For Such a Time As This

The world feels pretty crazy right now, huh? In just the last week, it feels like all of life has suddenly shifted in huge ways and gone completely topsy-turvy. As I’ve been processing and praying through all of this, here are some things I’m trying to remember right now, and that I thought might be helpful to you all as well. 

1. God knew about this. He isn’t surprised, and He isn’t worried. He has everything under control, even if everything feels out of our control.

I think one of the hardest parts about this whole thing is the feeling that everything is falling apart. Events are cancelled left and right; stores are empty (I mean, we can’t even get toilet paper for goodness’ sake); things we took for granted aren't easily available; and there is just a lot of fear and panic happening. In spite of that though, the truth is that God is still in control. He isn’t shocked by this thing. He isn’t up in Heaven wondering how we will ever make it through. He’s got this. Rather than looking around at all of the chaos and fear, let’s look to Him and remember Who He is:

• He is our Provider, and promises to give us what we need. We aren’t going to go without; He will take care of us.
  ~Matthew 6:26. "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?"
  ~Philippians 4:19. "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
  
• He loves us more than we will ever be able to grasp, and nothing can take that away or change it!
  ~Romans 8:37-39 “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, nor heavenly rulers, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
  ~Isaiah 54:10 “10 Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you.”
  
• He has good plans for us, and nothing that happens in this world will change them.
  ~Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
  ~Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

2. You have power to decide how this season will go for you

As helpless as you may feel right now, you actually have a pretty significant amount of power: you have the power to choose how this time will be for you. While we can’t always control our outward circumstances (kids home from school, enforced/strongly encouraged quarantines, stores out of our favorite food, etc), we can control how we respond to them. 

• We can decide to live in fear, worrying about how we will be taken care of; we can be grouchy and irritable, upset that our plans are “ruined” and we have to do what we don’t like; we can focus on the disappointments and stresses, and complain about them...
• OR, we can strive to search for the good (even if it might be hard to find); we can purposely put our faith into practice and live like we really believe that God has got us; we can pray for eyes that are open to every single blessing, and take advantage of the opportunities these changes have brought (maybe there’s extra family time, a chance to build relationships more, more time to work on projects that would have never gotten done?)...

Please don’t read me wrong here; I’m not saying this isn’t hard. I have had many moments of feeling fearful, overwhelmed, and grouchy, and have definitely muttered some complaints under my breath and shed a tear or two (ok, more)! This IS hard. This is different and uncertain and requires an entire overhaul of life for some of us! Instead of just complaining about the hard things, though, and plodding through this season in survival mode, what if we tried to be purposeful? Don’t ignore the hard things, but see what can be done about them. List out the biggest struggles right now and see what would help make it easier. For example, my biggest thing is with the need for social distancing. I am going to sincerely miss other people (I already do, and it's only been a few days!) I’m used to having daily interaction with others that I love, and the thought of going weeks without that literally makes me cry! So to remedy that, some friends and I are planning to do some “digital” coffee dates. We are going to find a quiet hour, get a yummy drink, and use FaceTime or Skype to just chat together and reconnect (if you want in on that, let me know! I'll do all the digital coffee dates in all the land!) We are so, so blessed to have the different options available to us in this day and age, Guys! So let’s be creative, use our resources, and make the best of this thing, not just barely survive it.

3. We were placed in this time for a reason.

“And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14) Ok, so we haven’t exactly been put into a royal position for this season, but we have been put in this place, at this time, for a purpose. God knew you would be here at exactly this time, and it was not on accident. What can you do, now, to take advantage of this season? How can you encourage, help, and shine for Jesus? How can you use your gifts, strengths, and resources to lift up, bring a smile, or ease a burden? There are so many people that need those things right now! Think of this as a mission opportunity, Guys! People that would otherwise have never gotten a glimpse of Jesus’ love in action might get to finally see that, thanks to Him using YOU. 

• Do you have some extra finances from not using gas or spending money out and about? Use them to buy a giftcard from a struggling business and send it to a friend!
• Do you have a good sense of humor? Find some funny videos or memes and text them to someone who needs a boost. 
• Are you good at writing? Send some encouraging cards to others who are lonely. 
• Do you have this whole “new routine and schedule” thing down? Share your ideas with others who are overwhelmed at the thought of somehow managing to work from home, or having their kids home from school

The possibilities are seriously endless. Imagine how awesome it would be to look back on this season and be able to see that God used YOU in a national crisis to shine His light well. “Well done, good and faithful servant”, indeed.

In some ways this seems like it’s going to last forever, and that can be so overwhelming. In the grand scheme of things, though, this is not long at all. We will get back to normal, even if it’s a new normal. It won’t always feel this hard. In the meantime, let’s strive to tackle this thing well, trusting our awesome Heavenly Father, enjoying the opportunities, and shining for Him in all we do. Love you all!!

At the Command of the LORD

Numbers 9:22-23 "Whether it was two days, or a month, or a longer time that the cloud remained over the tabernacle, abiding there, the people of Israel remained in camp and did not set out, but when it lifted they set out. At the command of the LORD they camped, and at the command of the LORD they set out. They kept the charge of the LORD, at the command of the LORD by Moses."

