Every relationship has conflict, and the way that we handle it will either help or hinder the bond we hold. Ever since sin entered the world, there have been things that cause damage to our relationship plants. Sometimes it's just a small thing, similar to when a scorch mark shows up on a plant, or a leaf falls off; other times, serious harm is done that threatens the life of the entire relationship. At times this damage happens on both people's side of the plant and is pretty obvious to both parties, and other times it isn't visible to one person...unless the other shows them. Communicating hurt or offense to the other person is like holding up a mirror for them to see our side of the plant; unless we do this, it isn't fair for us to assume that the other person sees the damage, and then get upset when they continue on as if nothing is wrong (after all, to them the plant probably looks great and nothing is wrong!)
Now, you don't need to be aggressive or mean about sharing your view; taking the mirror and smacking the other person with it is just going to do more damage to the relationship! However, not saying anything at all would be like trying to glue the leaf back on or hide the little scorch mark on your own, and it can lead to worse damage later. Eventually the hidden pain begins to rot the plant from the inside out, until the poor little thing begins to wilt and die, and the other person is left wondering how on earth this happened.
I can't even count the number of times I've slipped up in this area, choosing to hold back from sharing my hurt feelings or staying silent because I didn't want to "start anything." I'm really trying to grow in this area, though, and to realize that it is much, much harder to heal a relationship plant that has rot throughout it, and it is so much better to just alert the other person early on so they can help heal the "little" issues.
Now, you don't need to be aggressive or mean about sharing your view; taking the mirror and smacking the other person with it is just going to do more damage to the relationship! However, not saying anything at all would be like trying to glue the leaf back on or hide the little scorch mark on your own, and it can lead to worse damage later. Eventually the hidden pain begins to rot the plant from the inside out, until the poor little thing begins to wilt and die, and the other person is left wondering how on earth this happened.
I can't even count the number of times I've slipped up in this area, choosing to hold back from sharing my hurt feelings or staying silent because I didn't want to "start anything." I'm really trying to grow in this area, though, and to realize that it is much, much harder to heal a relationship plant that has rot throughout it, and it is so much better to just alert the other person early on so they can help heal the "little" issues.
We live in a fallen world, with fallen people, so not all of the relationships we may seek to have are going to be the best for us. Some of these are pretty obvious--abusive relationships, people that cause you to compromise your faith or morals, or those involved in illegal activities are very obviously "poisonous" plants that we need to use caution with. Sometimes God will still call us to a relationship with some of these people in order to help draw them to Him, but we have to be so, so careful to not wind up being "poisoned". When a gardener deals with a dangerous plant of some kind, he often wears gloves and other protective gear, and is very careful in how he handles it. This is how we should view these relationships, too: either keep a safe distance away, or handle with great care and stay alert so we don't get poisoned.
Another issue that might be less obvious is with "fake plants". These relationships require extra discernment and caution because they hold a risk of using up our limited time, energy, and relationship resources. Some examples of these would be relationships that are based out of guilt rather than love; relationships in which one or both people are "using" the other and are focused on what they can get rather than mutual care; or those in which one person values the relationship considerably more than the other and does the majority of the tending. In each of these examples, the relationship is not truly a living plant; instead, it is simply a fabric flower that one of us stuck in the dirt to hide the fact that the seed we so desperately wanted to see bloom never even took root. It can be very hard and even painful to realize that a relationship is false. Still, how much better is it to see the truth so that we can stop pouring so much into it, and can reserve our energy, affection, and time for the other real and meaningful relationship plants we have? And who knows: our God is an amazing God who brings life out of what once was dead; He absolutely has the ability to change these relationships into something beautiful and thriving! So don't lose hope in these relationships; just seek to have wisdom and caution in tending them.
3. Accepting What Others Can Give
Another issue that might be less obvious is with "fake plants". These relationships require extra discernment and caution because they hold a risk of using up our limited time, energy, and relationship resources. Some examples of these would be relationships that are based out of guilt rather than love; relationships in which one or both people are "using" the other and are focused on what they can get rather than mutual care; or those in which one person values the relationship considerably more than the other and does the majority of the tending. In each of these examples, the relationship is not truly a living plant; instead, it is simply a fabric flower that one of us stuck in the dirt to hide the fact that the seed we so desperately wanted to see bloom never even took root. It can be very hard and even painful to realize that a relationship is false. Still, how much better is it to see the truth so that we can stop pouring so much into it, and can reserve our energy, affection, and time for the other real and meaningful relationship plants we have? And who knows: our God is an amazing God who brings life out of what once was dead; He absolutely has the ability to change these relationships into something beautiful and thriving! So don't lose hope in these relationships; just seek to have wisdom and caution in tending them.
Something I want to clarify about that last example of "fake plants" is that there are different seasons in relationships where this one-sided care can happen for a while, and that's normal; it isn't realistic or fair for us to expect that our relationship will always be the main focus for the other person. After all, we each have an entire garden of relationships to care for! We also should strive to remember that just because somebody isn't pouring the same amount into the relationship does not mean they aren't caring for it. God has designed each of us with different gifts and abilities, and some of us have been blessed with large "watering cans" by God, so we have the capacity and capability to pour more love and care on others, and are able to use those gifts to help our relationships thrive. Other people, though, may have not been given the same "size" watering can. They may be pouring all they can into the relationship, but what they pour out does not equal the same as what we do because they didn't have the same amount to give in the first place. Or, maybe they aren't using the same tools and techniques as us in their care of the relationship (an example of this would be using a different love language than we actually have). This does not mean they don't care about the relationship, at all; they are doing their best to tend the plant with the tools they have. For us to get upset and angry and pull our own care and love away from the plant because the other person isn't "doing things right" is not only unfair, but will greatly damage the relationship. Rather than holding expectations for how our relationship "should be" tended by each person, let's try to look for all of the ways the other person is caring and working with us to help the relationship flourish.
