Two Months in Quarantine

It's been 2 months now since our family started quarantine. This month was harder in a lot of ways than the first month, I think because the "newness" wore off and reality set in more, and that reality hasn't been easy to swallow. It's been good for me to process and think back on the ways God has worked, though, and the things He has placed on my heart as we wrap up another month of quarantine. Here are the lessons He shared with me each week this month.

Week 6: Who Do You Think You Are?

I think there are a lot of people who have found that with all of this extra time, there has come a lot more understanding about ourselves: the way we were created, the reasons we do what we do, the beliefs we hold. I've had the same experience myself throughout this quarantine, but I think it kind of came to a head in this week. I have been reading a very good book called "A Million Little Ways" by Emily P. Freeman and in reading this little book, God has taught me A LOT about myself. The gist of the book is that every single person has within them a unique way of expressing God's creativity (this covers a lot more than painting or writing or crafts; it entails whatever creative expression that makes us come alive and create beauty, everything from cooking a delicious meal to organizing a closet), and it goes over the things that hold us back from believing that, as well as the ways we can grow in fulfilling our place in His creation. During this week, I read a section that felt like a sucker-punch to my heart, but was such an important lesson from God. The author was sharing a few different questions we may ask that hold us back from creating and displaying the art we were designed to share, and the very last question she posed still makes me tear up because it's one I've heard so many times in my own heart: "Who do you think you are?" The author gives some pretty awesome encouragement for what to do when this question pops up.

"[First] Pay attention to what you're doing when you hear it. I bet you one million dollars you aren't watching TV. We have an enemy who wouldn't bother to threaten you if you weren't dangerous. So the question who do you think you are? only comes on the cusp of risk. Let that question become a signal to you: perhaps this work, this relationship, this dream, this effort has some life in it....The second action to take when this question comes to your mind is this: answer it. Rather than push the question aside or crumble under the implications, demand that it be a reminder of your belovedness. Let it encourage you in your identity. Who do you think you are? Answer it...Fight that question with answers before it has a chance to fester. Who do you think you are? You are made in the image of Creator God and carry the presence of his Holy Spirit with you wherever you go. You are a poem written inside the person of Christ and exist to carry out his inner desire. You are an image bearer and you have a job to do. Don't let that question derail you. You are the beloved. So be the loved. Receive your belovedness and then hand it out, receive grace and be gracious to others, remember your image-bearing identity and move into the world with a job to do. Show up as you are with what you've been given. And don't allow the voice of doubt and discouragement hold you back." (Chapter 8, "Show Up", emphasis mine)

God has chosen us to do His work, Guys, and Satan wants to stop us. He wants us to doubt who we are, how we were made, if we are "too much" of this or "not enough" of that, and I think the thing that makes all of this so hard to battle is that it has a tiny seed of truth in it. We are too much sometimes--too selfish, too angry, too jealous. And we are not enough: not patient enough, not forgiving enough, not faithful enough. But we can't stop there; that's what Satan wants. What we have got to remember, and what we have to throw back in Satan's ugly face, is that we aren't just us now. Because we believe in Jesus, and have been washed by His blood and filled with His Spirit, we are no longer the same!

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." (2 Corinthians 5:17) 

God has come in and taken care of all of the "too much" and "not enough". Yes, we will still slip up, because we live in a sinful world, and God will be continually refining us and perfecting us until the day we go Home. That doesn't mean that He hasn't shaped and equipped us for special work right now, though. This week God helped me realize that I've let a lot of doubt and uncertainty dictate the way I view myself, as well as the things I'm willing to step out in faith and do for Him, and He very clearly answered the question of who I think I am, as well as who I truly am in Him. 

Week 7: Stop Stamping Yourself Out

Carrying on from last week's lesson, this week God really opened my eyes and challenged me to rethink a few things about myself that I have always thought are wrong; things that I assumed reflect a weak faith, or misplaced priorities, or broken thinking that needs to be "fixed". Now, I do hold some of these kinds of traits; I am very much a fallen, sinful human in need of God's grace and redemptive work! It kind of breaks my heart, though, to think of some of the things I have been ashamed of and tried to stamp out of myself that were actually just unique reflections of my Heavenly Father that He hardwired into the core of my being. Things like viewing the world more emotionally than logically; a bigger-than-typical need/desire for relationship, connection, and support from others; and a very easily broken heart (yes for myself, but also for others). All of these traits can definitely be taken too far and enter into the realm of sin: emotional thinking can spiral down into depression and despair; a longing for connection with people can blind me to my need for God; sensing others' emotions and trying to protect them from hurt can snowball into people-pleasing. I've found, though, that rather than avoiding the sinful extremes that these traits can slide into, I've tried to stamp them out entirely. In order to not let emotions rule over me, I've stuffed my feelings down and beat them back with the harsh rod of logic and "maturity"; to prevent any idolizing of relationships, I've held back from asking others for help, no matter how dark and scary things may feel for me, because "I should be able to handle this with JUST God helping me" (never mind the fact that God often uses His people to share His love and help in tangible ways); and rather than confessing my sensitivity and fragile heart, I berate myself for what I feel and talk myself out of "being offended" or "too petty". Here's what I'm learning is true, though: God put these things in me for a reason. Each of these traits reflects a truth about Him that others won't get to see in me if I continue to hide them, and the same is true for each of you. Sometimes those things you struggle with about yourself are sin, yes; but sometimes, they are something God purposely placed within you as a special reflection of Him! 

