3. I Know You
On our last few days in Cuenca, God absolutely overwhelmed me with the simple knowledge that He knows me, deeply and personally, and that was the ongoing message as I prepared to leave this beautiful country and sweet people I had fallen in love with.
To explain the depth of this lesson best, I have to do a little more "boasting in my weaknesses" first. The sixth day of our trip was probably the hardest day I experienced during the actual mission work itself. On this day we were hosting a medical clinic for the people in a small town called Quingeo, and this little spot was my first experience with "third-world country" life. I was overcome by the number of people there were who needed help, the kind of situations they were living in, and the simple fact that I could not do anything at all to help--not even really communicate with them. I had started the morning playing games with the kids and doing what I could to keep them busy, but after a few hours I found myself once again without anything to do, and felt the familiar feeling of anxiety stealing over me as a result. I sat on the steps behind the triage tables and tried to settle myself down. I couldn’t even put to words what was happening; all I knew was that I was suddenly terrified to go out among the people, unable to understand them or communicate with them, surrounded by hurting people I couldn’t help or even reassure.
Meghan saw me sitting there and came over to check in.
“Hey. Are you praying? Or being anxious?”
I contemplated my answer for a moment, and then replied, “Both.”
“Well, stop being anxious. You gotta let the Holy Spirit take over and do His thing!”
“You gotta start praying for that to happen, then, cuz I need it,” I muttered.
“YOU go pray. Go walk out there and pray for the people.”
The thought of leaving those steps and having to be out among the people again made my anxiety skyrocket. I felt the tears coming, which only made the anxiety worse, so I just shook my head and simply whispered, “I can’t.”
“Yes you can. I’m not asking you to talk to anyone. Just go out there, walk in the park around the trees, and pray.”
In spite of my best efforts, the tears started to fall. I was completely mortified but all I could do was whimper, “I can’t communicate. I don’t want to do this.”
This was pretty much exactly what I had been afraid would happen: being too anxious, weak, and afraid to do something I was asked to do. I couldn’t believe it actually happened, and I felt so ashamed; I couldn't even look up, but kept my gaze fixed firmly on the ground. I was hoping that my confession of inability would mean that my team leader would just let me sit there and "wallow", but God had work to do in me with that constant anxiety of mine, and He used her to speak what I needed to hear.
“Look, I get that sitting apart from everyone is an effective coping mechanism, but God has you here for a reason. You can’t just sit there and hole up inside of yourself and still be able to do His work. You need to make a choice. If you really need to just sit and cope for a while, then you can stay there, or even move up to the other stairs over there so no one can see you and you can be left alone for a bit. Or you can go walk out in the park away from everyone and just pray for this city. You don’t have to interact, or talk, or anything. It's up to you. What are you going to do?”
I couldn’t even lift up my face to look at her, I was so embarrassed. I knew even then that she was completely right, though; God had sent me to that place for a purpose, even if it was "just" to pray, and I was not fulfilling that calling by sitting on those stairs. Finally I tearfully mumbled, “Ok. I’ll go pray.”
“Ok then. Do you need a lollipop? I'd give you chocolate but all I've got for a sugar fix is the dum-dums for the kids.”
I laughed a bit through my tears and nodded yes, so she pulled me up to stand, gave me a big hug and a lollipop, and then sent me out to go pray. I weaved my way through the crowds of people, still staring at the ground so nobody could see I'd been crying, and made it into the relative peace and quiet of the park.
Honestly, I spent the first half hour of my time in that park just crying and praying through my shame at falling apart like I had, trying to work through my thoughts and worries. Anxiety is frustrating, exhausting, and embarrassing to deal with in a normal situation, but this one really did me in, and I was very discouraged. After a while, I took out my phone to read my mission trip devotional and some Bible verses, and that gave me enough peace to be able to pray for the people I saw and the city overall. Still, I ended the day feeling rather defeated at how fear and anxiety had attacked me and seemingly won, and how at that moment it felt like that first lie Satan ever told me about this trip was somehow confirmed: “See? You ARE a liability. Look at what you did. There’s no way anyone wants you here now. You are weak and afraid and weren’t any use today.”
The next morning I was once again woken up by a message from my friend.
