Dancing Before the Lord

For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with worrying about what others think of me. I remember even as a little girl, my parents would constantly have to remind me not to be a people-pleaser, and not to let others' words or opinions of me stop me from doing what God was calling me to. See, I love people! I want to be a blessing to others, and I want them to like me and to see me as a "good person" (whatever that means!) Can anyone else relate?
Well this week I read a story that really struck me and made me recognize this ongoing theme, as well as the remedy for it. In 2 Samuel 6, King David is bringing the Ark of God back to Jerusalem, and in the process of doing this, he is celebrating big time! The passage says he danced before God "with all his might" (verse 14) and was even leaping around in joy (verse 16). He was pretty much living out that quote "dance like no one is watching!" In the midst of this crazy dance party, David's wife Michal was watching, and she didn't like what she saw. There are a few different reasons that Bible translators have given for her disgust, but the overall consensus is that she didn't feel that he was behaving as a king should, and was basically making a fool of himself in front of the "common people." So here we have David, who is overjoyed at the ark being returned to his city, and has lost himself in worship and praise; and on the other side we have Michal, who sees this display as inappropriate and unbecoming for a king. This is their interaction when David returns home:

"And David returned to bless his household. But Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David and said, 'How the king of Israel honored himself today, uncovering himself today before the eyes of his servants' female servants, as one of the vulgar fellows uncovers himself!' And David said to Michal, 'It was before the LORD who chose me above your father and above all his house, to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the LORD--and I will celebrate before the LORD.'" (2 Samuel 6:20-21, emphasis mine)

Michal chastises David for his actions, and what is David's response? "It was before the LORD; I will celebrate before the LORD." 

"Before the LORD."

David wasn't even paying attention to any of the other people. He wasn't dancing before them. In his mind, it was just him and God, and he was praising Him, without care for any onlookers. He didn't let Michal's false impression of him and misplaced judgement change his actions, and he didn't apologize for them; he knew what his motives were in what he had done, and was focused only on what God thought. He danced before the LORD, heedless of who else was watching, and careless of their judgement.

Guys. That's how I want to live my life. I want to live my life before God and not pay so much attention to what others think or say. To live that way sounds so, so freeing! My question is, how do we get there?

1. Remember Who You Can Control

We have to remember that we can't control what other people do, think, say, or believe. I've realized  that striving to make sure that others perceive me in the right way is really a losing game, because I can't make them see me the way I wish they would; I can't make them believe me when I share my motives for what I do; nor am I able to alter their opinions once they've made up their minds about me. All I can control is what I do, what I say, what I think, and how I choose to treat them. If we choose to ignore that fact and continue in this ceaseless striving of trying to force people to see us in a good light, there are so many sad repercussions: missed opportunities from fear of people "taking things wrong"; lack of depth in relationships ("if I admit how I'm feeling, they'll think I'm selfish/petty/jealous/insecure/fill-in-the-blank"); endless cycles of anxiety, depression, frustration, and stress; and even physical symptoms like headaches and stomach issues that stem from the emotional toll. The very first step in getting freedom from this is in accepting that we cannot control other people, and that includes the way they might view us/their opinion of us.

2. Know How to Take Correction

I'm not saying that we shouldn't be willing to accept loving correction from people, or seek wisdom from them, or listen to others' concerns; there have been many, many times when I have been blind to my own sin until another person lovingly pointed it out to me and helped me recognize it. God does use other people to speak to us, correct us, and guide us. I think the balance here is to not live our lives preemptively worrying about what others' opinions could be and thereby being held back from what God wants us to do. I think this is what is hard for me! For whatever reason, I spend a lot of time and energy striving to appear like I never sin! The truth, though, is that of course I do. We are all sinful, fallen people who are prone to mess up, and we all need God's grace and forgiveness. To seek to appear as anything more than that really boils down to pride and deceit. So, we need to expect to make mistakes (and to have others point them out). The sooner we accept that, the sooner we can be free from the impossible task of trying to appear like we never slip up.

