He Gives...and Takes Away

I've been in a season of "taking away" lately, where God is taking a lot of things out of my life, or at the very least changing them in big ways (ways that I am not exactly a fan of). I wish I could say I've responded with complete faith, trust, and joyful submission...but that's not exactly accurate.

I think I did ok for the first few "take-aways"--

"Change churches? Oh. That's gonna hurt. Well, ok. I can do that."

 "My favorite gym teachers are leaving? And the classes I enjoy and that give me such a good outlet won't be the same? Well...alright."

"A close family member is suddenly going away? Ok...that's super hard...but I trust You."

As months have gone by, though, with more and more being taken away, I must confess that the pain and grief and transition has gotten to be a bit much. It has felt like the majority of the things in my life that make me the happiest are disappearing one by one, and rather than easing up as the weeks progress, they are vanishing faster and faster, and getting harder and harder to deal with. It's honestly taken my breath away and left me reeling. About a week ago I reached a bit of a crisis point: am I going to choose to continue forward in faith, knowing that things are likely going to get harder before they get better? Or am I going to lay down and quit? 

I won't lie; I've been severely tempted to do the latter. It's hard to keep getting up, keep battling, keep hoping for things to get better while bracing myself against the pain when it doesn't. A close friend reminded me, though, that giving up and turning away won't make the pain stop. It will just take away another thing, the most important thing I have to get me through this time. So, I'm getting up. I'm continuing through the season. And I know I'm learning things I could never learn any other way. If any of you are in a season of loss, of facing lots of "taking away", here are some things I am clinging to that I hope will be encouraging to you as well.

1. Remember Who God Is. In the midst of this season I have felt pretty desperate to cling to every single little thing I have left, and have struggled to just trust God and leave it all in His hands. It's hard to trust Someone that you fear is going to take away everything you love. That is not at all an accurate picture of God, though; even in the hardest moments I've known my image of Him is skewed. He is the same God now that He was back in the seasons of abundant blessings and "giving" that I got to enjoy just a few months back. God does not change; it is my own fallible perception of Him that does. He is a loving Father who gives good gifts to His children (Matthew 7:11); He is the Provider of everything we need (Philippians 4:19); He even says that if you "open your mouth wide, He will fill it" (Psalm 81:10). God is not a Taker; He is a Giver. And even in all of this taking away, I know He is giving to me through it--providing lessons, growth, and maturity I can't gain any other way. 
This quote has really spoken to me in this season, "The wisdom of God tells us that God will bring about the best possible results, by the best possible means, for the most possible people, for the longest possible time." (Dr. Charles Ryrie) Ultimately, God is all-wise, and knows so, so much more than I could ever grasp. He knows I can't learn what I'm learning any other way; if there was a less painful way, He WOULD use it. This season also isn't just about me, or today, or my little blip-of-a-life. God is working in multiple people, and sees the entirety of time and how what happens now will impact Eternity. He sees the big picture, and I need to trust that He's got it figured out. Somehow, the taking away right now is going to lead to ultimate good for more people, for eternity.

2. Trust That There Are Good Things Ahead. About a week ago I was at a very low point, and my sweet mom called to check in. I told her that I was grieving losing so much and was afraid that things would never get better, and she reminded me that there are still good gifts to come, too, and that I needed to try to look ahead to those. In the moment I couldn't take in that wisdom and truth, and I instead burst into tears and exclaimed, "I don't care. I don't want the new gifts. I want what I had." Now, that whole concept of just wanting what we had is part of the grieving/letting go process; it's healthy and normal to feel that way. On the other hand, we can't stay there. I've written about this before (which should mean I remember it and live it out really well, right?) but it bears repeating: we can't accept the new gifts until we let go of the old. I have a precious friend who put it well: it's easy to let go of things in the past that have turned out to not be very good anymore, to have God "exchange beauty for ashes." But what about when God wants to exchange one beautiful and amazing gift that we still deeply love, for another gift that we just can't imagine could ever be as good? Well, that's where faith comes in. That's where you preach to yourself, again and again and again, that if God said it, then it's true: "I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
That same day that I had my meltdown in the conversation with my poor mom, I was in a store and saw a sign with a quote by C.S. Lewis: "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." I honestly can't see that right now, and everything in my heart and mind recoils from that statement. But my spirit, the part of me that is clinging to truth and striving to believe, knows that it's true. So I have to keep moving forward, and seek to find those good gifts that are coming.

3. Don't Lose Sight of the Good That is Still Here. It's easy in these kinds of seasons to get bogged down with "everything" being bad. If we aren't careful, we can fall into the habit of only seeing the things that are painful or hard and completely overlooking anything good. There is always, always something good happening, even in the midst of grief and pain. I think it takes an insane amount of maturity and God's grace to be able to see good in some circumstances, but it is there. I know I need to be better at this skill during this season, to not train my eyes to only see the pain, but to take the extra effort to notice the grace, provision, and comfort God is providing. I am experiencing closer fellowship with dear friends in a similar season because of the losses we are sharing; I am seeing more and more people show up in my life to be a support and comfort in ways I wouldn't otherwise see; I am more purposeful in enjoying the sweet things that are still in my life, realizing how precious they are since I've lost others; I am relying on God more and more, turning to Him to get me through each day (or sometimes each hour); and I know that ultimately, I am going to grow in faith and love and hope and all of the character qualities I want to have. All of these things are very, very good; and they could never have come about unless my circumstances were what they are.

In the book of Job, we read about a man who lost literally everything. His possessions, his children, even his health were all taken away at once, to the point that the people who came to share the tragic news didn't even have time to finish talking before another "bearer of bad news" showed up. I don't know about you, but I think that would just about do me in. But Job's response is stunning: "The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21) God gives us things--good health, precious friendships, close family, abundant provision. And sometimes, He takes them away. Maybe we won't ever understand the entirety of why He takes them; and really, that isn't the point. The main point is that we remember Who He is, trust in his sovereign wisdom and love as we look to the future, and remember to keep our eyes open to His goodness even in this time of loss. Hopefully with each season of "taking away", we are able to grow more and more mature and will be able to enjoy the seasons of "giving" even more when they come back around. Because they will come back around. Meanwhile, let's strive to wait for them well and trust God in the taking away.