Tending Relationships

Recently I was talking to a wise friend (who also happens to be my amazing enneagram coach), and we were discussing relationships. Relationships are definitely a central focus for me and something I care very much about, so I really appreciated her walking me through things and helping me gain more understanding. We ended up coming up with a really neat visual that helped me grasp some relationship dynamics better, and I think it could be very helpful to others, so I want to share it here.

The picture my coach and I discussed is of each of our relationships being like a little plant. Starting a new relationship is like planting a seed in a plot between two people, and in a healthy relationship, each person tends the little seed: every act of kindness, purposeful time spent together, loving word, offer of help, etc. is like "watering" it, and with time and care, the seed sprouts and becomes a lovely little plant. The more attention and care their bond is given, the bigger and stronger it grows. Each of us is given a garden of these relationships by God and is called to tend them and help them grow. In a perfect world, we would be able to do this with no problems, and would all end up with beautifully full and colorful gardens. As we know, though, we don't live in a perfect world. We have struggles and pain to deal with; little (or big) "weeds", that make tending relationships challenging. Here are some of the things that have prevented me from successfully tending my relationships, and what God has been teaching me to do instead.

1. Conflict and Communication

Every relationship has conflict, and the way that we handle it will either help or hinder the bond we hold. Ever since sin entered the world, there have been things that cause damage to our relationship plants. Sometimes it's just a small thing, similar to when a scorch mark shows up on a plant, or a leaf falls off; other times, serious harm is done that threatens the life of the entire relationship. At times  this damage happens on both people's side of the plant and is pretty obvious to both parties, and other times it isn't visible to one person...unless the other shows them. Communicating hurt or offense to the other person is like holding up a mirror for them to see our side of the plant; unless we do this, it isn't fair for us to assume that the other person sees the damage, and then get upset when they continue on as if nothing is wrong (after all, to them the plant probably looks great and nothing is wrong!) 
Now, you don't need to be aggressive or mean about sharing your view; taking the mirror and smacking the other person with it is just going to do more damage to the relationship! However, not saying anything at all would be like trying to glue the leaf back on or hide the little scorch mark on your own, and it can lead to worse damage later. Eventually the hidden pain begins to rot the plant from the inside out, until the poor little thing begins to wilt and die, and the other person is left wondering how on earth this happened.
I can't even count the number of times I've slipped up in this area, choosing to hold back from sharing my hurt feelings or staying silent because I didn't want to "start anything." I'm really trying to grow in this area, though, and to realize that it is much, much harder to heal a relationship plant that has rot throughout it, and it is so much better to just alert the other person early on so they can help heal the "little" issues. 

2. Recognizing Poisonous or Fake Plants

We live in a fallen world, with fallen people, so not all of the relationships we may seek to have are going to be the best for us. Some of these are pretty obvious--abusive relationships, people that cause you to compromise your faith or morals, or those involved in illegal activities are very obviously "poisonous" plants that we need to use caution with. Sometimes God will still call us to a relationship with some of these people in order to help draw them to Him, but we have to be so, so careful to not wind up being "poisoned". When a gardener deals with a dangerous plant of some kind, he often wears gloves and other protective gear, and is very careful in how he handles it. This is how we should view these relationships, too: either keep a safe distance away, or handle with great care and stay alert so we don't get poisoned.
Another issue that might be less obvious is with "fake plants". These relationships require extra discernment and caution because they hold a risk of using up our limited time, energy, and relationship resources. Some examples of these would be relationships that are based out of guilt rather than love; relationships in which one or both people are "using" the other and are focused on what they can get rather than mutual care; or those in which one person values the relationship considerably more than the other and does the majority of the tending. In each of these examples, the relationship is not truly a living plant; instead, it is simply a fabric flower that one of us stuck in the dirt to hide the fact that the seed we so desperately wanted to see bloom never even took root. It can be very hard and even painful to realize that a relationship is false. Still, how much better is it to see the truth so that we can stop pouring so much into it, and can reserve our energy, affection, and time for the other real and meaningful relationship plants we have? And who knows: our God is an amazing God who brings life out of what once was dead; He absolutely has the ability to change these relationships into something beautiful and thriving! So don't lose hope in these relationships; just seek to have wisdom and caution in tending them.

