in my mothering—let go of my unfair expectations of myself, let go of the guilt that comes from feeling like I’m failing or messing them up, and let go of my precious children themselves, trusting God to love them and care for them better than I ever could.

God is teaching my to let go when it comes to my physical appearance. You don't have to look far to know that body image is a big issue in this day and age. I know we’ve all heard about how damaging it is for women to see super models and other unrealistic body standards, but something that I’ve found damaging that may not be considered as much are the more subtle messages we hear and read even from a medical standpoint! BMI calculators, “ideal” weight charts, “correct” diet and even exercise standards can really combine to make us feel like we just don’t measure up, and don’t do enough to take care of our bodies. We are told from every possible voice how to have the “ideal” form, whether people use that terminology or not, and it is very, very disheartening--not to mention confusing! I’ve heard so many different opinions on what we should and should not be eating that I’m not even sure what is good or not anymore!

Last year I did everything “right” according to the medical experts and society in general. I exercised like a fiend 5-6 days a week, to the point that I made myself nauseous! I counted calories, stopped eating sugar or carbs, and ate an abundance of veggies. I drank half my body weight in water. And guess what? I didn’t lose ONE POUND. Now, yes, I did lose a couple inches, but it was just such a small “payoff” for all of the intense work I was doing that it was totally not worth it! I was making myself completely miserable. Beyond being sad about the lack of results, I was angry. In my head, I was following the “formula” for having a healthy body.

Exercise + eating well – carbs and candy (and anything else I really want to eat) = my ideal body weight. Right?

What was I doing “wrong” that made my body not respond?

Well, guess what? Ultimately, I’m not in control of how my body processes things. God is. He is the one who knit me together and chose everything from my height to my metabolism. I can do all I can to take care of my body, and I am working hard at doing that (with much more balance now!), but there is no guarantee that I will actually end up with the weight or appearance I’m longing for. So, God is teaching me to let go of my expectation that what I do will lead to a fit figure, and to just focus on doing what I can to care for my body (without going overboard and obsessing!)

God is teaching me to let go in my work as a home school mama and homemaker. I am a very orderly, organized person, and I get genuine joy out of planning things and setting up order, whether that be a clean and tidy home or a well-structured day. Well, I’m learning that there are some seasons that order and tidiness and structure just cannot happen, and I was actually in one of those seasons at the start of this year. The holidays always kind of throw things for a loop, but right after the New Year, just as I was trying to get back into school, we all came down with the flu--all 5 of us! So that took out another week of trying to get back into our normal routine. And on top of not being able to do school or chores, we were adding extra mess because we were all 5 crowded into the same room for days on end, and things definitely got disordered. It was one of those times where we couldn’t just flip a switch and get back to normal. All of us were feeling weak, out of our normal habits, and just needing a lot of time to get back into things. I would have LOVED to be able to just snap back into a good routine and have a tidy home again, but God wanted me to learn that I needed to let go of those standards, have grace on my family and myself, and trust Him to lay out our days as He desired. I’m not in control of my days—He is! And trying to struggle against that truth to try to force my perfect vision to happen won’t change a thing.

God is teaching me to let go of needing to do/be "the best" and to accept His grace.

(This was a more recent lesson for me, so isn't included in the podcast episode I did with my friend.) A major theme I've gone over in my counseling this year is the idea that God doesn't expect me to always be the best, and there isn't always only one "right" decision to be made in each situation. Life isn't all black and white, right and wrong. There are some situations that are, of course, but I was living my life like every single decision I had to make had one "best" choice, and the others would be falling short of God's standards and expectations of me. Let me tell you, this is not a fun way to live! I can't tell you the freedom and joy that entered my life when I realized that in reality, God is perfectly happy with me no matter what I choose throughout the day. I can clean my house, or leave the dishes and go to the park with my kids. I can give extra money to charity, or I can use it to buy the new shoes I've been waiting and longing for. I'd lived for so long believing that God had only one or two truly "right" options, and He expected me to find them or risk disappointing Him; it's been so freeing to realize that He loves me the same, no matter what I do, and while I still have to face whatever consequences my choices have, nothing I do changes how He views me.

There are still so many more lessons that God is teaching me when it comes to letting go, and I'm excited to share them with you on this little blog! I think the main message I want all of my readers to get from this post, and my blog in general, is that there is real freedom and joy in just letting go. I was afraid to take the step of losing control and maybe even all of the good I'd found in my life, but the truth is that my life has never been more full and good and joyful than it is now that I've learned to let go. Consider this your invitation to join me in this amazing adventure of "raphah" with our loving God.