Ecuador, Part 1: Boasting in My Weakness

The view from the top of the new cathedral in Cuenca, Ecuador

Ecuador

November 2-12, 2019

I’ve only had a few experiences in my life that I would consider to be life-changing, and each experience has proven so rich and full and impacting that it’s hard to put words to. My first mission trip was one of these times, without a doubt. Still, I am a “words” person, so I want to see if I can try to share at least a glimpse of the amazing, wonderful things God did in and through me in Ecuador. I could probably share dozens of times and not be able to cover all that He did in that 10-day span, but I’m hoping I can give at least a glimpse so that others can be encouraged and inspired at what our awesome God can do.

Beautiful scenery at Mirador Tres Cruces in Ecuador

I remember as a child telling my parents I wanted to be a missionary when I grew up, and I have had on my heart to do a mission trip of some sort for a while now, so when the opportunity to go to Ecuador with my church came, I jumped on it. My very good friend was leading it, it was to the country that another friend would soon be moving to in full-time ministry, and I wanted to take this next step in my walk with God. From the very beginning of this process, though, all the way back to last year when we had our very first informational meeting for the trip, I struggled with knowing for sure if I really should go. Even the night before that first meeting, Satan whispered one awful, debilitating message to my heart, “If you try to do this, you will be a liability to the team and to the work God wants to do.” He continued that message for the entire year, always adding another strand to it: 

“You will hold the others back, and ruin what God wants to do." 

"You are too weak, too afraid, and too much to handle." 

"You will only add stress and challenge to the leaders and the others, and won’t be of any actual use.” 

Though I tried to dismiss those words and move ahead, they still left an impact. I struggled intensely with the fear that my going on this trip would lead to the team being somehow hindered in their work, so while I went to the meetings, helped with the fundraising, worked on my Spanish, and did all I could to prepare for this trip, all the time my heart was quaking with the fear that I should not go. Deep within, though, I felt God leading me forward, urging me to step out in faith, reminding me in so many little ways that He wanted me there. It was only by His grace and mercy that I was able to get through all of the preparations and ended up sitting with my team on a plane, headed out for my first time out of the country without family, and the longest I had ever been away from my kids.

I thought that by getting on that first plane and taking that huge leap into doing what God said, I would have defeated that awful “liability” message once and for all, would be able to overcome my tendencies toward fear and anxiety, and would be able to get through without any trouble. Basically, I thought it would be easy.

Waiting at an airport on one of our three layovers

When we landed at the next airport though, and the rest of the team was in line for lunch, I sat at a table and was suddenly overcome with awful homesickness and anxiety. As tears started to burn my eyes, I heard that terrible message again: “See? What did I tell you. It’s happening, even now. You aren’t even out of the country yet and you’re already making a fool of yourself, distracting the team, adding stress. I told you. You are a liability and a hindrance.”

I fell apart worse than I can ever remember doing in a public place. I could not stop crying, as much as I tried to smash the tears away and settle my heart. I was so angry with myself, and felt that Satan’s message had been true all along. “This was such a horrible mistake.” I couldn’t even explain to my team what was happening, I was so upset, embarrassed, and mixed up inside. Still, they did all they could to help: sharing their lunch, praying with and for me, offering hugs and words of reassurance. Somehow we muddled our way through and after 14 hours of travel, we made it to Ecuador and our hotel for the night. Even then I was so, so unsettled, and had no idea of how I was going to make it through the next week.  As I fell asleep that night, I cried out to God and begged Him, “Please, Lord. Please show me you want me here. I can’t do this unless you tell me, very specifically, that I belong here; that this wasn’t a mistake.” That was honestly one of the most desperate, terrified prayers I have ever said, and one of the most intense moments I have ever had of recognizing my inabilities and “humanness”.

Probably the most accurate photo of how I was feeling during the day of travel

Somehow I was able to get some sleep, and when I woke up the next morning, I was greeted by a message from my dear friend and team leader. She had been writing it at the exact time I was crying out to God the night before, and when I saw the words she sent, I was deeply impacted: “You were called to this place for a purpose. It was not a mistake. Your Heavenly Father knows all the things you’re worried about and He has got you.” Needless to say, I cried; but this time, it was out of sheer gratitude and awe in how God had answered that desperate prayer. I hadn’t been able to explain to anyone what I was feeling, and yet God used my friend to share with me exactly what I begged Him to tell me. From that moment, I felt immense peace, grace, and boldness to do the work God had for me. There were still a handful of moments when I struggled, of course, but I never again had any doubt that God wanted me there, and I was able to carry out the resolution I had made to say “yes” to whatever He asked me to do on the trip. 

Me with my wonderful friend (and the team leader) Meghan

Going through that first day and night of pain was hard, but looking back I know it had a purpose. I believe that God allowed me to face that utter desperation and inability at the airport in order to show me and others that anything that was accomplished later on was all by His power. My team and I came face to face with who I am at my worst: on my own I am fearful, weak, and insecure. But when God takes over, I am bold and passionate and brave; and what a gift that God allowed us all to see both of those extremes on this trip so that there was no doubt Who was at work! Any good thing that I did was all because of how God equipped and empowered me, and I found that to be true for each member of our team.

2 Corinthians 12:9 expresses this truth so well: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I know weakness isn’t something our culture teaches us to admit to, but in God’s kingdom it’s different. In God’s kingdom our weakness is just a better showcase for His power, and it’s pretty incredible to get to experience that firsthand. Because of that, I can honestly say “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

So what do I want you guys to take from this? Simply this: don’t think that any kind of inability or weakness can stop God from working through you. I promise you, no matter how unable, afraid, weak, untalented, or unmotivated you are, God can do incredible things through you. God isn’t surprised by your brokenness, sinfulness, or fragileness. He made us, and He chooses to call us and use us in spite of all of our downfalls. I can’t wait to share some of the incredible ways He did that in my life on this mission trip.

An outdoor market in Guayakil, Ecuador

Click here to read part 2