"At the command of the LORD they camped, and at the command of the LORD they set out." I love this example of following God's leading. He used the form of a cloud hovering over the tent of meeting to let the people know when He wanted them to stay in camp, and when He wanted them to move to the next spot, and the Israelites did not move from their camp until they saw the cloud move--no matter how long it took or how short the rest was. I don't know about you guys, but this is exactly how I want to live my life. When God says to stay, I want to stay put, and when He says to move ahead, I want to obey. I think so many of us have the desire to do this, right? So what stops us? I think there are a few things that come against us and make this desire harder to carry out.

When God tells us to stay put...

• We get bored. We want a change of pace and scenery; we want something different to happen; we want some kind of excitement and to not be stuck in the drudgery of everyday life. I think it's almost like getting cabin fever, but with life's circumstances.
  
• We get discouraged. We are tired of the same battles, the same trials, the same pain. We are desperate to get to a different season of life and to move ahead from the things that never seem to get any better. We might question why we still haven't learned what we need to, and start to feel defeated and hopeless.
  
• We get antsy. Maybe we know what God wants us to do, and we have a vision and goal from Him that we just can't wait to get started on! Waiting where we are at when we know what "could be" is torture; it's really challenging to stay faithful in the current task when the new one seems so much better.

On the other hand, when God tells us to move on...

• We feel afraid. We don't know what is coming up, and things feel so secure and safe here. We are content and in a good place; why would we want to shake that up? What if doing that means we "ruin everything", or the things up ahead aren't as good as what we already have?
  
• We feel grief over leaving things behind. Maybe moving ahead means letting go of people, places, or things that mean a great deal to us, and it's intensely painful to even think of losing them! We don't understand how God could have given us such good things, only to ask us to leave them now.
  
• We are exhausted. It feels like we've already had to journey so, so much, and the thought of moving into more growth, work, and spiritual "travel" is overwhelming. We are so weary we can't fathom taking another step in faith. We just want to sit down where we are at and rest!

I think God often calls us to simultaneously stay put and also to move ahead in different arenas of life. Maybe He says to stay where you're at when it comes to a challenging relationship (that you'd much rather just give up and move on from), but He is calling you to move ahead into new opportunities and work in your ministry or job. Or maybe He wants you to be content in the teeny little house you are living in (when a bigger, better home is calling your name!), but He says it's time to release those old habits that are keeping you back from fully following Him. We need to have every facet of our lives surrendered to Him and be ready to either go or stay as He calls us.The question is, how do we let God lead and follow Him without trying to go ahead of Him or lag behind so He has to drag us forward? The answer depends on whether our struggle is with the staying put or the moving ahead.

The Key to Obeying God in Staying Put is Contentment

I think the thing to focus on when it comes to staying put is contentment.
God has us "camped" where we are for a reason, no matter how much it feels like drudgery, and how much better things up ahead seem to be. There are lessons to learn, relationships to build, work to accomplish, and even blessings to experience right where we are, and we will really miss out if we are too busy pining for what's next to be aware of our "here and now". Instead of complaining about how long we have to stay camped out, what if we instead try to find contentment in where we are at? I'm not at all saying this will be easy; in fact, it probably isn't even possible in our own strength. Even Paul mentions how impossible it can be to find contentment in every situation, but he also tells us in Philippians 4:12-13 what the key is to doing it:

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." We need to seek God to give us the grace and ability we need to stay content for as long as He calls us to stay put.

The Key to Obeying God in Moving Forward is Faith

So what about when it's time to stop "camping out" and instead start to move forward into new things? Well, I think the key in this arena is faith. "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1. We must have faith that when God calls us forward, He will take care of us, provide for us, and protect us; that He has better things ahead for us than anything we leave behind; and that He will equip and strengthen us for the journey, no matter how weary we may feel. 

None of this is easy, Guys, but I'm finding that very few things in a life poured out to Christ and devoted to His will really are! This is why we cannot rely on ourselves AT ALL. Everything that we do must be done through the power of God at work within us. It is only in relying on Him and asking Him to equip us that we will have victory, whether we are staying put, or moving into the new adventures He has in store for us. My challenge to you is to really reflect on where God has you and what He is calling you to do now. Does He want you to stay put and learn the practice of contentment? Or is He calling out a growth of faith so that you can move ahead into the unknown with Him? I hope that as you rely on Him, you can follow through with obedience in either situation. 

Tending Relationships

Recently I was talking to a wise friend (who also happens to be my amazing enneagram coach), and we were discussing relationships. Relationships are definitely a central focus for me and something I care very much about, so I really appreciated her walking me through things and helping me gain more understanding. We ended up coming up with a really neat visual that helped me grasp some relationship dynamics better, and I think it could be very helpful to others, so I want to share it here.