3. Accepting What Others Can Give

Something I want to clarify about that last example of "fake plants" is that there are different seasons in relationships where this one-sided care can happen for a while, and that's normal; it isn't realistic or fair for us to expect that our relationship will always be the main focus for the other person. After all, we each have an entire garden of relationships to care for! We also should strive to remember that just because somebody isn't pouring the same amount into the relationship does not mean they aren't caring for it. God has designed each of us with different gifts and abilities, and some of us have been blessed with large "watering cans" by God, so we have the capacity and capability to pour more love and care on others, and are able to use those gifts to help our relationships thrive. Other people, though, may have not been given the same "size" watering can. They may be pouring all they can into the relationship, but what they pour out does not equal the same as what we do because they didn't have the same amount to give in the first place.  Or, maybe they aren't using the same tools and techniques as us in their care of the relationship (an example of this would be using a different love language than we actually have). This does not mean they don't care about the relationship, at all; they are doing their best to tend the plant with the tools they have. For us to get upset and angry and pull our own care and love away from the plant because the other person isn't "doing things right" is not only unfair, but will greatly damage the relationship. Rather than holding expectations for how our relationship "should be" tended by each person, let's try to look for all of the ways the other person is caring and working with us to help the relationship flourish. 

4. Remembering to Care for All of the Plants, Not Just One 

So much damage can happen when we focus all of our time and attention on one "plant", and allow the others in our relationship garden to wilt. This is something I've had to learn a few different times, as sometimes my desire to love and serve others can cause a bit of "tunnel vision" and lead to me hyper-focus on just one person. God gives us multiple relationships to tend and care for, the most important of which is the one we have with Him, and each of us has a limited amount of love, time, energy, and attention to pour out of our little watering cans. I don't think God ever intended for us to limit our relationship-tending to just one person; it can lead to unhealthy attachments, codependency, and even idolatry if we allow any relationship to take precedence over the one we have with our Heavenly Father. I have had to learn this personally, and it is a lesson that is so very important to grasp! People were not created to be our "all-in-all", nor do I think any person can handle receiving our all for any great length of time. It isn't healthy or honoring to God when we choose to dump all of our limited resources onto one relationship. This will lead the other relationships in our life to dry up and wither; that one relationship has a real danger of getting too much water and drowning; and we can be left with an entire plot of suffering plants instead of a bountiful garden to enjoy.
Now, of course there are seasons when a certain relationship needs a little more love and attention; just like in real gardening, sometimes we spend a little more TLC on a specific plant, for whatever reason. We need wisdom and discernment to know how much to give to each individual "plant" and how to have balance in tending the many relationships in our lives, and thankfully that's something I know God loves to help us with. This leads me to my final point, and probably the biggest lesson I want to keep in mind with my relationships.

5. Seeking Help from the Perfect Relationship Gardener

There are several Bible verses that describe God as a Gardener, and it is such a relief and blessing to remember that He is the Creator of every relationship we have, and He knows exactly what we need to do in order to help each one flourish. He doesn't give us these little gardens of relationships and then leave us to figure out how to make it all grow; He is right there with us, waiting for us to ask Him where and when to plant each seed, what kind of soil to use, how much water to pour out...He has all the wisdom and skill we need to succeed in relationship "gardening", and He is happy to share it with us.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." (James 1:5)

"'Give me the wisdom and knowledge to lead [your people] properly, for who could possibly govern this great people of yours?' God said to Solomon, 'Because your greatest desire is to help your people, and you did not ask for wealth, riches, fame, or even the death of your enemies or a long life, but rather you asked for wisdom and knowledge to properly govern my people—I will certainly give you the wisdom and knowledge you requested." (2 Chronicles 1:10-12)

There is a lot to being a good relationship gardener, isn't there? But how wonderful it is when we can step back and see the beautiful garden of relationships that God has blessed us with and helped us to tend! Let's seek to care for each plant He gives us to the best of our abilities.

