Saying Goodbye

When I chose my "word" this year--raphah, "let go"--I expected it to be hard. I was actually scared to choose it because I had a feeling it would be the most challenging word I've focused on yet. I figured I would have to learn a lot about "losing" my perceived control over things, and being ok with it. I was aware that I would need to loosen my grip on expectations I had for myself, others, and my circumstances. I prepared myself to grow in my ability to "just roll with it" and not have to know all the plans, all the time. But what I didn't expect, and what I never realized would be the hardest part of all this, was how many relationships God would call me to let go and say goodbye to; to lose; to mourn. I've touched on this before when I shared about leaving the church we had attended for over a decade. That was a loss, something I needed to let go of in order to move into the new. 

Even since then, though, God is making me aware that as I finish up this year, He's going to have me let go of even more, to say goodbye (or at least "see you later") to people, places, and things I dearly love. I wasn't ready for that. The last two years have already been filled with loss and grief and mourning as I said goodbye to both of my grandfathers, who passed away less than a year apart; I do not want to do that anymore. I don't want to process loss again. I don't want to feel that deep grief and the ache of "missing" someone I love. In spite of my deep desire not to "do grief" anymore, though, God is making it clear that it's something He has for me in this season, something He wants me to lean on Him through and allow Him to use to shape me even more into who He made me to be. Here is what I am learning about saying goodbye and letting go of relationships I care deeply about.

Make the most of every moment you do get.

I have a good friend who has taught me the importance of savoring each moment you get with someone rather than mourning the fact that you have to say goodbye soon. Sometimes I get so caught up in realizing how much I will miss someone that I forget to enjoy them while I still have them! It's so important not to get so focused on the fact that you are losing a relationship (or at least facing major changes in it) that you forget to savor the gifts you still have in it right now. So be purposeful in your relationships. Go on adventures; spend time together; give as many hugs as you can; take pictures; laugh together. Fill up your bucket of sweet memories so that you have a deep well to draw from later on and can have the peace and gratitude of knowing you made the most of your time together.

"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time..." (Ephesians 5:15-16)

Rather than being angry that something is ending, focus on being thankful for the time you had. 

It's so easy to fall into the trap of anger and bitterness over losing something or someone we love, whether that is from a death, a move, or a break in the relationship. It's hard to let go of things or people that have meant a lot to us, and much like a child who throws a tantrum over needing to let go of an old, broken (but still loved) toy, we can throw our own version of a temper tantrum when God says it's time to say goodbye. "But that's not fair! Why would you allow that? Why did you even let me grow so attached if you were just going to take it away?" Rather than focusing on the fact that we can't have this anymore, though, we can try to shift our perspective to remembering all of the good we enjoyed and thanking God for that. We are not promised any set amount of time with any person, group, or relationship, so whatever we are given is a gift from God to be cherished and enjoyed. It can still be very painful to think back on all of the good this person brought to us and to realize we can't have that anymore, but I believe it still protects against bitterness. It is actually physiologically impossible to be thankful and bitter at the same time, so when you find yourself falling into anger or bitterness, strive to dwell on everything you were thankful for with this relationship and praise God for that.

"I thank my God every time I remember you." (Philippians 1:3)

Look to God as your Comfort, and then share His comfort with others

Nobody knows the pain of goodbyes like our wonderful Savior. Jesus faced every kind of goodbye you can imagine: People He loved died; He was abandoned by His closest followers when He needed them most; He was betrayed by someone who promised he would always be there for Him. Jesus knows your pain, no matter what kind of goodbye you are facing, so turn to Him. Share your anger, hurt, confusion, and sense of abandonment; He felt all of those things Himself and is the best confidant and comforter you could hope for. And once you are beyond the initial grief and loss, you will be able to help others in their own seasons of loss.
 In this time of goodbyes and letting go of so many people I love, I have found God to be so faithful and loving in His comfort. While I would much rather just not have to face goodbyes at all, I can see that God is using it to help me grow closer to Him, and I also know that it will help me to be able to minister to others who are saying their own goodbyes.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too." (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

I think the reason goodbyes are so painful and difficult is because they were never what God intended. When He created the world, He planned for everyone to be together with Him, enjoying sweet fellowship for all Eternity. When sin entered the world, it brought with it separation from God, as well as every kind of goodbye we now face with other relationships. What amazing comfort it is, though, to realize that we never have to say goodbye to fellow believers forever. Not even death can permanently separate us from our brothers and sisters in Christ! We may not get to see some of them anymore on this side of Heaven, or have a restored relationship that has been broken, but can you imagine the beautiful and amazing reunion we will experience later? And when that happens, we will never, ever have to say goodbye again. And that, my friends, is something worth holding on to even as we learn to let go here on earth.