3. It Comes Down to the Heart.

So how should we respond when others view what we do in a way we never intended? Do we brush it off and just assume they "don't get us" and chalk it up to that? Or do we automatically accept that we had to have been wrong if someone else saw it that way and change our plans/thoughts/personalities to fit that opinion? I think there's a little bit more of a middle ground then those two "extremes". When other people do share their concerns or opinions of our actions with us, I think it should cause us to search our hearts and to seek God and ask Him if our motives were sinful or not. Afterall, that's what God looks at: the heart. People can only see the outward actions, not the heart behind it. I think a regular prayer we should share with God is the one found in Psalm 139:

"O LORD, you have searched me and known me...Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead in the way everlasting!" (verses 1, 23-24)

Remember, people can only see our outward actions; they can't always see our heart or the motives behind the things we do, so they're going to take things "the wrong way" at times, like Michal did with David. Those times do hurt, of course, and are probably harder for some of us to deal with than others. However, if we are continually seeking God and asking Him to test our hearts and thoughts (the things people can't see), and if we submit to His guidance, then we are likely to be following the right path. And if our hearts are right with God, we are striving to follow His way, and we are open to correction but not enslaved to people's opinions, then I think we can live in real freedom. Remember, God has already searched us, and He knows us better than anyone else; even if nobody else understands us or views us well, God does. And He holds quite a bit more sway than any single person on earth.
The flip side of this is that we need to remember that we don't see other people's hearts, either. Don't be quick to assume the worst in others; remember it isn't our "job" to convict or change people; and remain humble in any case where you may feel the need to share a concern or offer correction to another. Treat others the way you wish they would treat you, right?

When I read the account of David and Michal, I was struck with the assurance in his reply. He knew that he hadn't done anything wrong; his motives had been pure and his heart was at peace. He didn't have time or energy to worry about how his actions looked to others; in fact, he was so lost in the love and joy he had in his God that he barely even noticed anyone else. That kind of deep, all-consuming love is exactly the way I want to live my life. I want to be completely focused on God, smitten by Him and consumed by what He calls me to, so that everyone else around me is just a dim blur. Dancing before the Lord sounds like a pretty freeing and joyful way to live; anyone else want to join me?

Quarantined Rabe's: How Our Family is Surviving the COVID-19 Lockdown

Last week I shared the lessons that God has taught me personally after a month of quarantine, so this week I thought I would share the practical ways our family has been making it through this unique season. This is a little bit of a different post than I typically write, but I'm hoping it will be helpful and encouraging nonetheless! One thing to note: we definitely don't have this quarantine stuff "down" by any means, and I promise you we still struggle big time some days! With time and lots of prayer and God's grace, though, we have found a few things that have helped, so I want to share those things in case they can be helpful to others.

1. Routine or Schedule?

Early on in the quarantine we started seeing lots of really awesome examples of routines and schedules popping up for this time, so one of the very first decisions our family made was whether we needed a fairly set schedule (assigning each activity to a set time) or if we wanted to follow more of a routine (doing the same activities in the same order, but not necessarily at a set time). Our family has always done better with the flexibility of a routine, so we chose to move forward with that. Our weekday routine in quarantine looks something like this:

Our Quarantine Routine

Now, we don't even follow this very strictly (particularly the specific snacks and meals. Some days just call for the ease of cereal for breakfast...or lunch...or dinner...am I right?) but it helps to have it semi-planned out so that we can kind of stay on track and get the important things done. As for the weekends, that's really more of a "free-for-all" since Daddy doesn't have to work and we let him decide how to spend those days.