***I want to take a moment to talk a little more about my friend and enneagram coach who inspired this post, since it was my discussion with her that helped me understand some of the relationship struggles I have and how to overcome them. Kim Eddy (aka The Christian Enneagram Coach) is a wonderful resource for those who want to learn more about the "why" behind what they do and how to grow by using a gospel-focused and Jesus-centered version of the popular personality profiling system called the enneagram. Kim is a life coach who truly cares for others and is passionately devoted to Jesus Christ and keeping Him the center of everything. I've been so blessed by her coaching, Instragram page,  and podcast; and have even gotten the exciting honor of being a founding member of her new Christian Enneagram Club group. It's so exciting to me how God has used what I've learned about the enneagram as a tool in my life, revealing my motives, strengths, weaknesses, and things I didn't even realize were going on in my heart to help me grow more into His likeness. If any of you are interested in learning more, you can visit Coach Kim's Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/christianenneagram.coach/. She also has a podcast called The Christian Enneagram Podcast, and her coaching website is https://www.christianenneagram.coach/aboutkim. I definitely recommend her, and have appreciated her insight and wisdom ( and the fact that she always seeks to keep the Gospel "the main thing").***

Laborers of the Harvest

"The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore, pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest." ~Luke 10:2

This is one of those verses that I have read many, many times, but only recently understood more. Within the last week, God opened my eyes more to the truths in this passage, and they had such an impact on me that I want to share them with you all. Here are some things God has been speaking to my heart about His sending laborers into His harvest. 

1. We are all told to pray for God to send laborers.

Even if we ourselves don't feel the call to missions, it is still something so near to God's heart and is something He wants us involved in. He tells us to pray, and not just that but to pray earnestly; this implies that we should genuinely care, that we ache for people to go out into the world to share His love with others, that we have a big enough worldview to realize that our "here and now" is not all there is to life and that there are so many other people, places, and lives that desperately need Jesus. 

Before I went on my first mission trip, I didn't really "get" this. Yes, I supported missionaries. Yes, I prayed and gave money and listened to their messages. Yet it wasn't until I got to be a short-term missionary myself, and my eyes were opened to the world in an all-new way, that I understood this at a heart-level. Ever since I got home from Ecuador, I have felt a tugging on my heart from God. Being in a different country, meeting new people, and hearing God's truth shared in another language completely altered my whole worldview. I have a new heart for the world, and for missions, and for those sent out by God. I have a new understanding of God loving every tribe, tongue, and nation, and a deeper longing to see the Great Commission fulfilled. In the weeks since I've gotten back, God has done a lot to speak to my heart, specifically about missions and sharing His love with the nations, and I understand now more than ever how much it really matters and how much He cares.

2. There is often personal cost to this prayer.

I never really fully understood the real "cost" to this prayer until this last year as I began to be called to let go of people I love who are being sent into the harvest. As of this writing I have one friend and her family that are actively working towards being overseas missionaries; a wonderful church leader and his sweet family who have stated their intention to begin this process in the next few months; and a very dear friend who hasn't yet received the details of God's plans, but has a very deep, strong calling to be a missionary that her husband and children are on board with, and I know they will be on that path soon. On top of that, I have other sweet friends that have been missionaries to other countries for a while now, and that we get to support. All of this is a good thing, something I am so honored and blessed to be a part of.

And...it hurts. As a fallen human who loves others and aches at separation, it hurts. 

Sometimes I am taken aback by the level of grief I feel when I consider the truth of what sending laborers means. It means that we are often separated from those we dearly love while on this earth. It means being willing to let go of even our most cherished family and friends if they receive the call to go. It means we don't get to enjoy some of our favorite people on a regular basis in this lifetime. Guys, that is such an ache, both for those precious laborers who leave behind everyone they love, and for those same loved ones who willingly release them. 

And yet...

3. When He answers this prayer, it is cause to rejoice!

The separation that brings that agonizing ache is literally an answer to prayer. "Pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers." That's what He is doing; He is sending out laborers, and those laborers happen to be those we love. Oh, what a quandary! Did we mean those prayers? Did we really want Him to send out laborers? Or did we add stipulations to it?

"Send laborers, Lord...as long as it isn't someone I personally know."

 "Send people out, Lord...just don't let it mean pain for me."