The picture my coach and I discussed is of each of our relationships being like a little plant. Starting a new relationship is like planting a seed in a plot between two people, and in a healthy relationship, each person tends the little seed: every act of kindness, purposeful time spent together, loving word, offer of help, etc. is like "watering" it, and with time and care, the seed sprouts and becomes a lovely little plant. The more attention and care their bond is given, the bigger and stronger it grows. Each of us is given a garden of these relationships by God and is called to tend them and help them grow. In a perfect world, we would be able to do this with no problems, and would all end up with beautifully full and colorful gardens. As we know, though, we don't live in a perfect world. We have struggles and pain to deal with; little (or big) "weeds", that make tending relationships challenging. Here are some of the things that have prevented me from successfully tending my relationships, and what God has been teaching me to do instead.

1. Conflict and Communication

Every relationship has conflict, and the way that we handle it will either help or hinder the bond we hold. Ever since sin entered the world, there have been things that cause damage to our relationship plants. Sometimes it's just a small thing, similar to when a scorch mark shows up on a plant, or a leaf falls off; other times, serious harm is done that threatens the life of the entire relationship. At times  this damage happens on both people's side of the plant and is pretty obvious to both parties, and other times it isn't visible to one person...unless the other shows them. Communicating hurt or offense to the other person is like holding up a mirror for them to see our side of the plant; unless we do this, it isn't fair for us to assume that the other person sees the damage, and then get upset when they continue on as if nothing is wrong (after all, to them the plant probably looks great and nothing is wrong!) 
Now, you don't need to be aggressive or mean about sharing your view; taking the mirror and smacking the other person with it is just going to do more damage to the relationship! However, not saying anything at all would be like trying to glue the leaf back on or hide the little scorch mark on your own, and it can lead to worse damage later. Eventually the hidden pain begins to rot the plant from the inside out, until the poor little thing begins to wilt and die, and the other person is left wondering how on earth this happened.
I can't even count the number of times I've slipped up in this area, choosing to hold back from sharing my hurt feelings or staying silent because I didn't want to "start anything." I'm really trying to grow in this area, though, and to realize that it is much, much harder to heal a relationship plant that has rot throughout it, and it is so much better to just alert the other person early on so they can help heal the "little" issues. 

2. Recognizing Poisonous or Fake Plants

We live in a fallen world, with fallen people, so not all of the relationships we may seek to have are going to be the best for us. Some of these are pretty obvious--abusive relationships, people that cause you to compromise your faith or morals, or those involved in illegal activities are very obviously "poisonous" plants that we need to use caution with. Sometimes God will still call us to a relationship with some of these people in order to help draw them to Him, but we have to be so, so careful to not wind up being "poisoned". When a gardener deals with a dangerous plant of some kind, he often wears gloves and other protective gear, and is very careful in how he handles it. This is how we should view these relationships, too: either keep a safe distance away, or handle with great care and stay alert so we don't get poisoned.
Another issue that might be less obvious is with "fake plants". These relationships require extra discernment and caution because they hold a risk of using up our limited time, energy, and relationship resources. Some examples of these would be relationships that are based out of guilt rather than love; relationships in which one or both people are "using" the other and are focused on what they can get rather than mutual care; or those in which one person values the relationship considerably more than the other and does the majority of the tending. In each of these examples, the relationship is not truly a living plant; instead, it is simply a fabric flower that one of us stuck in the dirt to hide the fact that the seed we so desperately wanted to see bloom never even took root. It can be very hard and even painful to realize that a relationship is false. Still, how much better is it to see the truth so that we can stop pouring so much into it, and can reserve our energy, affection, and time for the other real and meaningful relationship plants we have? And who knows: our God is an amazing God who brings life out of what once was dead; He absolutely has the ability to change these relationships into something beautiful and thriving! So don't lose hope in these relationships; just seek to have wisdom and caution in tending them.

3. Accepting What Others Can Give

Something I want to clarify about that last example of "fake plants" is that there are different seasons in relationships where this one-sided care can happen for a while, and that's normal; it isn't realistic or fair for us to expect that our relationship will always be the main focus for the other person. After all, we each have an entire garden of relationships to care for! We also should strive to remember that just because somebody isn't pouring the same amount into the relationship does not mean they aren't caring for it. God has designed each of us with different gifts and abilities, and some of us have been blessed with large "watering cans" by God, so we have the capacity and capability to pour more love and care on others, and are able to use those gifts to help our relationships thrive. Other people, though, may have not been given the same "size" watering can. They may be pouring all they can into the relationship, but what they pour out does not equal the same as what we do because they didn't have the same amount to give in the first place.  Or, maybe they aren't using the same tools and techniques as us in their care of the relationship (an example of this would be using a different love language than we actually have). This does not mean they don't care about the relationship, at all; they are doing their best to tend the plant with the tools they have. For us to get upset and angry and pull our own care and love away from the plant because the other person isn't "doing things right" is not only unfair, but will greatly damage the relationship. Rather than holding expectations for how our relationship "should be" tended by each person, let's try to look for all of the ways the other person is caring and working with us to help the relationship flourish. 

