10 Lessons Learned in 10 Years of Marriage

Last week my hubby and I celebrated a full decade of marriage. I still can't believe we have shared 10 years together! It's an exciting milestone, for sure, and one we took full advantage of with a fun just-for-us trip: 5 days of being "just us" instead of Mommy and Daddy, and doing all of the things we can't do with kids right now (everything from a starlight canoe ride, to cave exploring, to riding river rapids). It was a terrific and refreshing time, and I am so thankful that we were able to celebrate together! 

Hitting a milestone like this often brings about reminiscing and thinking back on all that we have been through together and everything we have learned, and I thought I would share 10 things I have learned after a decade of marriage. 

1. Keep God at the Center.  Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." (NIV) The most vital thing in our marriage has been keeping God as that "third strand" in our relationship. During times when we would not have been able to stick together on our own, He has been the one to hold us together and keep us strong. Having a shared faith and walking together to develop relationships with God has been such a blessing in our marriage, and remembering that our relationship is meant to portray the love between Christ and His church has given us a bigger purpose than just being happy together. 

2. Be Best Friends. Marriage isn't just a romantic relationship; it's a deep, intimate friendship. I can say without any hesitation that Jed is my very best friend. I have the most fun with him; there is nobody I'd rather spend time with; and he is the main person I know I can be myself with and still be loved and accepted. Developing a true friendship with each other has been one of my favorite parts of our marriage. We have special shows that we only watch together (and then quote to each other later on and have inside jokes with); we read classic books aloud (and have finished over 20 so far!); we even play video games together sometimes! Find some special things to do to develop companionship and camaraderie in your marriage and then enjoy the sweet friendship that results.

3. Divorce is Not an Option. Early in our engagement, while working through premarital counseling and workbooks, we read that it is wise to just resolve to not let divorce be an option in your marriage. Too many times marriages fall apart or are damaged by one or the other threatening to leave (and usually not for a solid reason), and having that threat hanging over your relationship hinders intimacy and openness. If you go into the marriage knowing that it is truly forever, not something that you can end for just any reason, it builds a security and assurance that allows real trust and relationship to flourish.

PLEASE NOTE: There is absolutely no judgement from me towards those that have divorced or have chosen to separate from their spouses. I know there are circumstances that force people to make the difficult decision to be apart from their spouse, whether temporarily or permanently, and my heart aches for those who face that. I am referring to the flippant, careless attitude of "well, if I change my mind later there's always divorce." Marriage should not be entered into lightly, with the thought that it can be ended if it isn't convenient anymore. God intended it to be for a lifetime, and ignoring that blueprint leads to deep heartache and grief.

4. Don't be Afraid of Conflict. I have always struggled in this area, and am still growing in it. It is hard to think of conflict as something that can be healthy and good for a relationship since it can bring up a lot of hurt and anger, but holding those emotions in just so you can avoid an argument is more detrimental than just hashing things out. There have been so many times that I have tried to ignore a problem or "get over" hurt feelings without working through it with Jed, and it always ends up doing more damage than the original issue! In fact, when I finally do share with him, it inevitably ends up that he was completely unaware of the problem, apologizes, and works to fix things. Give your spouse credit and share your heart, even if you think it will lead to conflict. It's always better to work through things together than to hold it all inside.

5. Remember You Are on the Same Team. When conflict does arise, it is so easy to forget this simple truth: you are on the same team. You and your spouse are for each other, even when it doesn't feel like it. Ultimately, you are not actually battling your spouse; you are battling something far deeper. Ephesians 6:12 reminds us, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Your ultimate enemy, Satan, hates marriage because it is something that God planned and that brings honor to Him; he does not want marriages to succeed! He will use anything and everything to add division to your relationship: irritation, selfishness, jealousy, feeling unappreciated, etc. Yes, your spouse is a sinful and fallen human, and yes they will mess up and hurt you; the real, core issue, though, is that Satan wants you to use that as an excuse to grow apart from each other. Don't let him win. Remind yourself that you are together in this whole thing, and do what it takes to work through it and win the battle.

6. Even Though You are "One", You Can't Read Each Other's Minds! Even after being married for 10 years, Jed and I still miss each other's cues and can't always figure out what the other person needs. Now, we have gotten better at it, and don't have to be quite as detailed in explaining what it is we want, but it still isn't fair for me to expect him to read my mind, and vice versa. Be ok with having to explain, in detail, what you want from your spouse. I think that a lot of conflict and marital problems come from having expectations that we don't share with each other! Don't be shy; tell your spouse what you want, whether that is more help around the house, a listening ear instead of a solution to your problem, or more frequent date nights. Give each other the best chance for success; don't assume your spouse already knows what you want/need.

7. Prioritize Each Other. Early on in marriage, it is easy to keep your spouse a high priority. The feeling of being in love and enjoying time together pretty much guarantees that you won't neglect each other. As time goes on, though, and you add more responsibilities in (kids, work, a house) it gets trickier and trickier to keep priorities straight. Be purposeful in letting your spouse know they matter to you. Set aside times to be together, just you, even if that means sneaking out to the back yard while the kids are in bed. When your spouse is talking, put your phone/computer/book down and give him/her your full attention. When you have been apart, make it a point to greet your spouse first and let him/her know you missed them. Your spouse is meant to be your closest earthly relationship; make sure they know that they hold first place in your heart.

8. Strive to "Out-Love" Each Other. Something that can really make a difference in having a mediocre marriage versus a truly enjoyable one is to be purposeful in blessing your spouse. Something I've started doing that is really fun is to have a goal of blessing Jed in some special way at least once a week. That can be as simple as grabbing his favorite candy bar while I'm out grocery shopping, or leaving a love note in his suitcase when he is leaving on a business trip. Hebrews 10:24 (The Living Bible translation) says, "In response to all he has done for us, let us outdo each other in being helpful and kind to each other and in doing good." Can you imagine what kind of marriages we would have if we all lived like that?

9. Provide Space. As important as it is to have quality time together in a marriage, I also believe it is very important to give each other the gift of time alone. Each of you are your own people, with unique interests and hobbies, and it isn't realistic for most people to be able to be part of every single pastime their spouse has. Being purposeful in setting aside time for each other to pursue passions and be alone or with outside friends is a gift that has been a true blessing in our marriage.

10. Embrace "Gritty" Love. As time goes on, the "feel good" love of early marriage diminishes, but something even better takes its place. When we were first married, Jed and I were completely "in love", that feeling of euphoria and bliss that comes with finally finding "the one" and realizing you get to spend the rest of your lives together. As we have walked through life together, that kind of love, while still showing up once in a while, is not the main feeling we share. We have walked through a lot together--having children, changing jobs, moving, losing loved ones--and those incidents have brought out new traits in each of us (some of which aren't exactly positive!) Enduring these things together, though, and seeing the ugliest parts of each other has matured and refined that early love into something even more beautiful and rare: real, gritty, unbiased love. I used to feel sad when I thought back to that "in-love" season we shared, thinking that we were somehow not as close as we were then. In reality, though, we have developed more intimacy and closeness, and a more "real" love, in these later years than we could even think about back when we didn't know each other as well. It's exciting and wonderful to think that in the coming years and decades, that "gritty" love is just going to get stronger. What a gift!

When I think back on the last 10 years of my life with Jed, I am just so humbled and overwhelmed by all that God has done! We have learned, grown, and matured together, and have been abundantly blessed with a truly beautiful life. I can't wait to see what adventures are in store for the next decade and beyond, and I hope that all of you are blessed with that same excitement in your marriages.