Isn't that kind of what it boils down to? Oh, guys. I am wrestling with this so much. I love my people. Nothing makes me happier than spending time with my friends and family and enjoying sweet fellowship with the amazing people God has given me. To be separated from them is agony; I'm crying even as I write this! So please don't think that I say any of these things flippantly or from some kind of emotional distance. This is not an easy task.

It comes down to this, though: God is answering our prayers when He sends "our" people out (for really, they are His, and not ours, right?) I don't think there's any way we can flip a switch and move totally into praise for this; I think that instead, this is one of those "sacrifice of praise" opportunities. It hurts horribly to face separation, but we choose to still praise God in the midst of that missing and ache because we know that ultimately, this is an answer to prayer. This is something that brings Him glory. This is something that leads to eternal good for so, so many. And bearing that in mind helps us to see that His answer to this prayer is cause to rejoice, even as we also walk through the grief of loss.

4. We are all called to a harvest.

I will confess that getting back from that mission trip and then being faced with the "sending" of so many people I love has thrown my heart into some turmoil. At one of our church services a few weeks ago, I found myself kneeling at the altar, absolutely weeping with the combined ache of releasing loved ones into ministry, and confusion/grief over what God's call was for me myself. Part of me felt almost angry at being consistently called to be a "sender" and to watch others become laborers sent out into the harvest when I also longed to do something for Him; I was tired of being on the sidelines, so to speak. 

"Well do you want to be sent?" God seemed to ask.

 "I don't know! I don't know what I want. I don't know what you want!"

He didn't have much of an answer for me. All I sensed Him say was, "Wait, and pray." 

I don't know what God has in store for me yet. I don't know what He wants me to do about this ache I carry for the nations now. Does He want me to become one of those laborers sent  into foreign land? Does He want me to stay here but make short-term trips an ongoing part of my life? Does He want me to simply continue sending beautiful laborers out and support them with prayer and finances while I continue ministry here at home? I don't have those answers yet. All I know is that God wants me to be open, willing, and ready.

I have been reading the devotional book "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers, and this week I was struck by one of the readings. It was based on Isaiah 6:8, "'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' Then said I, 'Here am I; send me." Chambers goes on to explain:

"The call of God is not for the special few, it is for everyone. Whether or not I hear God's call depends upon the state of my ears; and what I hear depends upon my disposition. 'Many are called but few are chosen,' that is, few prove themselves the chosen ones. The chosen ones are those who have come into a relationship with God through Jesus Christ whereby their disposition has been altered and their ears unstopped, and they hear the still small voice questioning all the time, 'Who will go for us?' It is not a question of God singling out a man and saying, 'Now, you go.'....If we let the Spirit of God bring us face to face with God, we too shall hear something akin to what Isaiah heard, the still small voice of God; and in perfect freedom will say, 'Here am I; send me.'"

God has called all of us to a harvest of some kind, and we don't always have to go overseas to find it. I think it's so important to keep something of a "missionary mindset" about us wherever we are called--even here in "normal" life. Not everyone will be called to leave everything behind and move to another country, but that doesn't mean we can't have the willingness and courage to tell God, "Here I am, send me: to whoever, wherever, and whatever you want."

"Here I Am; Send Me"

I am called by God, I know not where

Nor what His plans may be

Yet this response my heart still bears:

"Here I am, send me."

The special work He's called me to

I have yet to fully see

Yet my response, forever true:

"Here I am, send me."

Whether His call is close to home,

Or 'cross the raging sea

My resolution, this alone:

"Here I am, send me."

Perhaps He'll say, "Go share with all,"

or "Just these two or three."

My heart longs to obey His call.

"Here I am, send me."

His call may be to far away

To people not set free

Or perhaps His will may be to stay;

Still, "Here I am, send me."

If He says, "Your ministry is here

To friends and family."My response will be to serve those dear.

"Here I am, send me."

In work and serving where I am

Or in a new country

I'm open to His loving plan

"Here I am, send me."

I know the plans He has are best

And He has great love for me

That's how I say, with trust and rest

"Here I am, send me."

So through my life, in all my days

'Til my Savior's face I seeI'll serve my King in all my ways.

"Here I am, send me."

~Mary Rabe~