“I just want you to know that I’m thankful for your presence here even though yesterday was a lot more anxiety-filled. The Lord is doing big things in and through you. He’s growing you and showing you. He gave you a great big heart that aches to be able to serve Him and His people. So we go away from here and we try to get more prepared and equipped to help and we come back. We are faithful to Him and he does big stuff.”
God knew my broken heart and the specific fears I had, down to the worry that others would regret my coming on the trip because of my anxiety. I was so thankful for that reassurance and comfort from God, and how He addressed the lies Satan whispered to my heart and reminded me of who I really am.
As if that wasn't wonderful enough, God continued that sweet ministry to me at the church service we attended that morning. It was our last day of ministry, and we were going to a local church where Meghan would be sharing the message. We all filed in together just as they were praying over the service, and then we found seats as the worship began. The very first song they sang was one that I was familiar with in English, and my team and I sang along with it in our native language as the rest of the church sang in Spanish. It was so amazing to hear the beauty of two different languages singing the same praise to God. As they began to sing the next song, I noticed that my friend Anne, who was next to me and spoke fluent Spanish, had tears in her eyes and was watching me. She leaned over and asked me, "Do you know what the words are?" I shook my head no, and she whispered that the words to the song meant, “My God is my rock and strong tower when I am afraid.” Anne had been my roomate for the entire trip and knew all about my anxiety and how much I had struggled, especially the day before at the medical clinic. She and I were were both deeply impacted that God allowed that particular song to be a part of the service at a time when I most needed that reassuring reminder. I was blown away that He used a song spoken in Spanish, in an Ecuadorian church, to reassure me in my ongoing struggle with fear.
After Meghan shared her wonderful message with the church, we all met up in small groups to get to know each other more. We went around the circle sharing our names and telling about our families, and when I told everyone that I had three kids and homeschooled them all, the pastor of the church smiled at me and remarked that I am very brave. I laughed and said, “Thank you. Sometimes I feel more crazy than brave!”
But his response showed me again how much God knows me--more than I know myself, even. He said, “No, you are brave to come on this trip, to be so far away from your family. You are brave.”
As he said those words, they felt like more than a simple opinion, or passing remark. It was almost as if he spoke them over me, proclaiming a truth about me that I didn't know...but God did. I was a little bit taken aback, but I smiled at him and told him thank you, then sat and pondered with God for a while.
“Brave, God? Me? Didn’t we just yesterday have to deal with how fear is holding me back? Didn't you see how scared I was, and how much I let you down?”Then I remembered something I’ve told my own kids over and over about bravery: “Being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t afraid. It means that even though you are afraid, you still move ahead. You have to have fear in order to have bravery.”
Something shifted in me that day. I have always felt somehow held back by my fear, ashamed of how my anxiety shows up and showcases my weaknesses to everyone; and honestly sometimes I have used it as an excuse to not even try scary things. But I realized then and there that in reality, God has made me brave. To live with constant fear and anxiety and continue to move ahead and do things anyway, requires being brave. This isn’t anything I’ve done myself; like I said, if I had been left to myself at that medical clinic and God hadn’t used my friend to push me out of my "fear bubble", I would have stayed huddled up on the steps completely cocooned into myself and letting fear win entirely. God’s Spirit, though, equips me and enables me to move ahead in spite of feeling that fear. And that, my friends, is bravery, and is something I never knew about myself...but God did; and he used the pastor of that Ecuadorian church to share it with me and change my self-perception big time. I still struggle with anxiety, and I might always have to; it's part of living in a fallen world to have emotions and thoughts that don't always work like they were intended to. Anxiety isn't part of my identity now, though; it's just a symptom of having a broken body and living in a sinful world. My identity--who God knows I am and is teaching me more and more to live as-- is someone whom He has made brave.
On our last day in Cuenca, as I came down for our last breakfast at the hotel, one of my teammates pulled me aside and asked me to sit with him. We chatted a little bit about the trip and how God was working, and then he told me he had a verse for me to take home and remember. “’He knows your frame, that you are only dust.’ [Psalm 103:14] But he works through you. Even with your weaknesses and how you struggle with fear and everything. He knows you, Kiddo. And he uses you.” I felt that that verse was a pretty amazing way to sum up the week, and resolved to do as he said and take it home with me. But God wasn't done yet.