I'll do a quick walk-through of our routine to cover anything that needs more explanation:

• Breakfast and Bible: I usually read a little devotional or Bible story while the kiddos are eating breakfast. This way they are semi-contained, and they tend to pay more attention while they are eating! We also saved all of the Christmas photo cards we received this year and we choose one each morning and pray for that family. 
• Morning Chores: These are just the daily responsibilities I want the kids to complete before we can start school. My 8-year-old does most of these (feeding the cats, cleaning the litter box), but my 6 and 4-year-old help with getting the cats water, cleaning their rooms, and getting themselves dressed and ready for the day. (I will say, I often let the kids have a "Jammy Day" if they ask. That's one of the happy parts of being at home, right? Goodness knows I like to just stay comfy sometimes, too!)
• Regular School: This is our set curriculum that we already had started this school year. Because we are so far into the year, all we really have left to work on is math, reading, handwriting, and a little bit of spelling and language arts for my oldest. Only my older 2 kiddos have actual school to do, and I like to divide them up and teach one at a time so we can really focus and I don't have to have my attention divided (I tried teaching both at once early in the year and it was just way too much!). So I start with one kiddo and send the other one out to either work on a chore or play with my youngest (so it kills 2 birds with one stone, because otherwise my little dude tends to get into a bit of mischief!) School usually takes us about one or two hours, depending on the kids' attitudes and willingness to work. That's the cool thing about schooling at home; because I only have to focus on one kid at a time, we can typically get through the work pretty quickly!
• Bonus Chores: I found that it's easiest for me to keep up with chores if I assign a specific one to each day of the week. After school we work on whatever the chore of that day is (or sometimes whichever kids aren't doing school will work on their "bonus" chore while I am teaching the other kiddo.)
• Snack: For whatever reason, my kids are pretty much continually starving. So if they have gotten school and chores done by a decent enough time, we squeeze in a snack between breakfast and lunch. This doesn't always happen, though; sometimes if we wake up later or school takes longer, we skip this and just have a bit of an earlier lunch.
• Bonus Activities/Outside Time:  For us, bonus activities include things like extra school subjects (like science); specific things we never had time to do before (like baking/cooking lessons); and just fun little things to brighten the sometimes lonely/challenging days of being away from those we love. I'll explain a lot more about our bonus activities in the next section. If the weather is particularly nice or I have to work on chores a little longer, I'll send the kids outside to play and we postpone the bonus activities for the afternoon.
• Quiet Time: Every day after lunch the kids go to their own spaces for a couple of hours and have some time to rest and play quietly, and I work on my own projects that require a little more focus. Often my older two kids play together during this time (as long as they can get along), and I always let them choose a toy from our garage (where we store all of their toys). Since they don't get to play with the toys any other time, it usually holds their attention for a good while!
• Screen Time: Once the kids have cleaned up their toys and put things away, I let them watch a TV show (or sometimes two, let's be honest!) and have a snack while I finish up whatever project I was working on and/or start dinner. After that, if we haven't done our bonus activities yet, this is when we do them. 
• Family Time: After dinner we try to spend time together as a family. This is another part of the written routine that we don't necessarily follow exactly, because we leave it up to my husband how he wants to spend the time. If we are short on ideas, though, we have this layout to help!  

So what about you? What are the important things you'd like to get done each day in quarantine, and would your family do better with the guidance of a set schedule, or the freedom of a routine? Each family is different, so try to experiment and see what works for you!

The Activity Jar

2. Bonus Activities

At the beginning of this quarantine, I assigned specific learning themes and activities to work on after our "regular" school was done. We enjoyed doing a rainbow theme, a weather theme, and a spring theme, and I chose a specific type of activity for each day of the week:

• Monday: cooking/baking (usually a snack related to our theme for the week)
• Tuesday: learning games/printables (pattern blocks, bingo, math printables)
• Wednesday: sensory time (playdough, slime, bubble foam, etc.)
• Thursday: experiments (whatever science I could find for our week's theme)
•  Friday: art (painting, coloring, chalk, drawing, etc)

 We really enjoyed this for the first three weeks, and then during Easter we switched it up a bit and have been trying a new "method". Now we use the "activity jar", a little jar that I filled up with slips of paper that have different activity ideas on it. Our family has loved both of these ideas and will probably swap back and forth a few times, since they both have some great benefits. The perks to choosing specific themes and activities is that you can be really detailed in exactly what you hope to cover during the week (like teaching specific skills or trying an activity you always wanted to do). The upside to doing the jar is that it takes A LOT less time to set up, and it's kind of fun to be surprised each day with what you get to do. If you need some ideas or a quick way to get started, I have included both the chart I used for our weekly themes, and a document with activity ideas to cut out and put in a jar. 