4. Remembering to Care for All of the Plants, Not Just One 

So much damage can happen when we focus all of our time and attention on one "plant", and allow the others in our relationship garden to wilt. This is something I've had to learn a few different times, as sometimes my desire to love and serve others can cause a bit of "tunnel vision" and lead to me hyper-focus on just one person. God gives us multiple relationships to tend and care for, the most important of which is the one we have with Him, and each of us has a limited amount of love, time, energy, and attention to pour out of our little watering cans. I don't think God ever intended for us to limit our relationship-tending to just one person; it can lead to unhealthy attachments, codependency, and even idolatry if we allow any relationship to take precedence over the one we have with our Heavenly Father. I have had to learn this personally, and it is a lesson that is so very important to grasp! People were not created to be our "all-in-all", nor do I think any person can handle receiving our all for any great length of time. It isn't healthy or honoring to God when we choose to dump all of our limited resources onto one relationship. This will lead the other relationships in our life to dry up and wither; that one relationship has a real danger of getting too much water and drowning; and we can be left with an entire plot of suffering plants instead of a bountiful garden to enjoy.
Now, of course there are seasons when a certain relationship needs a little more love and attention; just like in real gardening, sometimes we spend a little more TLC on a specific plant, for whatever reason. We need wisdom and discernment to know how much to give to each individual "plant" and how to have balance in tending the many relationships in our lives, and thankfully that's something I know God loves to help us with. This leads me to my final point, and probably the biggest lesson I want to keep in mind with my relationships.

5. Seeking Help from the Perfect Relationship Gardener

There are several Bible verses that describe God as a Gardener, and it is such a relief and blessing to remember that He is the Creator of every relationship we have, and He knows exactly what we need to do in order to help each one flourish. He doesn't give us these little gardens of relationships and then leave us to figure out how to make it all grow; He is right there with us, waiting for us to ask Him where and when to plant each seed, what kind of soil to use, how much water to pour out...He has all the wisdom and skill we need to succeed in relationship "gardening", and He is happy to share it with us.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." (James 1:5)

"'Give me the wisdom and knowledge to lead [your people] properly, for who could possibly govern this great people of yours?' God said to Solomon, 'Because your greatest desire is to help your people, and you did not ask for wealth, riches, fame, or even the death of your enemies or a long life, but rather you asked for wisdom and knowledge to properly govern my people—I will certainly give you the wisdom and knowledge you requested." (2 Chronicles 1:10-12)

There is a lot to being a good relationship gardener, isn't there? But how wonderful it is when we can step back and see the beautiful garden of relationships that God has blessed us with and helped us to tend! Let's seek to care for each plant He gives us to the best of our abilities.

***I want to take a moment to talk a little more about my friend and enneagram coach who inspired this post, since it was my discussion with her that helped me understand some of the relationship struggles I have and how to overcome them. Kim Eddy (aka The Christian Enneagram Coach) is a wonderful resource for those who want to learn more about the "why" behind what they do and how to grow by using a gospel-focused and Jesus-centered version of the popular personality profiling system called the enneagram. Kim is a life coach who truly cares for others and is passionately devoted to Jesus Christ and keeping Him the center of everything. I've been so blessed by her coaching, Instragram page,  and podcast; and have even gotten the exciting honor of being a founding member of her new Christian Enneagram Club group. It's so exciting to me how God has used what I've learned about the enneagram as a tool in my life, revealing my motives, strengths, weaknesses, and things I didn't even realize were going on in my heart to help me grow more into His likeness. If any of you are interested in learning more, you can visit Coach Kim's Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/christianenneagram.coach/. She also has a podcast called The Christian Enneagram Podcast, and her coaching website is https://www.christianenneagram.coach/aboutkim. I definitely recommend her, and have appreciated her insight and wisdom ( and the fact that she always seeks to keep the Gospel "the main thing").***

Laborers of the Harvest

"The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore, pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest." ~Luke 10:2

This is one of those verses that I have read many, many times, but only recently understood more. Within the last week, God opened my eyes more to the truths in this passage, and they had such an impact on me that I want to share them with you all. Here are some things God has been speaking to my heart about His sending laborers into His harvest. 

1. We are all told to pray for God to send laborers.

Even if we ourselves don't feel the call to missions, it is still something so near to God's heart and is something He wants us involved in. He tells us to pray, and not just that but to pray earnestly; this implies that we should genuinely care, that we ache for people to go out into the world to share His love with others, that we have a big enough worldview to realize that our "here and now" is not all there is to life and that there are so many other people, places, and lives that desperately need Jesus. 

Before I went on my first mission trip, I didn't really "get" this. Yes, I supported missionaries. Yes, I prayed and gave money and listened to their messages. Yet it wasn't until I got to be a short-term missionary myself, and my eyes were opened to the world in an all-new way, that I understood this at a heart-level. Ever since I got home from Ecuador, I have felt a tugging on my heart from God. Being in a different country, meeting new people, and hearing God's truth shared in another language completely altered my whole worldview. I have a new heart for the world, and for missions, and for those sent out by God. I have a new understanding of God loving every tribe, tongue, and nation, and a deeper longing to see the Great Commission fulfilled. In the weeks since I've gotten back, God has done a lot to speak to my heart, specifically about missions and sharing His love with the nations, and I understand now more than ever how much it really matters and how much He cares.