To explain the depth of this lesson best, I have to do a little more "boasting in my weaknesses" first. The sixth day of our trip was probably the hardest day I experienced during the actual mission work itself. On this day we were hosting a medical clinic for the people in a small town called Quingeo, and this little spot was my first experience with "third-world country" life. I was overcome by the number of people there were who needed help, the kind of situations they were living in, and the simple fact that I could not do anything at all to help--not even really communicate with them. I had started the morning playing games with the kids and doing what I could to keep them busy, but after a few hours I found myself once again without anything to do, and felt the familiar feeling of anxiety stealing over me as a result. I sat on the steps behind the triage tables and tried to settle myself down. I couldn’t even put to words what was happening; all I knew was that I was suddenly terrified to go out among the people, unable to understand them or communicate with them, surrounded by hurting people I couldn’t help or even reassure.
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| Playing Duck-Duck-Goose with the sweet kids at the clinic |
Meghan saw me sitting there and came over to check in.
“Hey. Are you praying? Or being anxious?”
I contemplated my answer for a moment, and then replied, “Both.”
“Well, stop being anxious. You gotta let the Holy Spirit take over and do His thing!”
“You gotta start praying for that to happen, then, cuz I need it,” I muttered.
“YOU go pray. Go walk out there and pray for the people.”
The thought of leaving those steps and having to be out among the people again made my anxiety skyrocket. I felt the tears coming, which only made the anxiety worse, so I just shook my head and simply whispered, “I can’t.”
“Yes you can. I’m not asking you to talk to anyone. Just go out there, walk in the park around the trees, and pray.”
In spite of my best efforts, the tears started to fall. I was completely mortified but all I could do was whimper, “I can’t communicate. I don’t want to do this.”
This was pretty much exactly what I had been afraid would happen: being too anxious, weak, and afraid to do something I was asked to do. I couldn’t believe it actually happened, and I felt so ashamed; I couldn't even look up, but kept my gaze fixed firmly on the ground. I was hoping that my confession of inability would mean that my team leader would just let me sit there and "wallow", but God had work to do in me with that constant anxiety of mine, and He used her to speak what I needed to hear.
“Look, I get that sitting apart from everyone is an effective coping mechanism, but God has you here for a reason. You can’t just sit there and hole up inside of yourself and still be able to do His work. You need to make a choice. If you really need to just sit and cope for a while, then you can stay there, or even move up to the other stairs over there so no one can see you and you can be left alone for a bit. Or you can go walk out in the park away from everyone and just pray for this city. You don’t have to interact, or talk, or anything. It's up to you. What are you going to do?”
I couldn’t even lift up my face to look at her, I was so embarrassed. I knew even then that she was completely right, though; God had sent me to that place for a purpose, even if it was "just" to pray, and I was not fulfilling that calling by sitting on those stairs. Finally I tearfully mumbled, “Ok. I’ll go pray.”
“Ok then. Do you need a lollipop? I'd give you chocolate but all I've got for a sugar fix is the dum-dums for the kids.”
I laughed a bit through my tears and nodded yes, so she pulled me up to stand, gave me a big hug and a lollipop, and then sent me out to go pray. I weaved my way through the crowds of people, still staring at the ground so nobody could see I'd been crying, and made it into the relative peace and quiet of the park.
Honestly, I spent the first half hour of my time in that park just crying and praying through my shame at falling apart like I had, trying to work through my thoughts and worries. Anxiety is frustrating, exhausting, and embarrassing to deal with in a normal situation, but this one really did me in, and I was very discouraged. After a while, I took out my phone to read my mission trip devotional and some Bible verses, and that gave me enough peace to be able to pray for the people I saw and the city overall. Still, I ended the day feeling rather defeated at how fear and anxiety had attacked me and seemingly won, and how at that moment it felt like that first lie Satan ever told me about this trip was somehow confirmed: “See? You ARE a liability. Look at what you did. There’s no way anyone wants you here now. You are weak and afraid and weren’t any use today.”