Weekly Themes and Activities
Activity Jar Printables

Free printable pack by The Mom Creative

3. Processing and Documenting the Times

We are living through a historical event. Sometimes I think that is really neat in ways, and other times I just hate it and want to have my normal life back. Nevertheless, this is a very unique season we are in that will leave a permanent impact on us, our families, and likely the entire world. Because of the magnitude of this event and the intense effects it's having, our family has found it really helpful to process it and also to document it. These are some of the ways we are doing this:

• Weekly one-on-one walks with each kiddo. I am very blessed that my husband can work from home the majority of the time, so a few times a week I take one of my kids out of quiet time early or let them start it late, and we take a little walk around our neighborhood together. I try to use this time to help them talk through what they might be feeling. I ask how they are really doing, if there's anything or anyone they miss particularly, if they can think of ways to make the time easier, as well as what things they have enjoyed and are happy with. The last time I took my oldest on a walk, he surprised me by asking me what I've enjoyed and what's been hard. These walks only take 10-15 minutes, but they have really been a sweet time for us.
• Taking photos. I've always loved using photography to capture moments and memories, and this season has been no different. There are things about this time that I don't want to forget--both sweet blessings and also painful challenges. Someday I would love to share the pictures I take of empty store shelves, "window visits" with dear family and friends, and neighborhood chalk art with my grandchildren so they can understand in a more real way what it was like to live through COVID-19 and how God worked through it all.
• Journaling. Another way I personally process things is through writing, so I made a special page in my bullet journal broken down by weeks to jot down specific thoughts and feelings I have had each week. This helps me to see any specific struggles I need to pray about and work on, as well as any blessings and growth. 
• Posting up the week's biggest blessings. Every Friday evening I choose 9 of the biggest blessings from the past week and make a collage of photos relating to them, and then I post them on Instagram with a short description. This simple practice helps me keep God's goodness in mind even in the most challenging weeks, and it is also my heart to encourage those that see it and to help them to also see the goodness and faithfulness of God in the midst of this pandemic.
• Special printables. Something that has been so helpful and special for our family in this area is the use of printable packs that others have put together specifically for the purpose of processing and documenting this time as a family. Right now we are using two very good resources that I would love to share with you. First, the Mom Creative has a free printable pack with lots of great journaling prompts and a fun idea to turn the pages into a time capsule to look back on in twenty years. I included a photo of the cover page above! You can get this product by signing up at her website here.
  Second, my very good friend over at Raising Rices designed a wonderful faith-based printable kit with 46 pages of more terrific journaling prompts, ideas for how to love/serve others in this season, Bible verse coloring pages, a Mad Lib (that I actually had the honor to write for her!), and prayer pages. While this product isn't free, it is very affordable at only $5.00, and all of the proceeds will go towards helping my friend's husband attend seminary! Here are a few photos of this resource: 

A few of the awesome pages included: a couple different blessing trackers, some pages about processing the hardships of this season, ideas for how we can show blessings to others, a page about a day in our life...

The pages can be printed in color or in black and white, and they turn out adorable either way. This is the "About Me" page that my oldest is working on.

One of the beautiful Bible verse coloring pages that are included. My daughter did this one!

My littlest guy coloring in the adorable puppy on the "how can we love others" page.

You can get this awesome resource by clicking here!

• Post-Quarantine Bucket List. Any time we think of something that we wish we could do but aren't able to right now (park playdates, dinner with grandparents, seeing a movie at the theater) we write it down and put it in another jar that we set aside, and after things are open again and we can see people, we can pull an idea out every few days and celebrate that we can enjoy that activity again! This helps us to keep in mind that this season isn't forever; we will have a chance to do these things again someday, God-willing. And I think we will enjoy them with even more gratitude and joy because we will remember how it felt to not have that freedom before. 