2. There is often personal cost to this prayer.

I never really fully understood the real "cost" to this prayer until this last year as I began to be called to let go of people I love who are being sent into the harvest. As of this writing I have one friend and her family that are actively working towards being overseas missionaries; a wonderful church leader and his sweet family who have stated their intention to begin this process in the next few months; and a very dear friend who hasn't yet received the details of God's plans, but has a very deep, strong calling to be a missionary that her husband and children are on board with, and I know they will be on that path soon. On top of that, I have other sweet friends that have been missionaries to other countries for a while now, and that we get to support. All of this is a good thing, something I am so honored and blessed to be a part of.

And...it hurts. As a fallen human who loves others and aches at separation, it hurts. 

Sometimes I am taken aback by the level of grief I feel when I consider the truth of what sending laborers means. It means that we are often separated from those we dearly love while on this earth. It means being willing to let go of even our most cherished family and friends if they receive the call to go. It means we don't get to enjoy some of our favorite people on a regular basis in this lifetime. Guys, that is such an ache, both for those precious laborers who leave behind everyone they love, and for those same loved ones who willingly release them. 

And yet...

3. When He answers this prayer, it is cause to rejoice!

The separation that brings that agonizing ache is literally an answer to prayer. "Pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers." That's what He is doing; He is sending out laborers, and those laborers happen to be those we love. Oh, what a quandary! Did we mean those prayers? Did we really want Him to send out laborers? Or did we add stipulations to it?

"Send laborers, Lord...as long as it isn't someone I personally know."

 "Send people out, Lord...just don't let it mean pain for me."

Isn't that kind of what it boils down to? Oh, guys. I am wrestling with this so much. I love my people. Nothing makes me happier than spending time with my friends and family and enjoying sweet fellowship with the amazing people God has given me. To be separated from them is agony; I'm crying even as I write this! So please don't think that I say any of these things flippantly or from some kind of emotional distance. This is not an easy task.

It comes down to this, though: God is answering our prayers when He sends "our" people out (for really, they are His, and not ours, right?) I don't think there's any way we can flip a switch and move totally into praise for this; I think that instead, this is one of those "sacrifice of praise" opportunities. It hurts horribly to face separation, but we choose to still praise God in the midst of that missing and ache because we know that ultimately, this is an answer to prayer. This is something that brings Him glory. This is something that leads to eternal good for so, so many. And bearing that in mind helps us to see that His answer to this prayer is cause to rejoice, even as we also walk through the grief of loss.

4. We are all called to a harvest.

I will confess that getting back from that mission trip and then being faced with the "sending" of so many people I love has thrown my heart into some turmoil. At one of our church services a few weeks ago, I found myself kneeling at the altar, absolutely weeping with the combined ache of releasing loved ones into ministry, and confusion/grief over what God's call was for me myself. Part of me felt almost angry at being consistently called to be a "sender" and to watch others become laborers sent out into the harvest when I also longed to do something for Him; I was tired of being on the sidelines, so to speak. 

"Well do you want to be sent?" God seemed to ask.

 "I don't know! I don't know what I want. I don't know what you want!"

He didn't have much of an answer for me. All I sensed Him say was, "Wait, and pray." 

I don't know what God has in store for me yet. I don't know what He wants me to do about this ache I carry for the nations now. Does He want me to become one of those laborers sent  into foreign land? Does He want me to stay here but make short-term trips an ongoing part of my life? Does He want me to simply continue sending beautiful laborers out and support them with prayer and finances while I continue ministry here at home? I don't have those answers yet. All I know is that God wants me to be open, willing, and ready.

I have been reading the devotional book "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers, and this week I was struck by one of the readings. It was based on Isaiah 6:8, "'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' Then said I, 'Here am I; send me." Chambers goes on to explain:

"The call of God is not for the special few, it is for everyone. Whether or not I hear God's call depends upon the state of my ears; and what I hear depends upon my disposition. 'Many are called but few are chosen,' that is, few prove themselves the chosen ones. The chosen ones are those who have come into a relationship with God through Jesus Christ whereby their disposition has been altered and their ears unstopped, and they hear the still small voice questioning all the time, 'Who will go for us?' It is not a question of God singling out a man and saying, 'Now, you go.'....If we let the Spirit of God bring us face to face with God, we too shall hear something akin to what Isaiah heard, the still small voice of God; and in perfect freedom will say, 'Here am I; send me.'"

God has called all of us to a harvest of some kind, and we don't always have to go overseas to find it. I think it's so important to keep something of a "missionary mindset" about us wherever we are called--even here in "normal" life. Not everyone will be called to leave everything behind and move to another country, but that doesn't mean we can't have the willingness and courage to tell God, "Here I am, send me: to whoever, wherever, and whatever you want."

"Here I Am; Send Me"

I am called by God, I know not where

Nor what His plans may be

Yet this response my heart still bears:

"Here I am, send me."

The special work He's called me to

I have yet to fully see

Yet my response, forever true:

"Here I am, send me."