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| Some purple flowers I saw while walking through the park. They were a sweet little comfort from God in a hard moment. |
“I just want you to know that I’m thankful for your presence here even though yesterday was a lot more anxiety-filled. The Lord is doing big things in and through you. He’s growing you and showing you. He gave you a great big heart that aches to be able to serve Him and His people. So we go away from here and we try to get more prepared and equipped to help and we come back. We are faithful to Him and he does big stuff.”
God knew my broken heart and the specific fears I had, down to the worry that others would regret my coming on the trip because of my anxiety. I was so thankful for that reassurance and comfort from God, and how He addressed the lies Satan whispered to my heart and reminded me of who I really am.
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| Just a small part of the team that put on the medical clinic |
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| Our team having tea at the church service |
But his response showed me again how much God knows me--more than I know myself, even. He said, “No, you are brave to come on this trip, to be so far away from your family. You are brave.”
As he said those words, they felt like more than a simple opinion, or passing remark. It was almost as if he spoke them over me, proclaiming a truth about me that I didn't know...but God did. I was a little bit taken aback, but I smiled at him and told him thank you, then sat and pondered with God for a while.
“Brave, God? Me? Didn’t we just yesterday have to deal with how fear is holding me back? Didn't you see how scared I was, and how much I let you down?”Then I remembered something I’ve told my own kids over and over about bravery: “Being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t afraid. It means that even though you are afraid, you still move ahead. You have to have fear in order to have bravery.”
Something shifted in me that day. I have always felt somehow held back by my fear, ashamed of how my anxiety shows up and showcases my weaknesses to everyone; and honestly sometimes I have used it as an excuse to not even try scary things. But I realized then and there that in reality, God has made me brave. To live with constant fear and anxiety and continue to move ahead and do things anyway, requires being brave. This isn’t anything I’ve done myself; like I said, if I had been left to myself at that medical clinic and God hadn’t used my friend to push me out of my "fear bubble", I would have stayed huddled up on the steps completely cocooned into myself and letting fear win entirely. God’s Spirit, though, equips me and enables me to move ahead in spite of feeling that fear. And that, my friends, is bravery, and is something I never knew about myself...but God did; and he used the pastor of that Ecuadorian church to share it with me and change my self-perception big time. I still struggle with anxiety, and I might always have to; it's part of living in a fallen world to have emotions and thoughts that don't always work like they were intended to. Anxiety isn't part of my identity now, though; it's just a symptom of having a broken body and living in a sinful world. My identity--who God knows I am and is teaching me more and more to live as-- is someone whom He has made brave.
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| Sitting in small groups getting to know each other after the service. The man in the red jacket is the Ecuadorian pastor who told me I am brave. |
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| Enjoying that awesome pumpkin spice latte! |
As we were getting ready to head out for a fun day of shopping, one of my new friends, Karri, came to the hotel with something I never expected to have in Ecuador but absolutely love: a pumpkin spice latte. They do not have pumpkin in Ecuador, but Karri knew a barista there who made her own pumpkin spice syrup and went to her for her pumpkin spice latte needs. On this day, though, she wasn't in the mood to finish the drink she had hardly touched, and asked if anybody at the hotel would enjoy it. I was ecstatic. It wasn’t a huge gesture to her at all to offer me the rest, but it brought tears to my eyes to be reminded that God knows me so intimately, even little details like how much I love pumpkin spice, and brought me that little gift all the way in Ecuador.
We spent that day shopping in the city and finding sweet mementos and gifts to bring back home with us, and then enjoyed lunch and icecream with our ministry friends before saying goodbye. It was emotional and hard to have to leave these sweet people; even though it had only been a week, we had built some amazing relationships, and I knew I would truly miss them all. As we were getting ready to head to the hotel to get our suitcases and get on the bus, my friend Ed pulled me aside and said he had something to share with me.
We spent that day shopping in the city and finding sweet mementos and gifts to bring back home with us, and then enjoyed lunch and icecream with our ministry friends before saying goodbye. It was emotional and hard to have to leave these sweet people; even though it had only been a week, we had built some amazing relationships, and I knew I would truly miss them all. As we were getting ready to head to the hotel to get our suitcases and get on the bus, my friend Ed pulled me aside and said he had something to share with me.
“You know that kids’ song ‘Jesus Loves Me This I know’? Well, lately I’ve been thinking of it as, “Jesus knows me, this I love. And I want you to take that back home with you, and remember that God knows you, and He loves you.”