One of the chalk activities we set up for the neighbors

4. Brightening Days and Being a Light

Everyone knows that there are some truly painful, scary, discouraging, and downright dark moments in the midst of this season. We can all relate, at least on some level, to the challenge of living through this event. Because of that reality, it's been so important for our family to find ways to both discover little bits of joy and light, as well as creating it for others. Here are some of the things that we have done.

• The best way that I've found to brighten the darkness and be equipped to be a light for others is to spend time with the Light of the World. It's been a hard adjustment for me to no longer have as much opportunity for extended one-on-one time with God, but something I've found that has really helped is taking Bible/prayer walks each day. Because my husband usually works from home now, I can easily slip away for an hour (either before the kids are up or while they are in quiet time/watching a show) so that I can walk around my neighborhood, listen to my Bible reading through the YouVersion app, and take some time to pray through my prayer list and share prayer requests and prayers with others via the Marco Polo app. This practice has had so many benefits for me: I am getting a little bit of exercise and fresh air; I have the chance to get away and focus on God for a while; and I also often have opportunity to connect with others who build me up in my faith when I listen to their video messages and get to reply back. It's amazing the difference it makes in my ability to love and serve my family and others when I have taken the time to let God minister to my heart and equip me for His work first. After all, God has everything that the people all around me need in this season; it isn't really possible for me to effectively help others and be a light in this darkness if I haven't first been equipped and filled by the One they need most of all.  
• For the kids, I have tried to budget for and find little "surprises" each week from our local bookstore (that way I can support a small business, and I also get my items that day or the next because they offer free local delivery! A lot of small businesses are doing this, so definitely check them out!) Usually they are just $5-$10 little activity books (stickers, hidden pictures, scratch & sketch, etc) and they always make the kids' day when they get them (and buy me some extra time, too, since it keeps them engaged.)
• I also will sometimes get little surprises for myself, for the same reason as I get the kiddos' stuff: just to bring a smile. Something I've noticed in this season is that even little things just feel a lot happier than they used to, and it can really boost my mood to get a little package in the mail with a goody for me!
• For our neighborhood, we have gotten to draw a fun chalk obstacle course, paint our window with encouraging words and happy pictures, set out teddy bears to help with a bear scavenger hunt our community held, and most recently went around and left chalk hearts all around the neighborhood as well as a message challenging others to find them! We have been very blessed by the little things our neighbors and communities have done for us, and we have SO much fun doing these things for them!
• For friends and family, we have ordered little surprises to be delivered to them to brighten their days, made Easter cards and delivered them, done a few drive-by "hellos" (just driving by their houses and rolling our windows down to have mini visits and say hi), and written letters to tell them how much we love and miss them. Again, it is so amazing how much joy it brings to get to bless other people that we love! Try it and I'll bet you'll feel the same.

Staying connected with those we love

5. Staying Connected

By far the hardest part of quarantine for our family (and probably most of you, too) has been the heartache over missing "our people". Worshiping and learning with our amazing church family; dinners with the grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins; playdates with sweet friends...each and every one of us has felt the loss of not being together in person with those we love. We see messages all over the place about the importance of staying connected; the question is, how? Here are a few things we have done:

• First, the obvious choice that most of you are probably already doing: video chat. Zoom, FaceTime, Facebook Messenger, Google Hangouts...all of these are great options for seeing some loved and ones and hearing their voices. We've done virtual coffee dates, Bible study groups, meetings, and are even planning some virtual playdates! We have the technology; let's use it!
• Something that has been a huge help for my kids is the Facebook Messenger Kids app. It is linked to the parents' account, and the parent is the one who adds/approves every single contact. The app allows kids to do video chat, regular chat, a "guess this drawing" game (probably my oldest son's very favorite perk), and some other cooperative games to do with whoever they are messaging. Right now I only allow my oldest son to use this, but the other two kids are allowed to watch (and of course they jump on whenever he is video chatting a grandparent!) We only allow the kids to use this app while sitting in the room with us, and we check the messages carefully. If you are comfortable with your child using this technology and have safeguards and rules in place, it can really be a big help in letting them feel connected.
• While our new video-messaging technology options are awesome, don't discredit "older" ways of communicating and connecting. We've grown a lot in having phone conversations again in this season, and I have even gotten to start a "pen pal" email relationship with a newer friend! And tried and true "snail mail" is actually really, really awesome in this season. I had a friend send me a letter a few weeks ago, and I was surprised by the level of joy and connection it brought me! Don't discount the power of a handwritten letter! 
• ***DISCLAIMER: These next ideas might be controversial. First and foremost, be sure that you are following the laws and guidelines set down by your particular state/country's leadership. I recognize that some places need stricter boundries in order to protect people, so always defer to your unique location's needs when considering how to follow social distancing. Also, keep in mind that everyone's comfort levels and convictions are going to be a little bit different when it comes to social distancing. Please don't use any of these ideas to shame another person, either for being "more fearful" than you because they aren't willing to do them, or for being "too careless" because they are willing to do more than you are comfortable with. We can't say we are "in this together" if we are too busy nit-picking each other's choices in how we can/cannot connect in this season. Each of these ideas are ones that still follow social distancing guidelines in my state of Oregon (maintain a distance of at least six feet from others, no gatherings of more than ten people, stay home if you have any symptoms) but I know that some could view them as still taking too much risk. Pick and choose ones that you think would work for your family, but don't worry if they don't feel ok for you!***
  
  ~During my first virtual counseling session, my counselor suggested some ways to connect with people in a more "face to face" way, knowing that our family was struggling with only getting to connect over a screen. Her suggestion was to try doing things while being quarantined in our car still, like car coffee dates with friends. I have gotten to do this with my parents for a little icecream outing with the kids, one friend for a "lunch date", and another for a coffee date, and have also seen others parking their cars six feet apart and sitting in their trunks just to talk for a bit.
  
  ~Something else we have done a few times is to drive by friends' houses and roll down our windows to talk.
  
  ~I have also gone on some walks with people (again, maintaining that six-foot distance)
  
  ~We have had several sweet "window visits" with family and friends who come up to our big front window at home to talk for a few minutes.
  
  It's been pretty amazing to see the difference in our family's overall mood, disposition, and hopefulness just from getting a few opportunities to see people we love face to face. Now, these are probably ideas that should be saved to do just once in a while; the very best way to stop the spread of this virus is just like they have been saying: to stay at home. I also know, though, that there are a lot of different things to factor in when it comes to staying healthy and being able to continue this lifestyle long-term. I think the main things to do when it comes to figuring out ways to connect in this time are to pray for wisdom and discernment, seek to truly love and serve others, submit to governing authorities, and then make these circumstances work for your family. 

Now that we've been in the COVID-19 season for over a month, our family is starting to settle a bit more into this lifestyle. Things are still hard at times, of course, and we have good days and bad days; we still pray "for the sickness to go away" in the words of my sweet kiddos, and we can't wait to give hugs to our people again. In the meantime, though, these things have all been very helpful in "surviving" the lockdown, and I hope they have given you all some ideas and encouragement to make it through this time, too.

One Month in Quarantine

This week marked one month of quarantine for our family. It's come to the point now that most of the things I did before quarantine seem like another life entirely, and I feel like a different person, too. It's been an intense season, with so much learning and grieving and growing; I think that's probably true for a lot of people, right? 

Something I've done that has helped me with processing all of this has been to jot down a few thoughts and emotions I've had for each week of this quarantine. As I look back on it, I can see some main themes and lessons that each week of quarantine taught me, and I want to share them with you all here. 