Whether His call is close to home,

Or 'cross the raging sea

My resolution, this alone:

"Here I am, send me."

Perhaps He'll say, "Go share with all,"

or "Just these two or three."

My heart longs to obey His call.

"Here I am, send me."

His call may be to far away

To people not set free

Or perhaps His will may be to stay;

Still, "Here I am, send me."

If He says, "Your ministry is here

To friends and family."My response will be to serve those dear.

"Here I am, send me."

In work and serving where I am

Or in a new country

I'm open to His loving plan

"Here I am, send me."

I know the plans He has are best

And He has great love for me

That's how I say, with trust and rest

"Here I am, send me."

So through my life, in all my days

'Til my Savior's face I seeI'll serve my King in all my ways.

"Here I am, send me."

~Mary Rabe~

Ecuador, Part 4: I Know You

It's hard to pick one thing that was the most impacting for me on my trip to Ecuador, but if I had to choose one I think it would be the very last thing that God allowed me to learn in a deeper way there. In fact, it left such an impression on me that it shaped the focus I chose to have for the coming New Year. That final loving lesson from my Heavenly Father was...

3.  I Know You

On our last few days in Cuenca, God absolutely overwhelmed me with the simple knowledge that He knows me, deeply and personally, and that was the ongoing message as I prepared to leave this beautiful country and sweet people I had fallen in love with.
To explain the depth of this lesson best, I have to do a little more "boasting in my weaknesses" first. The sixth day of our trip was probably the hardest day I experienced during the actual mission work itself. On this day we were hosting a medical clinic for the people in a small town called Quingeo, and this little spot was my first experience with "third-world country" life. I was overcome by the number of people there were who needed help, the kind of situations they were living in, and the simple fact that I could not do anything at all to help--not even really communicate with them. I had started the morning playing games with the kids and doing what I could to keep them busy, but after a few hours I found myself once again without anything to do, and felt the familiar feeling of anxiety stealing over me as a result. I sat on the steps behind the triage tables and tried to settle myself down. I couldn’t even put to words what was happening; all I knew was that I was suddenly terrified to go out among the people, unable to understand them or communicate with them, surrounded by hurting people I couldn’t help or even reassure. 

Playing Duck-Duck-Goose with the sweet kids at the clinic

Meghan saw me sitting there and came over to check in.

 “Hey. Are you praying? Or being anxious?” 

I contemplated my answer for a moment, and then replied, “Both.” 

“Well, stop being anxious. You gotta let the Holy Spirit take over and do His thing!”

 “You gotta start praying for that to happen, then, cuz I need it,” I muttered. 

“YOU go pray. Go walk out there and pray for the people.”

The thought of leaving those steps and having to be out among the people again made my anxiety skyrocket. I felt the tears coming, which only made the anxiety worse, so I just shook my head and simply whispered, “I can’t.” 

“Yes you can. I’m not asking you to talk to anyone. Just go out there, walk in the park around the trees, and pray.”

 In spite of my best efforts, the tears started to fall. I was completely mortified but all I could do was whimper, “I can’t communicate. I don’t want to do this.”

This was pretty much exactly what I had been afraid would happen: being too anxious, weak, and afraid to do something I was asked to do. I couldn’t believe it actually happened, and I felt so ashamed; I couldn't even look up, but kept my gaze fixed firmly on the ground. I was hoping that my confession of inability would mean that my team leader would just let me sit there and "wallow", but God had work to do in me with that constant anxiety of mine, and He used her to speak what I needed to hear. 

“Look, I get that sitting apart from everyone is an effective coping mechanism, but God has you here for a reason. You can’t just sit there and hole up inside of yourself and still be able to do His work. You need to make a choice. If you really need to just sit and cope for a while, then you can stay there, or even move up to the other stairs over there so no one can see you and you can be left alone for a bit. Or you can go walk out in the park away from everyone and just pray for this city. You don’t have to interact, or talk, or anything. It's up to you. What are you going to do?” 

I couldn’t even lift up my face to look at her, I was so embarrassed. I knew even then that she was completely right, though; God had sent me to that place for a purpose, even if it was "just" to pray, and I was not fulfilling that calling by sitting on those stairs. Finally I tearfully mumbled, “Ok. I’ll go pray.”

“Ok then. Do you need a lollipop? I'd give you chocolate but all I've got for a sugar fix is the dum-dums for the kids.”

I laughed a bit through my tears and nodded yes, so she pulled me up to stand, gave me a big hug and a lollipop, and then sent me out to go pray. I weaved my way through the crowds of people, still staring at the ground so nobody could see I'd been crying, and made it into the relative peace and quiet of the park.
Honestly, I spent the first half hour of my time in that park just crying and praying through my shame at falling apart like I had, trying to work through my thoughts and worries. Anxiety is frustrating, exhausting, and embarrassing to deal with in a normal situation, but this one really did me in, and I was very discouraged. After a while, I took out my phone to read my mission trip devotional and some Bible verses, and that gave me enough peace to be able to pray for the people I saw and the city overall. Still, I ended the day feeling rather defeated at how fear and anxiety had attacked me and seemingly won, and how at that moment it felt like that first lie Satan ever told me about this trip was somehow confirmed: “See? You ARE a liability. Look at what you did. There’s no way anyone wants you here now. You are weak and afraid and weren’t any use today.”
 