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| Saying goodbye to our wonderful friends |
I can’t believe I was able to hold it together as well as I did. To be told very specifically the message that God knows me twice that day, by two different people at two different times, hit me so powerfully. God does know me. He knows my frame, that I am dust; He knows that I struggle with anxiety, that I constantly wonder what others are thinking, that I am often held back by my insecurity, and that I will let Him down so much. Yet, in spite of that, He loves me. He uses His deep, personal knowledge of me to bless me and remind me that He cares (even with little gifts like pumpkin spice lattes). There is absolutely no one else who knows me like God does, and He loves me intimately. For someone like me who truly fears that I would be unloved if I was truly known, this message is intensely powerful. If I can live this out, truly believing that God knows me—that I don’t have to prove anything to Him, or try to hide my weakness, or be afraid to fall apart—I can’t imagine what kind of life I could have. And isn't that true for all of us in one way or another? As scary as it is, I think most of us really do want to be known--to be seen and understood and unconditionally loved even in our weakness. We hope to have it from other people, and sometimes they can come through in big ways, but ultimately they will fail in this area, over and over. Instead of looking to others or even ourselves for that desire to be fulfilled, what if we just lean into the beautiful truth that God knows us--so much more intimately and personally than we could ever imagine--and move forward with confidence in that amazing identity?
"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty to attain." (Psalm 139: 1-6)
"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty to attain." (Psalm 139: 1-6)
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| Laughing after trying cuy (guinea pig!) earlier in the trip. I love this picture because it captures the joy and happiness I felt getting to experience all that God taught me in Ecuador! |
Sometimes it's hard to explain the depth of change the lessons I learned in Ecuador had in me, but I think it might just be something that can't really be explained with things like words or even pictures. These things have to be experienced, again and again, by each person in order to be grasped. My prayer for each of you is that God brings you into opportunities where you, too, can learn that He chose you for good works, He loves you and will provide for you, and He knows you so, so deeply.
I think the perfect ending to my mission trip story is the lyrics to a song I heard just a few days after returning home. I still cry when I hear it because it so completely captures the sweet message God spoke to my heart on this trip. I hope it will help others grasp His love, acceptance, and grace too.
I think the perfect ending to my mission trip story is the lyrics to a song I heard just a few days after returning home. I still cry when I hear it because it so completely captures the sweet message God spoke to my heart on this trip. I hope it will help others grasp His love, acceptance, and grace too.
"I Knew What I Was Getting Into"
~Misty Edwards~
~Misty Edwards~
I knew what I was getting into when I called you
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same
I knew what I was getting into, and I still want you
I knew what I was getting into
I knew what I was getting into, and I still chose you
I knew what I was getting into, and I still want you
I knew what I was getting into, and I still said Your name, I said it just the same
I knew what I was getting into
I am not shocked by your weakness
I am not shocked even by your sin
I am not shocked by your brokenness
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you
I knew what I was getting into and I still like you
I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you
Cause only I can see the end from the beginning
And only I can see where this is going
Only I can see the end from the beginning
And I see anew the seeds of love
And I see in you strength
When all you see is your failure
And all you feel is shame
I can see deeper than that
I know you better than, better than that
I knew what I was getting into when I called you
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, I said it just the same
I knew what I was getting into, and I still want you
I knew what I was getting into, and I still like you
You're only at the beginning
You've only just begun
And I know where you are going
And all you can see is the moment that you're hurting
And all you can see is the moment that you're aching
But listen;
I knew what I was getting into when I called you
I knew what I was getting into, and I still want you
I knew what I was getting into, and I still like you
I knew what I was getting into, when I called you
Just don't give up
And don't give in
If you don't quit, you'll win, you'll win
Everything is in my hands
It's gonna be alright
Everything is in my hands
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be okay
Everything is in my hands
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be okay
And you don't have to pretend to be something or someone that you're not
Cause I know you better than that
Even better, even better than that
Listen my beloved;
I knew what I was getting into when I called you
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, I said it just to say
I knew what I was getting into, and I still like you
I knew what I was getting into, and I still chose you
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| The beautiful view on top of the New Cathedral in Cuenca, Ecuador |