Week 1: In Times of Unsteadiness, God is Our Rock

The first week that the COVID-19 "stuff" started becoming real was a whirlwind. There was a pretty wide range of responses from people, everything from laughing it off ("guess we get to take advantage of the cheap airline tickets now!") to sheer panic (goodbye, toilet paper). My thoughts and emotions were a bit of a see-saw, mirroring the varied reactions around me. I would swing from fear ("what are we going to do stuck at home all the time?") to hopefulness ("it might be kind of fun, doing things as a family.") The event itself seemed to be changing every other day, too. One day we were still allowed to meet with others as long as our group didn't exceed 25 people. The next, we were all told we had to stay at home and couldn't see anyone outside of those we lived with. And the timeline was constantly shifting, too; first we were told it would only be for the month of March...then by Easter...then by the start of May...Basically, nothing was settled. Everything was shaky and uncertain, like standing on a shifting mountain of sand. Everything, that is, except for God.

Psalm 11:3-4, "'if the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?' The LORD is in His holy temple; the LORD's throne is in Heaven; His eyes see, His eyelids test the children of man."

In that first week, a lot of foundations were being destroyed: the foundations of security, earthly relationships, good health, knowledge, and SO many more. As that was happening (and continues even now), though, God was still in His Temple, still reigning from His throne in Heaven. His eyes saw, and continue to see, everything happening. He is in control, and He will not be shaken, no matter how much other foundations may be. The first week of COVID-10 quarantine taught me to keep God as my foundation; even when everything else becomes shaky and uncertain, He remains firm.

Week 2: Beware of the "Shoulds"

The second week of quarantine was the hardest for me. I think I'd gotten by ok the first week because it didn't seem like it would be too long, and I was intrigued by the "newness" and the different opportunities the situation offered (more family time, not having to wake up early or rush to be anywhere, etc.) But that wore off pretty quickly, and was replaced with an overall feeling of "what's the point?" I was extremely discouraged and disillusioned, and felt like it didn't matter what I did: it wouldn't make a difference if I was purposeful with my family or just turned on the TV to entertain them; it didn't matter if I tried to get a workout in or just lay around scrolling through social media all day; it wouldn't make a difference if I made healthy meals or just ate what sounded good (hint: it wasn't vegetables.) Yet allowing myself to fall into that "funk" led to another problem: all of the "shoulds".

"I should be taking the kids outside every day."

"I should be working out more."

"I should be reaching out to more people."

All of this "should-ing" led to one overall feeling: "I am failing at quarantine." Of course I knew how ridiculous that sounded! How could somebody possibly fail at quarantine outside of not actually DOING it? But the burden remained, because I saw so many others that were "doing quarantine" better: working out every day, making sure their kids got outside time, sticking to a healthy diet, making sweet memories... Tell me that isn't familiar to some of you! I fell into the comparison trap, and I fell HARD. I learned, though, that my focus needed to be simply on me and my family. Everybody was going to handle this season differently, and it did no good to compare myself to them. Heaping guilt on myself when I was already feeling defeated was only going to make things worse. I knew that I didn't like how this week turned out (ironically it DID matter what I did, as it had an impact on not only my mood but my entire family's!) and I knew things needed to change, but I wouldn't be able to move forward by getting buried underneath comparison and "shoulds." Week 2 taught me to avoid comparing "my" quarantine with others, and to instead seek to do what works for us. 

Week 3: Do the Next Right Thing

Our family, like many others I imagine, has been pretty caught up in the new movie "Frozen 2" that was released by Disney early in light of COVID-19. This is actually one of my favorite new movies because I can relate so much with one of the characters, and I also love the music. One song in particular has resonated with me pretty strongly, and I think a lot of other people can relate to it as well in this season.

"Just do the next right thing

Take a step, step again

It is all that I can to do

The next right thing

I won't look too far ahead

It's too much for me to take

But break it down to this next breath, this next step

This next choice is one that I can make

So I'll walk through this night

Stumbling blindly toward the light

And do the next right thing

And with the dawn, what comes then?