Some purple flowers I saw while walking through the park. They were a sweet little comfort from God in a hard moment.

The next morning I was once again woken up by a message from my friend. 

“I just want you to know that I’m thankful for your presence here even though yesterday was a lot more anxiety-filled. The Lord is doing big things in and through you. He’s growing you and showing you. He gave you a great big heart that aches to be able to serve Him and His people. So we go away from here and we try to get more prepared and equipped to help and we come back. We are faithful to Him and he does big stuff.” 

God knew my broken heart and the specific fears I had, down to the worry that others would regret my coming on the trip because of my anxiety. I was so thankful for that reassurance and comfort from God, and how He addressed the lies Satan whispered to my heart and reminded me of who I really am.

Just a small part of the team that put on the medical clinic

 As if that wasn't wonderful enough, God continued that sweet ministry to me at the church service we attended that morning. It was our last day of ministry, and we were going to a local church where Meghan would be sharing the message. We all filed in together just as they were praying over the service, and then we found seats as the worship began. The very first song they sang was one that I was familiar with in English, and my team and I sang along with it in our native language as the rest of the church sang in Spanish. It was so amazing to hear the beauty of two different languages singing the same praise to God. As they began to sing the next song, I noticed that my friend Anne, who was next to me and spoke fluent Spanish,  had tears in her eyes and was watching me. She leaned over and asked me, "Do you know what the words are?" I shook my head no, and she whispered that the words to the song meant, “My God is my rock and strong tower when I am afraid.”  Anne had been my roomate for the entire trip and knew all about my anxiety and how much I had struggled, especially the day before at the medical clinic. She and I were were both deeply impacted that God allowed that particular song to be a part of the service at a time when I most needed that reassuring reminder. I was blown away that He used a song spoken in Spanish, in an Ecuadorian church, to reassure me in my ongoing struggle with fear. 

Our team having tea at the church service

After Meghan shared her wonderful message with the church, we all met up in small groups to get to know each other more. We went around the circle sharing our names and telling about our families, and when I told everyone that I had three kids and homeschooled them all, the pastor of the church smiled at me and remarked that I am very brave. I laughed and said, “Thank you. Sometimes I feel more crazy than brave!”
But his response showed me again how much God knows me--more than I know myself, even. He said, “No, you are brave to come on this trip, to be so far away from your family. You are brave.”

As he said those words, they felt like more than a simple opinion, or passing remark. It was almost as if he spoke them over me, proclaiming a truth about me that I didn't know...but God did. I was a little bit taken aback, but I smiled at him and told him thank you, then sat and pondered with God for a while.
“Brave, God? Me? Didn’t we just yesterday have to deal with how fear is holding me back? Didn't you see how scared I was, and how much I let you down?”Then I remembered something I’ve told my own kids over and over about bravery: “Being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t afraid. It means that even though you are afraid, you still move ahead. You have to have fear in order to have bravery.”
Something shifted in me that day. I have always felt somehow held back by my fear, ashamed of how my anxiety shows up and showcases my weaknesses to everyone; and honestly sometimes I have used it as an excuse to not even try scary things. But I realized then and there that in reality, God has made me brave. To live with constant fear and anxiety and continue to move ahead and do things anyway, requires being brave. This isn’t anything I’ve done myself; like I said, if I had been left to myself at that medical clinic and God hadn’t used my friend to push me out of my "fear bubble", I would have stayed huddled up on the steps completely cocooned into myself and letting fear win entirely. God’s Spirit, though, equips me and enables me to move ahead in spite of feeling that fear. And that, my friends, is bravery, and is something I never knew about myself...but God did; and he used the pastor of that Ecuadorian church to share it with me and change my self-perception big time. I still struggle with anxiety, and I might always have to; it's part of living in a fallen world to have emotions and thoughts that don't always work like they were intended to. Anxiety isn't part of my identity now, though; it's just a symptom of having a broken body and living in a sinful world. My identity--who God knows I am and is teaching me more and more to live as-- is someone whom He has made brave. 

Sitting in small groups getting to know each other after the service.
 The man in the red jacket is the Ecuadorian pastor who told me I am brave.  

On our last day in Cuenca, as I came down for our last breakfast at the hotel, one of my teammates pulled me aside and asked me to sit with him. We chatted a little bit about the trip and how God was working, and then he told me he had a verse for me to take home and remember. “’He knows your frame, that you are only dust.’ [Psalm 103:14] But he works through you. Even with your weaknesses and how you struggle with fear and everything. He knows you, Kiddo. And he uses you.” I felt that that verse was a pretty amazing way to sum up the week, and resolved to do as he said and take it home with me. But God wasn't done yet.

Enjoying that awesome pumpkin spice latte!