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." (Psalm 139:14)

 Again, the book "A Million Little Ways" spoke to my heart in big ways regarding this. The author shares something that her dad said that deeply resonated with me when I read it: 

"Just because I don't like something about myself doesn't mean it's sin. Sometimes I worry more over those parts than the parts that are sin. Isn't there enough of the sin to worry about without micro-managing the unique aspects of your personality? If who you are is random, then yeah, go on a self-improvement program. But if you think God is in control of the whole thing of you, and he made you on purpose for a reason, and you try to be someone else, who will be you?" (Chapter 10, "Offer", emphasis mine)

I'm still learning the difference between a sinful trait that I need to give up to God and repent of, and a personality trait that is simply part of the way God designed me; I think, though, that God made some pretty awesome headway this week! I want to move ahead, from this week on, learning more about how God designed me to reflect Him and not trying to hide those things away just because I sometimes struggle to appreciate them. 

Week 8: Things Will Never Be the Same

This week was a hard one. Somehow things just "clicked" more and I really came to realize that I'm not going to get my "old life" back. Things aren't going to go back to the way they were before. Businesses will have closed down, or will at least have new rules to follow; schools and extracurricular classes will have new guidelines and safety measures in place; the economy will be different; and several relationships have already changed in my life and their future is uncertain. With this realization, there has been definite grief. I liked my old life, a lot. I had a "good system" down, was able to work towards goals and build relationships fairly easily, had plenty of opportunities to minister to others and connect with them...I was happy. Losing those things and struggling to figure out how to get them back in this new lifestyle has been intensely hard in a lot of ways, and I've honestly even come to the point of questioning if I will ever really be happy again. Don't get me wrong; I have had so many sweet, memorable, GOOD moments even in this crazy season; I have never been at a lack of finding blessings when I look for them (God is so good, isn't He?) I think what has happened is that I am getting yet another opportunity of learning to let go of what was, and trust God to bring good things again. It's not like this is the first time I've had to do this, right? I mean, this whole blog has been based on letting go and trusting God! Still, the reality of the matter is that it is hard, hard, HARD to do this. I don't want to let go! I liked what I had! And this is an "in between" season, one in which there's a lot of "taking away" but not yet very much "replacing". God is emptying my hands and heart of the things I loved, and it isn't until He's cleared that space out that He will start replacing things with what He has in store. In the midst of the taking away, on top of mourning the loss of those things I've held so dear, I can't imagine how His replacements will ever be as good...even though I've seen Him do it so many, many times before this. Isn't that funny? It comes down to this: Do I trust God enough to let Him do this? Do I believe that He is good, and that he wants good for my life? Do I have faith in His plans, relying on Him to take out what He needs to, even if that feels like He is taking pieces of my heart? Do I trust Him to take the space that each little thing has held and use it how He needs to? Can I live in enough submission and faith that I can say to God, "your will be done", even with the most precious blessings I hold? 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." (Romans 15:13)

This week I learned that I have a choice to make, here; we all do. We have to accept that things will never be the same, and grieve those losses; but after that, will we stay stuck in that mourning and pain, trying to clutch at the shreds of what remains? Or will we trust that God is in control, open up our hands and hearts to release those things He wants to take, and believe that He loves us and will replace all that He takes away with things that are truly for our good?

Week 9: It's Time to Live

I'm still right in the middle of week 9 as I write this, but I think I can really sense the thing that God is wanting me to focus on and learn this week, and that is to stop looking back at my old life, or ahead to what comes later, and to instead really live in the here and now. I grieved the loss last week, and I think that was perfectly acceptable and even good; trying to pretend like I'm fine with losing so much that I've loved and enjoyed is basically lying, and keeping that bottled up in my heart doesn't leave room for the new lessons that God wants to put there. Now that there has been a little bit of time and acceptance, though, I sense that God is telling me, "Ok, Love. It's time. Let it go, stop looking back and longing for what I've ended. And stop putting life on hold until things get better later. Let's move ahead together, right now in this season; I want you to really live rather than just survive." So with that, I've been trying to be more purposeful in making this season work better, to make it be more enjoyable and happy rather than just "survivable." I think up until now I had in my head that my "real life" was everything from before quarantine, and it won't come back until after this season when things open up more and I can be "free." Instead, I need to realize that this weird, crazy time in history is still my life; it isn't just a waiting period to kind of float through and try to survive. Sure, there is definite waiting, and all of the unique growth and lessons that God teaches us in times of waiting, but waiting doesn't mean "stop living". 

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." (Isaiah 43:18-19)

I've been trying to process and think through the things I miss the most from "my old life" and the things I've put on hold for "my new life", and am trying to find ways to include what I can in the here and now. Sure, it looks different still; the reality of COVID and quarantine and social distancing mandates are all still very real, and I have to live my life within those realities. This week I'm learning, though, that I really can (and should) still live within those realities--truly live, not just survive and wait until this season ends.

It still kind of blows me away that this quarantine has been in effect for 2 whole months! I'm also recognizing that I likely have 2 or more months to go, which is something that would have sent me into a tailspin last month! As time goes on, though, I'm continuing to see and feel God's faithfulness in providing what I need, and in teaching me so very much in this season. I still can't wait for COVID quarantine to be a mere memory, and I'm especially eager to be allowed to go back to church! In the meantime, though, I know that God will continue with His incredible love, faithfulness, and grace; He will deliver us out of this season at the right time, and He will sustain us until that time comes. 

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13-14)