When it's clear that everything will never be the same again

Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice

And do the next right thing"

Sometimes my mind wanders to the fact that this quarantine could be my reality for the foreseeable future, and I immediately feel panic begin to rise. "I can't imagine doing this for another DAY, let alone weeks and weeks! I miss my parents! I miss my friends! My kids are bored, my house is trashed, I want to run away." It's so easy to fall into a spiral of discouragement and losing hope when I try to think ahead to the coming weeks or days (or even hours, honestly.) When that happens, the most helpful thing to do is to stop. Take a breath. And ask, "What can I do next that will be most helpful?" Is it taking a walk with the kids? Is it cleaning up ONE room? Is it calling a friend? One thing feels way less overwhelming than the hundreds of things it will take to get through this, but it is exactly by doing just one good thing that we will make it through. Week 3 taught me to break things down and to take one step at a time rather than thinking too far ahead.

Week 4: It Isn't Up To Me

In the 4th week we faced a pretty challenging situation: my husband had a family emergency that required him to travel to another state, leaving me to continue the quarantine solo with our three young kids. I've done plenty of "solo mommy adventures" since my husband travels pretty extensively for work, but doing so without the in-person support of other family or friends, and without the distraction of fun outings, was definitely a new level of intense! The first day he was gone went ok for us; the kids and I had fun working on an art project, and we got to do a drive-thru icecream run with Grandma and Papa, and had a nice movie night with popcorn for dinner. Just before bed, though, things took a bit of a crazy turn. The kids flooded their bathroom during bathtime, broke a picture (complete with needle-point shards of glass), and then busted up my daughter's bed. As I was trying to lift her mattress up to get it settled back in place, I hurt my wrist, and suddenly was overwhelmed with one specific fear: if something happens to me, then what? We had no other adults at all who could come in and help; I was IT. If I got hurt, or sick, or ANYTHING...what then? I went to bed that night with that burden resting on me like a dead weight. I really shouldn't have been surprised, then, when I woke up early the next morning with one of the worst migraines I have ever had. I couldn't even open my eyes, or talk, without getting sick. I spent that day in my room, alternating between sending out desperate pleas for prayer to my family and church, and throwing up from the intense pain. It had happened: I, the only grown-up available to care for my children, was out. And God answered that question I had so fearfully asked the night before: what would happen? Well, a few things happened. First, my oldest son stepped up in a big way. He got all of the food for him and the other kids; he turned on the TV to keep them entertained; he went to the porch to get the medicine my mom had dropped off for my headache; and he brought me crackers and a drink (complete with a little straw! I mean, how sweet is that?). Second, my next door neighbor left ginger ale and crackers on the front step and texted me lots of encouragement. And lastly, my church family stepped in with prayers, texts of support and love, and even sent one precious lady out to us with dinner and Oreos for the kids, and Gatorade for me. What happened was that God showed me something so important: it isn't up to me. Week 4 taught me that all of the caring and all of the helping and all of the day-to-day work of a stay-at-home mom isn't all on my shoulders; it's on His. I don't have to hold it together or carry everything on my own. He is in charge, He is the ultimate Provider and Caretaker, and He is so faithful to come through for His children. 

Week 5: Our Struggles Lead to Character

This week a friend of mine was sharing with the mom's group at our church over our weekly Zoom call, and she talked about how seasons of being "unsettled" or "shaken up" often wind up revealing a deeper place of character and content within ourselves, and I can see that so evidently in my own life as I look back on the last month. It wasn't (and isn't) at all fun to go through the process of being "shaken up" and refined, but we are promised in God's word that it all leads to so much good.

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." (Romans 5:3-4)

There is a lot of suffering happening right now, for just about every person you might talk to. It's hard. It's painful. But you know what? It's teaching us endurance. And endurance produces stronger character. And with stronger character comes something I think we all want more of: HOPE. I haven't yet finished out all of week 5, but I still really feel like the main theme and lesson of this week is a little taste of the fruit that comes from seasons of trial and struggle. Week 5 is teaching me to hold on through the suffering, letting God produce more endurance and character within me, and looking forward to the beautiful hope it will all lead to.