As we were getting ready to head out for a fun day of shopping, one of my new friends, Karri, came to the hotel with something I never expected to have in Ecuador but absolutely love: a pumpkin spice latte. They do not have pumpkin in Ecuador, but Karri knew a barista there who made her own pumpkin spice syrup and went to her for her pumpkin spice latte needs. On this day, though, she wasn't in the mood to finish the drink she had hardly touched, and asked if anybody at the hotel would enjoy it. I was ecstatic. It wasn’t a huge gesture to her at all to offer me the rest, but it brought tears to my eyes to be reminded that God knows me so intimately, even little details like how much I love pumpkin spice, and brought me that little gift all the way in Ecuador.

We spent that day shopping in the city and finding sweet mementos and gifts to bring back home with us, and then enjoyed lunch and icecream with our ministry friends before saying goodbye. It was emotional and hard to have to leave these sweet people; even though it had only been a week, we had built some amazing relationships, and I knew I would truly miss them all. As we were getting ready to head to the hotel to get our suitcases and get on the bus, my friend Ed pulled me aside and said he had something to share with me. 

“You know that kids’ song ‘Jesus Loves Me This I know’? Well, lately I’ve been thinking of it as, “Jesus knows me, this I love. And I want you to take that back home with you, and remember that God knows you, and He loves you.”

Saying goodbye to our wonderful friends

 I can’t believe I was able to hold it together as well as I did. To be told very specifically the message that God knows me twice that day, by two different people at two different times, hit me so powerfully. God does know me. He knows my frame, that I am dust; He knows that I struggle with anxiety, that I constantly wonder what others are thinking, that I am often held back by my insecurity, and that I will let Him down so much. Yet, in spite of that, He loves me. He uses His deep, personal knowledge of me to bless me and remind me that He cares (even with little gifts like pumpkin spice lattes). There is absolutely no one else who knows me like God does, and He loves me intimately. For someone like me who truly fears that I would be unloved if I was truly known, this message is intensely powerful. If I can live this out, truly believing that God knows me—that I don’t have to prove anything to Him, or try to hide my weakness, or be afraid to fall apart—I can’t imagine what kind of life I could have. And isn't that true for all of us in one way or another? As scary as it is, I think most of us really do want to be known--to be seen and understood and unconditionally loved even in our weakness. We hope to have it from other people, and sometimes they can come through in big ways, but ultimately they will fail in this area, over and over. Instead of looking to others or even ourselves for that desire to be fulfilled, what if we just lean into the beautiful truth that God knows us--so much more intimately and personally than we could ever imagine--and move forward with confidence in that amazing identity?
"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty to attain." (Psalm 139: 1-6)

Laughing after trying cuy (guinea pig!) earlier in the trip. I love this picture because it captures the joy and happiness I felt getting to experience all that God taught me in Ecuador!

Sometimes it's hard to explain the depth of change the lessons I learned in Ecuador had in me, but I think it might just be something that can't really be explained with things like words or even pictures. These things have to be experienced, again and again, by each person in order to be grasped. My prayer for each of you is that God brings you into opportunities where you, too, can learn that He chose you for good works, He loves you and will provide for you, and He knows you so, so deeply. 

I think the perfect ending to my mission trip story is the lyrics to a song I heard just a few days after returning home. I still cry when I hear it because it so completely captures the sweet message God spoke to my heart on this trip. I hope it will help others grasp His love, acceptance, and grace too.

"I Knew What I Was Getting Into"
~Misty Edwards~

I knew what I was getting into when I called you

I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same

I knew what I was getting into, and I still want you

I knew what I was getting into

I knew what I was getting into, and I still chose you

I knew what I was getting into, and I still want you

I knew what I was getting into, and I still said Your name, I said it just the same

I knew what I was getting into

I am not shocked by your weakness

I am not shocked even by your sin

I am not shocked by your brokenness

I knew what I was getting into and I still want you

I knew what I was getting into and I still like you

I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you

Cause only I can see the end from the beginning

And only I can see where this is going

Only I can see the end from the beginning

And I see anew the seeds of love

And I see in you strength

When all you see is your failure

And all you feel is shame

I can see deeper than that

I know you better than, better than that

I knew what I was getting into when I called you

I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, I said it just the same

I knew what I was getting into, and I still want you

I knew what I was getting into, and I still like you

You're only at the beginning

You've only just begun

And I know where you are going

And all you can see is the moment that you're hurting

And all you can see is the moment that you're aching

But listen;

I knew what I was getting into when I called you

I knew what I was getting into, and I still want you

I knew what I was getting into, and I still like you

I knew what I was getting into, when I called you

Just don't give up

And don't give in

If you don't quit, you'll win, you'll win

Everything is in my hands

It's gonna be alright

Everything is in my hands

It's gonna be alright

It's gonna be okay

Everything is in my hands

It's gonna be alright

It's gonna be okay

And you don't have to pretend to be something or someone that you're not

Cause I know you better than that

Even better, even better than that

Listen my beloved;

I knew what I was getting into when I called you

I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, I said it just to say

I knew what I was getting into, and I still like you

I knew what I was getting into, and I still chose you

The beautiful view on top of the New Cathedral in Cuenca, Ecuador