So much damage can happen when we focus all of our time and attention on one "plant", and allow the others in our relationship garden to wilt. This is something I've had to learn a few different times, as sometimes my desire to love and serve others can cause a bit of "tunnel vision" and lead to me hyper-focus on just one person. God gives us multiple relationships to tend and care for, the most important of which is the one we have with Him, and each of us has a limited amount of love, time, energy, and attention to pour out of our little watering cans. I don't think God ever intended for us to limit our relationship-tending to just one person; it can lead to unhealthy attachments, codependency, and even idolatry if we allow any relationship to take precedence over the one we have with our Heavenly Father. I have had to learn this personally, and it is a lesson that is so very important to grasp! People were not created to be our "all-in-all", nor do I think any person can handle receiving our all for any great length of time. It isn't healthy or honoring to God when we choose to dump all of our limited resources onto one relationship. This will lead the other relationships in our life to dry up and wither; that one relationship has a real danger of getting too much water and drowning; and we can be left with an entire plot of suffering plants instead of a bountiful garden to enjoy.
Now, of course there are seasons when a certain relationship needs a little more love and attention; just like in real gardening, sometimes we spend a little more TLC on a specific plant, for whatever reason. We need wisdom and discernment to know how much to give to each individual "plant" and how to have balance in tending the many relationships in our lives, and thankfully that's something I know God loves to help us with. This leads me to my final point, and probably the biggest lesson I want to keep in mind with my relationships.
5. Seeking Help from the Perfect Relationship Gardener
There are several Bible verses that describe God as a Gardener, and it is such a relief and blessing to remember that He is the Creator of every relationship we have, and He knows exactly what we need to do in order to help each one flourish. He doesn't give us these little gardens of relationships and then leave us to figure out how to make it all grow; He is right there with us, waiting for us to ask Him where and when to plant each seed, what kind of soil to use, how much water to pour out...He has all the wisdom and skill we need to succeed in relationship "gardening", and He is happy to share it with us.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." (James 1:5)
"'Give me the wisdom and knowledge to lead [your people] properly, for who could possibly govern this great people of yours?' God said to Solomon, 'Because your greatest desire is to help your people, and you did not ask for wealth, riches, fame, or even the death of your enemies or a long life, but rather you asked for wisdom and knowledge to properly govern my people—I will certainly give you the wisdom and knowledge you requested." (2 Chronicles 1:10-12)
There is a lot to being a good relationship gardener, isn't there? But how wonderful it is when we can step back and see the beautiful garden of relationships that God has blessed us with and helped us to tend! Let's seek to care for each plant He gives us to the best of our abilities.
Now, of course there are seasons when a certain relationship needs a little more love and attention; just like in real gardening, sometimes we spend a little more TLC on a specific plant, for whatever reason. We need wisdom and discernment to know how much to give to each individual "plant" and how to have balance in tending the many relationships in our lives, and thankfully that's something I know God loves to help us with. This leads me to my final point, and probably the biggest lesson I want to keep in mind with my relationships.
There are several Bible verses that describe God as a Gardener, and it is such a relief and blessing to remember that He is the Creator of every relationship we have, and He knows exactly what we need to do in order to help each one flourish. He doesn't give us these little gardens of relationships and then leave us to figure out how to make it all grow; He is right there with us, waiting for us to ask Him where and when to plant each seed, what kind of soil to use, how much water to pour out...He has all the wisdom and skill we need to succeed in relationship "gardening", and He is happy to share it with us.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." (James 1:5)
"'Give me the wisdom and knowledge to lead [your people] properly, for who could possibly govern this great people of yours?' God said to Solomon, 'Because your greatest desire is to help your people, and you did not ask for wealth, riches, fame, or even the death of your enemies or a long life, but rather you asked for wisdom and knowledge to properly govern my people—I will certainly give you the wisdom and knowledge you requested." (2 Chronicles 1:10-12)
There is a lot to being a good relationship gardener, isn't there? But how wonderful it is when we can step back and see the beautiful garden of relationships that God has blessed us with and helped us to tend! Let's seek to care for each plant He gives us to the best of our abilities.
***I want to take a moment to talk a little more about my friend and enneagram coach who inspired this post, since it was my discussion with her that helped me understand some of the relationship struggles I have and how to overcome them. Kim Eddy (aka The Christian Enneagram Coach) is a wonderful resource for those who want to learn more about the "why" behind what they do and how to grow by using a gospel-focused and Jesus-centered version of the popular personality profiling system called the enneagram. Kim is a life coach who truly cares for others and is passionately devoted to Jesus Christ and keeping Him the center of everything. I've been so blessed by her coaching, Instragram page, and podcast; and have even gotten the exciting honor of being a founding member of her new Christian Enneagram Club group. It's so exciting to me how God has used what I've learned about the enneagram as a tool in my life, revealing my motives, strengths, weaknesses, and things I didn't even realize were going on in my heart to help me grow more into His likeness. If any of you are interested in learning more, you can visit Coach Kim's Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/christianenneagram.coach/. She also has a podcast called The Christian Enneagram Podcast, and her coaching website is https://www.christianenneagram.coach/aboutkim. I definitely recommend her, and have appreciated her insight and wisdom ( and the fact that she always seeks to keep the Gospel "the main thing").***
As always, your insights and profound wisdom of Scripture and His ways are beautifully written and shared. Thankful for your gifts and the benefit of them in my life beautiful daughter.
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